I'm alive!!!
As you may have noticed, the blog has been put on hold for a few weeks. Sorry. I've not been too well. In fact I'm still not.
We're talking 3 bouts of flu, 1 bout of noro-virus, multiple chest infections, recently suspected sinistitus, one annular tear in L4 and a bulging L5 onto the sciatic nerve. Ouch!
Yes, in short. I'm fucked. Have been fucked and it's still ongoing. Writing has been low down on my list of "to-do's", in fact living has been pretty low down at certain points.
I thought the low point was the day I slept on the bathroom floor when 'The Noro' hit, Jesus Christ, It was Like a liquid torpedo both ends. I honestly felt I was dying.
I remember alternating between sitting on the toilet and putting my head over the shit stained bowl to puke, I had to constantly switch over so both ends emptied the poison within. Timing was everything. Trouble is you get disorientated, it's dangerous. You can easily find yourself shitting up the wall as you puke in the bowl. Luckily I managed to avert this crisis but several times I came close.
The Noro is horrific. It's like you've downed a pint of nuclear waste or something. You are total poison. Your guts rumble with radioactive waste, your arse is on fire. you feel like you've got dysentery and you puke with such force you think you're bringing up your entire brain. Bulimia has nothing on the Noro.
As I laid on the bathroom floor, drool hanging from my mouth, puke stains down my top and shit splash on my arse (Am I getting you wet now girls?) I was thinking; "please God, end it now". Dark times indeed.
But that wasn't the lowest point. Oh no. God had a better plan for me. He gave me another chest infection and sinistus. Immediately after the Noro, for the 3rd time in 6 weeks. The Lowest point? No, not at all. He waited for me to digest that information before pushing a new surprise..........Torn disc, sciatica and a back spasm, so I couldn't move! Brilliant. Hooray! Yeah baby!
Thanks God. Nice one. Anything else whilst you're at it? Apparently the force of puking was so ferocious it tore a disc and sent it into huge spasm. Awesome
As you may have guessed, The self pity and intolerance has been huge.
Not only did I shit myself 3 days earlier, but thanks to a fucked back I'm now walking like I actually have shit myself. What kind of fucking show is this the old omnipitence is running for fucks sake?
I've barely moved for 6 weeks - My social life is Netflix. I actually count the cast of Suits, Sons of Anarchy and Californication as my mates now.
To cure the boredom and misery I occassionally binge on sugary foods to cheer myself up. But they just make me fat, which feeds into my body dismorphia and makes me feel even more miserable. Double fuck,
I can't smoke much because my chest is bad and it hurts. What on earth can I do now?
I can't exercise to make my body look amazing or clear my mind, so that avenue is broken.
I can't face writing or doing videos as I have no brain and i'm too miserable for comedy gold, so I can't get attention on social media or even forge my life to look amazing and happy. Triple fuck.
I feel so rough I've lost my sex drive so I can't even chase women and be promiscuous to provide me with a temporary sticking plaster to my chronic low self esteem. lack of fuck.
Working or teaching has been nigh on impossible (oh did I say I lost 2 jobs in 6 weeks aswell?) so my bank balance is decreasing and I'm getting fearful of the future.
Everyone on Facebook or Instagram seems to be doing amazingly or launching business, having fabulous times or suffering stress from their high powered jobs.
Friends or people I know have all grown up and made investments and secured their future and are having kids and doing life and proper getting on with shit.
And I have just been laying on my sofa getting through each day going slowly madder and madder and retreating more and more into my mad, alcoholic, lower self, self sabotaging unhelpful sick head.
I have come off a distinct second best. Fuck and fuck again.
So, all in all 2017 and Jan/Feb has been a pile of shit so far.
But why?
Is it my lifestyle? Is it the smoking? The processed food? The artificial sweetener from the Diet Coke addiction? Is it the years of late nights? Of pushing the body to the limit? Is it the years of bulimia in the past? Is my body mal-nourished? Do I need to change everything? Is it my fault? Or am I just unlucky it's all come at once ? Is it a message from God saying 'you need to change Nicholas' - "but I'm not that unhealthy? Am I?
What about people with long term illness or injury? How do they cope? I mean I've been in chronic pain with the back for 4 weeks now and ill for around 8 and I am about ready to commit homicide or suicide so fuck knows what it must be life to live a lifetime of it. Incredible. My heart & respect goes out to them.
I am prone to bouts of introspection, self pity and wallowing. It's almost as if my bad head, lower self, my disease wants to keep me in it. It's nearly always on me in normal life. But if you add illness and injury my defences weaken and it's on me like a rash.
My lower self is out to get me. Keen to feed my self sabotaging ways. To help me press the self destruct button. Eat shit, guzzle coke, smoke fags, binge on sugar, don't phone that person, stay in, keep alone. Procrastinate, put off new things, fear up, worry, anger, shout, destruct, reject. All lower forces. Negative behaviours and influences I battle with daily.
And when all my traditional 'fixes' are off limits or not able to work anymore where the hell do I go then? I guess that's what the Inside Job is about, and maybe this is a painful way to find out....
But I know it will pass. I know I am lucky really and that my head is telling my lies. I know deep down that it will all come good and I know that I am OK really.
I got out of the habit of writing and it's like anything, if you stop you lose the skill. It requires practise and discipline, so just for today I am doing something I don't want to do just for exercise. I'm writing a blog. My head is critical about it. It's screaming out, 'what a shit blog'. "You've got nothing to say', but that's Nicholas 1 - 0 lower self head and I'm happy about nudging the last minute winner.
Stay cool TNE will return fighting fit soon
The Nick Evans
xx
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