It's January 4th. We're back at work and I'm 6 days into a heavy bout of flu. Times are hard, the head is gloomy and it's only 4 days into 2017.
"Will I ever get better? Will this sickness ever leave? Will I ever find energy and motivation to do anything? These are all questions those of us with flu will be asking ourselves.
"Will you ever get better? "Will you ever shut the fuck up? or "When will you stop moaning and die?" Are all questions loved ones or family members of flu victims will be asking themselves.
It's a tough time. Many of us have been struck down. However, don't worry. Help is at hand. I've written a handy top ten tip guide to surviving the dreaded flu bug. I hope you enjoy;
1 - Diagnose yourself - DO NOT seek medical attention. It's much better to diagnose yourself. That way it's bound to be flu. Better still, consult Google and you're bound to diagnose yourself with some form of rare cancer. Why put your mind at rest when you can spend over a week convinced you're dying? Self diagnosis is WAY more fun.
2 - Moan - Of course in the old days people rarely visited doctors or moaned, even if they genuinely had a rare form of cancer. Granted, life expectancy back then was around 14 years old but at least they didn't moan. However, times change, we live in a far more sanitised and pussy whipped generation now. So don't be frightened to moan like a girl and demand as much sympathy as possible from everyone. You may lose all dignity and respect from people but you will receive the required sympathy such mentally weak modern people such as myself require. PS - visit the doctor every two days until you are barred.
3 - Play the sympathy game smartly - Obviously battle hardened family members and friends will be wise to your pathetic ways. If they are not providing the necessary level of sympathy move to social media. It's perfect. People don't have to be arsed to actually do anything, god forbid visit you which requires effort. No, instead your tactics should concentrate on people's selfishness yet need to look publicly concerned. So focus on the middle aged, the gays, mother's or grandmothers and friends who also have the virus. You'll get fuck loads of sympathy on your feed and will wake up from your slumber to a new notification of yet another person making themselves feel better with a sympathy like and comment on your pathetic post.
4 - Wallow in self pity - Don't listen to all those bull-shitters about positive thinking and how 'there are many worse off than you". It's easy for them to say, they haven't been ill for 6 days and forced to watch 'Flog it' every day. Fuck that. Really lose perspective and imagine yourself worse off than anyone else in the world. By day 4 you should be nicely pitiful and best to wallow in it for at least a week. DO NOT do anything to disrupt this misery, like Charity work or speaking to do-gooders. Pure isolation are best conditions. 1-2 weeks like this should set you up nicely post illness to feel super grateful for your normal life.
5 - Isolate - As above. It's important to cut yourself off from the outside world. Try not to speak to anyone, or actually go out. The less contact with the outside world the better. That way you can truly go insane and convince yourself you are worse than you actually are. If you have contact with people they might convince you do things healthy for your flu. Don't. If you're going to have it you may as-well cash in. That way it will incentivise you to be more healthy so you don't get it back. Isolate for days so you feel imprisoned and alone. When you are on the verge of suicide, it's time to go out. Yiu are ready to get better.
6 - Feed the Flu - It's important to put the right things in your body to give it the best chance to recover. Obviously lots of water, fresh greens, fruit and healthy grub is important. But, really, who wants that when you're feeling like shit? Cooking is clearly out, so if you can't warm up soup, or whip up some boiled eggs and soldiers, just binge on biscuits, quality streets and mince pies left over from Xmas. This will pile on weight nicely and feed number 4 adding to the self pity and hatred. Don't forget to keep hydrated though. Hot toddies are a nice touch, though in my experience leave out the coffee or tea and just neck the brandy if things get too bad. For the recovering alcoholics out there, Lemsip Max is the new crack cocaine. The one with the caffeine in it. That shit is golden. Trouble is it keeps you up for about 4 days straight and makes you insane and feel worse and like killing yourself. Doesn't say that on the possible side effects. But at least you have energy.
7 - Keep Everyone Updated on Social Media - This is crucial. Obviously closely related to number's 2 and 3. It's very important to make sure EVERYONE knows you are poorly. Not just for sympathy but for heroic status when you actually do a day's work, shag your woman/man, or just stand up straight. Getting a huge amount of kudos or sympathy is massively important to the self centred pussy. Therefore detailing when the flu gets really bad, to when it gets a little better, and then worse again is important. As are the dramatic short statements when you've had enough. Use plenty of exclamation marks and keep messages short, punchy and matyr like. You don't want to appear sad and desperate for attention/love/affirmation (even though you are)
8 - Try to go into work - A classic card to play. Crawling in when half dead is guaranteed hero status. It means you can get at least 2 weeks off guilt free as they have seen the true horror of your condition. Plus they won't want you infecting everyone. I know it takes a herculean effort to go in when so ill, but trust me it will be so worth it in the long run. Those, who like me, work for yourself. Well, we have two choices. 1 - Soldier on, or 2 - Starve.
9 - Slip into a Deep Dark Depression - I know, I know, you'll be thinking. 'Surely that's a given." Well, you'll be surprised, some freaks riddled with flu retain a sunny sense of positivity and optimism. Fuck that. Those wankers obviously haven't had proper flu. Anyone with proper flu will know a deep dark well of blackness that fucks anything good in their life descends like a black cloud for the duration of the flu. No amount of Prozac, vodka, niceness or good news will penetrate this dark fog. It's important never to go near positive people at this time as you will most probably murder them. Avoid those who offer health advice during this fog. Murdering them will be the only cure to such depression.
10 - Do the opposite of the previous 9 tips and you'll get over it much quicker and man the fuck up. It's not like your dying or summat.
Love you all
Nicholas Edward Evans
Day 6 Flu Sufferer
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