It's been a rocky time of illness and injury induced self centred misery. Lack of acceptance and alcoholic head running wild has made the past few weeks miserable.
I'm still suffering with this virus. The back is still excruciating. But today I woke up with a morsel of energy and a clearer head. Hooray!
I felt OK after a good reception to yesterday's blog. It was all over the news (the topic not my blog, sadly) and the piece I wrote seemed to stir much emotion in people. It was interesting that people who suffered other forms of trauma in their childhood, either through mental illness or other issues also connected with the blog. It made me feel good to create something that people liked and identified with.
The other thing that made me feel good was actually writing again. Being in self imposed misery/illness drains you of any desire to do anything. The negative energy is then in ascendancy. No writing. No creativity. No output. No fun.
This if course is pure ego. Many think Ego is walking around like Liam Gallagher and Danny Dyer with a self satisfied look on your face thinking you're the dogs bollocks. Well Ego is that of course.
But it also works in reverse. When you are locked in self. Anxiety, or self hatred, or self centred misery, or inertia, or comparing and despairing. That's pure Ego. It's just mixed with the low self esteem, negativity. I know. I've been there for weeks.
That's the deal sometimes. The problem with having an ego the size of a house is that sometimes it turns on you and tries to fuck you up. Today is the first time in ages I feel there's some distance from that and I can breath. It's beautiful to feel peaceful.
So what did I do differently today?
I woke up and had a good pray up. I read Step 3 in my AA book (if you're not in AA basically the premise is about handing your life to a higher power and getting the fuck out of your own ego and will - don't worry if you hate that or don't believe, but sometimes it's the only thing to shift this concrete Himalyan size ego thing that messes me up) and I basically made the decision to try and be mindful and employ the 12 step programme in my life today. Not in a weird, robotic, preachy way. Just quietly inside. After all The Nick Evans way wasn't working too well.
I went for a gentle walk by the river clocking up 9,000 steps. A change from running or mindlessly flicking through Facebook wishing I was someone else. I did a couple of hours work trying to source some income. Made a Nutri bullet full of goodness. Went to a potential work meeting, made some fresh food, went to an AA meeting and wrote this blog.
I took it easy on myself physically and mentally. I'm not well and I just have to take it easy. Yes I wish I hadn't smoked any cigarettes which isn't great for my chest and throat. But I'm mentally peaceful and i'll take that one today. All in all, a decent day and the ego is under control. Just. The Trick is to try and maintain the momentum day by day!
So, how did a child totally see through me today and sum up my massive head and huge ego?
Well there was a little girl with her mum in a meeting I went to. I loved this, seeing as yesterday in the media all the talk was about 2.5 million children suffering with parents with alcoholism in the UK. I listened to endless phone ins from people still drinking or grown up kids who's lives had been affected by alcoholic parents when they were young. Nobody talked of it as a disease. No-one mentioned recovery or 12 step fellowships (Don't get me started on that rant. It's anonymous not invisible and the fucking answer!!!) and here was a mum getting sober and her little 9 year old was drawing happily in the meeting. These two have a different future if she stays sober and in AA. What a heart-warming scene it was.
Anyway, she came over to me and said' 'Hello'. 'Hello' I replied. What's your name? "XXX" she replied (anonymity). "Can I draw you?" she asked. "Yes of course my darling". I replied. "But make sure you do a good job."
She set to work. Tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. Glancing several times. No doubt to get the angle of the quiff right. After 10 minutes I said, "Have you finished yet?" She shook her head. "Nearly." Wow. She was a craftswoman this little girl. She changed pencils. Different colours. Her face a picture of study and perfection.
Finally she put down her pencils, went over to her Mum and showed her the masterpiece. Her Mum looked round, nodded at me and smiled. In fact she laughed. Not just a small laugh. But a massive snort. Like a Pig. The whole meeting looked round. It was a genuine show stopper.
My brow perspired a little. I felt the countdown theme tune, desperate to have a glance at her portrait of TNE. "Why did she laugh? Am I that ridiculous? Has she drawn a massive cock on me or something? Surely not. She's 9 for gods sake." Finally she came over, "Here you are Nick. I hope you like it." I said, 'Thank you my darling" and laid it out in front of me.
Oh my God, I thought. How can a 9 year old who doesn't even know me get it so right? She totally nailed me. Better than any artist. She saw right through my quiff, hairspray, bullshit and bluster and with 9 year old X Ray vision saw the real TNE with his huge head and massive ego. The girl is a genius and totally owned me. I salute you 9 year old girl. You made me day.
Here's her work. I love it and hope you do too.....alcoholic ego's of the world unite. (PS - Today's Daily Reflections reading was about laughing at yourself and not taking yourself too seriously. Funny how this happened today isn't it? God working through people? Especially a 9 year old one. Nice one Big G)
Love you all
TNE
xx
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