Children of Alcoholics of The World Unite!

This week is The Children of Alcoholics week (COA), It's aim is to increase awareness for children who are affected by parental alcohol problems and the support available.

1 in 5 children are currently living with a parent who has alcohol problems. It is a family disease and the long term affects are hidden and profound on the child. It is a silent problem and not something usually explored in society. The week is all about raising awareness and I'm all for it.

As a an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and a product of an alcoholic dysfunctional home, I wanted to write from first hand experience in the hope it gives both an insight and understanding as to the long term affects.

Firstly a disclaimer. Most of us have had some kind of trauma growing up. This piece is not designed to 'own' trauma more than others. Many people have suffered physical and sexual abuse as a child, or even lost their parents at an early age. Some have gone through divorce or been victims of neglect.

All of these of course are awful and have long term affects. However I know many people who have suffered such trauma and gone on to have fantastic lives.  Either through 'getting on with it', or working through issues. So this piece is not designed to be 'my life is worse than yours' or even 'children of alcoholics have it worse'. It's merely stating the facts of what it does to a young person and the long term affects in adulthood.

I don't speak for everyone of course, because every individual is different. I speak for myself. Amen!

I was 3rd son of 3. The youngest baby of the tribe. My Mother was/is the best and most caring teak strong welsh maternal, caring matriarch you could wish for. Nurturing with the biggest heart. We were all 'darlings' and encouraged to express our feelings. She was always caring and a tremendous source of love and strength. There wasn't anything she wouldn't have done for her children. We were loved and lucky. A 5ft 2 (and a half) ball of Welsh energy and superhuman will. She, without knowing, was also an Alanon waiting to happen.

My father, was a 6ft 2 charismatic Welsh legend. Mike Evans. The big I Am. Funny, clever, generous, sociable, larger than life. Like a welsh Jack Regan in my eyes. He was my hero growing up. Piercing eyes, huge gut, big beard and a Ford Granada Estate. God I loved that man. 'what a true man' I thought. He seemed about 12 ft tall and I wanted to be like him.

He was also a raging alcoholic. Nobody knew that of course, but over the years, the funny, charismatic and ultra-talented man turned into a monster controlled by Tenants Super and Whisky and was reduced to a terrifying violent and hopeless drunk who dominated the family for many years and finally left it to become a street drunk winding up dead at 65 years old, alone.

The early years were great. Fond memories of family outings & occasions, we were loved. It all seemed normal like most other families I knew.

Then it began to change. My father would come home drunk a bit, then if I'm really honest most  of the family occasions were instigated by my mother. Looking back, even when I thought everything was Ok he had begun his descent into the disease. He would argue with people who didn't exist, have conversations with imaginary people, always ending in the sentence 'you fucking wankers' and began to smell, look menacing (which I know now to be all his secret drinking) and he his mood would turn. I became edgy and scared of him. The house was then dominated by the mood of one man. The alcoholic. (See why it's a family disease now?)

I now know this to be the stages of alcoholism. The resentment, the self pity, the self centerdness. He became someone you had to walk on egg-shells around. The whole atmosphere began to change. There were fewer family outings and everything we did seemed to be with my Mother. He was there but wasn't there if that makes any sense. His mere presence menacing.

And then it really got messy. We moved house (as I learnt he drank the family house away and we had to move) and there followed 2 years of heavy alcoholism, madness and domestic abuse. Police were called, he attacked my Mum and brother several times, and any semblance of normality went out of the window.

He would drive me to football with 4 tins of Tenants Super on the floor and a can between his legs, sipping away saying 'don't tell your mother'. It was 9.30am. He was gone by that stage. To be fair though he still managed to criticise my performance even though he didn't actually see it. Thanks Dad!

The whole atmosphere was menacing, fear based and chaotic. This became normality. All the while life went on as normal. I went to school, had cricket trials, played football, hung out with friends (they would never come round though) - but you could never tell anyone what was going on at home.

Then after yet another violent episode the police were called, (back then domestic violence wasn't even on the radar) The Police asked my Mum if he could sleep in the Garage, even though he had just tried to kill her! He left and I remember looking out of my window, I was 13 and crying that my poor Dad had left. My hero had gone. I can't remember ever feeling that sad and crying uncontrollably.

By then he had taken to living in his car, or doss houses - on one occasion me and my two brothers went to the Salvation Army to ask him to stop drinking and plead for him to get well. He didn't or more to the point couldn't. He was sick.

Over the next year I saw him infrequently. We had to move and hide our address from him. He would turn up drunk at my school, or where I worked and menacingly demand to see me. It was embarrassing and frightening. But I took it all in my stride. It was normal living after all. Standard for a child of an alcoholic.

Finally he left for good. We didn't know where he had gone and had no contact. I was suddenly fatherless, even though he had long since stopped becoming a regular father. It happened in stages, just like the stages of alcoholism and it just became my Mother and I. I was 15.

At 15 you want to start drinking, going out, getting girls. I had two older brothers, one of which was sensible and couldn't wait to get away and find a stable girlfriend and family unit which he used to replace the one he didn't have with us, then I had the oldest brother, who was essentially Dad Mark 2, an alcoholic, manic depressive artist, charismatic, funny and my hero. He fucked off when I was young too and made sporadic appearances. Both my male role models. Both alcoholics. Both of whom I was desperate for approval from both left me and thus created a huge feeling of need and insecurity inside. Welcome to adolescence Nicholas!!

Essentially I was left with me at 15, trying to be the big I AM in school and amongst my friends, a loving sensitive youngest son at my poor Mum who had done everything to keep a roof over my head and feed me, and a 15 year old trying to grow up and be a 'man'.

If I look back, I was all over the place and had no idea who to be, what to do or where to go. I just pieced things together the best I could.

"Don't turn out like your father", would be the mantra I got from my Mum when I started to drink. No chance I thought, he was a proper alcoholic. Little did I know that I had that gene raging inside me and was soon to turn to black out drinking and drugs from the age of 18.

Growing up in an alcoholic home was both confusing and thrilling. Chaos and drama became the norm and quite frankly I was bored when there wasn't any. Same to this day.

I also felt above my friends as they seemed to have normal dull lives, but underneath I felt terrible less than and jealous towards them. It makes you feel isolated and alone.

Then this fuelled the real dangerous poison in me. Self-pity. God I felt so sorry for myself that I had endured such hardship and lost my father. This combined with a spikey 'fuck you' arrogance became my standard feeling I took around with me for years and still have to this day.

Being a child of an alcoholic fucks you up. There's no two ways about it. It creates confusion and disharmony and affects your  adult life. How? Does anyone recognise these traits at all?

• Inability to form lasting relationships for the fear of being abandoned? I could write a whole chapter on this as the litany of former girlfriends who have all fallen in love with me only to be rejected due to my chronic deep rooted fear of commitment will no doubt testify.
• Addicted to Compulsive/Disfunctional relationships/people - Settle down with a lovely, stable, loving, nurturing girl or go out with alcoholic, coke addict who is chronically co-dependant needy and sexually attractive? Do I really need to ask - let's go mental!!
• Comfortable more in chaos than calm - Being brought up in chaos makes you think it's normal. Calm and normal therefore become boring and dull. Give me a bit of chaos otherwise I may have to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Fuck that!
• Low Self Esteem and High Ego - Being abandoned by an alcoholic parent tends to make you feel you're a piece of shit deep down. Yes your mother may say she loves you but if your father and hero leaves you then it makes you feel worthless and like something is wrong with you deep down. But NEVER ever admit that unless it's to girls to show your vulnerability and help them fall in love with you more so you feel safe and wanted only of course to let them down because you are chronically afraid of commitment. See above for details. Standard fayre for child of an alcoholic.
• Dishonesty - leading a double life in formative years. Chaos at home, fine to the outside world. Or covering up your true feelings to one parent who is still around doing their best to bring you up even though you want to rebel. Effectively means living a double life and 'compartmentalising' emotions is normal and lying, deceit, covering up but with a good heart becomes normal patterns of behaviour. Tricky to have long term relationships with this shit going on.
• Self Criticism  and cynical - If you feel like a piece of shit, it's pretty normal to criticise yourself if you don't particularly love yourself. And why would you love yourself if the one hero in your life has left you? Standard for child of alcoholic. Plus you are cynical for the rest of the world because everything will fuck up somewhere down the line, right?
• Self sabotage - Closely aligned with above. If you hate yourself then you will stop at nothing to sabotage good stuff. Job, relationship, health, happiness. Whatever it takes to fuck up feeling good is a popular long term affect and one of my specialities.
• Victim Mode - another belter this one. Not only do you feed it but you seek other's to perpetuate it too. People who have been in your life for too long and won;t feed that bullshit story anymore have to go and be replaced by new people who show you nothing but pity and buy into the victim story. This has to go because it is hugely destructive and boring to the rest of the world. Nobody likes a victim.
• Other addictions - Er, yes of course. Where do I sign up? Another staple diet. Like father like son. Or even some less glamourous addictions like food, sugar, sex, love - anything to fix those pesky feelings huh kids?
• Finally seeking approval and attention - God this is engrained. I will go anywhere to anyone to get approval and attention. Like a puppy needing to be patted. I hide it but I am a shameless attention seeker and this all stems from being the child of an alcoholic. Hero abandoned you? seeking love? God yes please and I will stop at nothing to get it.

Not all people have these of course and there are many more. But that gives you a flavour of the long term affects. I am comfortable with them today and they are getting better. Time takes time to work through things. It's better to accept them and admit they are there than deny it and pretend it doesn't exist.

My style is to make friends with them, poke fun at them, accept them. If sometimes I act in them and indulge then so be it. It doesn't make me a bad person but it's better to have awareness around them then at least you can do something about them.

Point is, it doesn't have to disable your life. It doesn't have to be awful and you don't have to pretend they don't exist. But you DO have to do something about them not to use then as an excuse, absolve yourself from responsibility and sit in the problem forever. There is a way out.

It doesn't make them any worse than other people's shit. We all have issues. But it does mean that hopefully you will identify if you are like me. If you have a family member with alcohol problems there are ways you can help them. We didn't have any information back then, it is different now.

So that's my monster piece. Thank you for reading. Feel free to share or comment. If you want some help or information there are a couple of websites below which will give you information and I am running the marathon this year for Action on Addiction who do a lot of work in this space for kids and families - so dig deep if this piece moved you and I will love you very much.

https://www.justgiving.com/Nick-Evans23/

To be honest I'll love you anyway because I'm a love addict and you read my piece, so I got my attention I seek from you. Thank you. Just Feed me and like my post!! Old habits will always doe hard.

PS - I don't blame my Dad or parents and wouldn't change anything for the world. We are all a products of our experience and it's what makes us all fabulously unique and magnificent bastards.

http://www.coaweek.org/about/

Love you very much

Nicholas Evans

You Don't Have to Be Mad to Have Bi-polar........

Last night's excellent documentary, 'The Not So Secret Life of a Manic Depressive' on BBC1 was deeply moving. It was aired to coincide with mental health week.

If you have been affected by Bi-polar either as a friend, family member or sufferer, watch it on I-player. It is Informative, educational, tragic and inspirational. Compelling viewing.

I am not an expert on the condition. I do not have it and I haven't worked in the field. So why write about it?

All I do is speak from personal experience. I have grown up with it. My brother has Bi Polar 1 (the most serious form) and I have witnessed the effects upon him and the rest of the family over 40 years. I also know people who have it and a good number of people who live with clinical depression and other mental health disorders.

I am not unique, we all do.

Bi-polar disorder affects around 1 in 100 adults. That's about 4 million in the UK, plus of course family/friends/partners, so that's around 10-12 million people directly affected. But what actually is it?

Bipolar disorder used to be called ‘manic depression’. As the older name suggests, someone with bipolar disorder will have severe mood swings. These usually last several weeks or months and are far beyond what most of us experience. It can be genetic, triggered by externals, or developed over a period of time. Usually the sufferer has a chemical imbalance in the brain and the symptoms can lie undetected for years. Regular treatment includes medication, therapy, CBT, exercise and advice on 'living right' to help the condition.

Medication has certainly evolved over the years and many people are able to live happy and normal lives. So this piece isn't a cry of pity or sorrow for people affected.

I come from a compassionate place. I cried during the documentary. It made me sad, Mental illnesss always has. We've all got our touching points. For some it's sick animals, kids or homeless. There are many things to make us sad in this world, It's hard to feel such compassion for all things, but for me, the thing that really touches me is mental illness and addcition. It just tears my heart out and grabs me every-time.

I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was doing a week's work experience in a mental health hospital when I was young. Perhaps it was seeing my brother sectioned on many occasions. Perhaps it was seeing my hero of an older brother reduced to a drooling child like figure walking with a limp like a 7 year old when heavily medicated. Heart breaking to see strong people reduced to a child like status.

It's the vulnerability that gets me every time.

I have friends who will hate me making a song and dance about it as they just want to be treated normally. I have friends who live with it, talk about it and write books on it to helps others. They live a normal life. Excellent role models.

These are the real experts. The people who have it and the ones who treat them. I am merely an observer.

And boy is there a lot to observe! A crazy roller-coaster of behavioural patterns, manic episodes that spiral into huge grandiosity, relentless insanity, fabuously hilarious schemes, hurtful damaging actions, fractured relationships. It's tough to witness.

When untreated it's tragic, or when the sufferer doesn't want to treat it, or is too scared or too closely aligned with other addictions to be able to give treatment a chance. It puts such an enormous strain on those around them and usually means they cannot function within normal confines of society. Most will self medicate or form other addictions, and in some cases it can result in suicide. Sometimes it can go relentlessly untreated for years which is like a living suicide in itself.

The bottom line is just like any other form of disease or health issue, The person has to want to do something about it for treatment to work. People didn't chose to have mental illness, but trying to have an attitude of acceptance certainly helps. Easy for me to say though when I don't have it.

I have alcoholism .I am lucky in that sense and I wouldn't swap my disease for Bi-polar. Yes I am prone to feelings of isolation, self obsession, self pity and self hatred. I have my off days and off weeks followed by feelings of optimism or hope, but not a patch on what Bi-polar suffers get, even more so without medication. My brother once said 'I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Trying to live with this head daily is so hard."

The poor bastard. I get it, I really do.

That is not to say that people with Bi-polar are victims. They are magnificent bastards. Slightly eccentric but always with a heart of gold and exceptionally talented in their own field. They live normal lives and certainly don't use it as a self pity fest.

Clearly there are different cases and disorders, they are not all lumped into one, but observing someone with the worst kind over the years is particularly painful.

But the individual also has to take responsibility. It is crucial to help with diet, rest, sleep, regular treatment, medication and exercise. These all help conditions and just like you and me as normal humans (well you are) - we feel better mentally when we live right. When we go on the piss, eat crap, never exercise, sleep little, get stressed our mental health suffers. Multiple that by around 1million and we may get an idea of what someone living with the condition may get.

I don't blame people for not looking after themselves though. I don't. I am full of self hatred half the time and I don't have a mental illness. I can't imagine what people with Bi-polar or clinical depression must feel like sometimes. The urge to say 'fuck it' and self medicate or blot out feelings must be vast. A quick jog around the block must seem like a marathon.

Watching that documentary made me want to scream and shout. Funding has been cut radically over the years. Prognosis and treatments are average to say the least. Doctors seem to dish out anti-depressants like candy to anyone with a complaint. It's turned into a pill culture with treatment services like a 'drive through' now, such is the pace people are seen then spat out. Standards and facilities have declined so are the ones who really need the help getting the right kind?

Are we tolerant enough of it? Do we know as much about it as a society as we should? Do we actually recognise depression as a disease? We rarely see 'depression; on death certificates of suicide victims do we? Just like 'alcoholism'.

Yes we have #mentalhealth week, clever social media campaigns and adverts, but when the push comes to the shove are we really that more educated and informed? Are we really that compassionate to those that suffer? I'm not so sure.

We live in a selfish and harsh world. The weepers and self indulgent drama queens give people with mental disorders a bad name It means people of an older generation are more cynical of mental illness. Some see it as self indulgent and 'weak'.

"Pull yourself together" is a commonly thrown at people, "we never used to mope about". I understand this sentiment as let's face it there are a lot of lazy, self indulgent, mopey bastards about who check themselves into the nearest clinic to treat a little bout of depression like it's some kind of trendy fad.

Depression is banded about too easily these days, without true depth and understanding of what it is. Anti-depressants are prescribed like a sponsored pharmacy. Sure most people will have periods of feeling down, but to some it is a lifetime clinical disorder. The trouble with these soft as shit self indulgent X-Factor, 'the Only Way is.....' selfie posing generation of self indulgent drama-queens is that real depression or mental illness get's merged into these idiots and creates a bad image.

This annoys and frustrates me. At least the documentary last night was serious and informed. It needs more education and treatment and for people to have a wider acceptance of it and it's true meaning. Not to be down for a few days so 'I'm depressed' but true compassion and understanding it is part of every day life and to reduce the stigma.

But do we really give a shit? We do get a bit of compassion fatigue don't we? I mean there is a week for everything. Cancer week, Mental health week, child of an alcoholic week, addict week, diabetes week. All are tremendous causes and important to raise awareness but we get a bit fatigued sometimes. So I do understand people's apathy or fatigue by yet another campaign for awareness. It's not our fault but it is if we stigmatise it.

Let's undersatand it is a disease. Let's understand the ripple effect on families. Lets encourage people, let's be compassionate, let's try and help. But How?

Donate a tenner for the marathon, or get a t-shirt saying 'I hug mentally ill people'  - find something I don't know what, even if it's to look up depression and think of any of your friends have it. Call someone you think is struggling. Just do something. Anything! Even if it is to have more acceptance of it than you did yesterday.

I do think one thing is vastly under-rated and goes under the radar as a treatment. Exercise. A powerful mood lifter. A vastly underated medicine. Getting up and out, being active is so good for mental health and many think crucial in their health.

"yeah yeah", is usually the come back. But it is clinically proven to raise levels of adrenaline, balance the brain and really aides recovery or living with mental illness (or indeed other health issues) much more effectively than some medications.

Why the fuck doesn't the Government prescribe personal trainers and gym memberships and fitness coaches to help people with their daily lives? Wouldn't it save on long term medication and treatment? Isn't prevention better than cure? And whilst you are at it I include diabetes, obesity, addiction and other health related issues to that model.

Isn't it easier to live life with a 'buddy system' - someone who you can check in with, learn from, be accountable too, get help from?

I know this is a radical idea but how simple and effective would that be? A Health Coach who can work with people combining PT, Counselling, listening and coaching. Perhaps that would help?

The thing that touched me most in the documentary, was the Chef who was grade 1 Bi-polar and
the thing that made me cry was his boss. She owned the restaurant, and despite his mood swings, she was committed to helping him. It made me cry.

I thought, 'I need to be more like that' - if we all individually and as a society gave people a chance more, tried to help and encourage what a world we would have. I love to be encouraged don't you?

Yes there will always be fuckwits about but instead of being like most corporations or individuals, only concerned with profit and self, or the bottom line and our own ends, this woman ran a business but wanted to help her employee. How good is that?

I love that attitude, That's what I took from the programme. That's how I feel now.

I feel emotional. I want to get on a plane and go and give my brother a hug, I want to give the girl from the tooting meeting a hug who suffers bi-polar along with alcoholism, she is so sweet and such a tryer who doesn't have a shred of self pity in her body but clearly struggles. So vulnerable and adorable.

I want to shake the man's hand from the rooms who tours schools talking about mental wellness and health who is a reovering alcoholic, manic depressive and one of my heroes and role models (despite his dandruff and courdroy)

I want to tell my mate who has it and always berates me for making a thing of it as he insists since medication and prognosis it's not a thing and lives a normal life that I admire him greatly and underneath our masculine banter, I love him and have total respect.

These are my heroes. God i'm welling up. I feel fired up. I am crying writing this.

Tears of emotion, of passion, Tears for my brother who doesn't want to get well. How long can you give the excuse 'I have a mental illness' but also tears because I know deep down it's not his fault and he is not alone.

I feel so helpless, completely powerless. I wish I could do more. I wish I could help.

So if anyone who reads this lives with a mental illness. I salute you and if i'm honest I much prefer you than normal people. Some of those are as dull as fuck.

Carry on being mad. I mean we live in an insane world anyway. Look no further than Donald Trump. The most insane people of all are the ones who pretend to be normal but deep down are not.

If you are nuts. Don't worry about It. So am I. We all are to some lesser or greater degree. It's what defines you and I am proud of you for having it. Do not hide it. Do not feel bad about it. Do not deny it. You are massive legends and be proud of what you are.

I'm off to weep

Support Mental Health week in whatever way you can and if you want to learn more about it or are concerned for a loved one or family member go to this website for more advice - http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/a-z-mental-health/


God bless you all.

Nicholas Edward Evans

Valentines Day Special - So what actually is this thing they speak of called love?

Sunday 14th Feb 2016. Valentines Day.

Who's bright idea was it to put Valentines Day on a Sunday?

Firstly it's a sport fest - 6 Nations Rugby, Premier League Football and International One-Day cricket.

Secondly You have all the chores to do before working week/school, life tomorrow - pack, kids, admin, washing, car etc.

Thirdly you have the Sunday Roast dinner to contend with. Lashings of meat and sweat inducing carbs don't make for romance.

I'm not sure about you but I find all that about as horny and romantic as a Ford Focus estate. Though to be fair the boot is pretty roomy for dogging in the GX3 model.

I defy anyone to get jiggy after a massive roast dinner. Dreams of sexy romance are somewhat curtailed by passionate sweat mixed with meat ones, whisperings of sweet nothings are interrupted by meat smelling burps and long erotic passionate inducing foreplay is somewhat killed by rancid nuclear waste 'cabbage' farts from eating too much. Bet you're wet now girls hey?!! She missed that out of Fifty Shades didn't she?

No, Sunday is a rubbish day for Valentines love. By the time you've done all your chores, sport and eaten, the last thing you feel in the mood for is love. Perhaps a nap instead.

If you have managed to have a sexy romantic day after all that and gone dogging in your Ford Focus estate, leaving the kids with the mother-in-law, you have my up-most respect. (and slight revulsion)

It's an odd day isn't it? Valentines Day. If you are in a couple there's a lot of pressure to perform and show your love. If you're single there's a lot of pressure from smug couples reminding you you're single. Its a tough gig.

It seems that people are divided into a few camps on Valentines Day; Here are my observations;

The smug couple

Usually found posting pictures from a posh 5 star 'Spa' hotel somewhere South of Spain in matching white towelling robes holding up a glass of champagne. There will invariably be a picture of a love message in red rose petals spelt out on the bed.

These are the most nauseating of couples, especially to those of us who are either single or in love-less relationships. But don't fear, in reality the 'Spa Hotel', picked up on Last minute.com is actually a knocking shop with an outdoor jackuzzi with week old jizz on the side and people who post pics like that up will be split up within a year once they get to know the real them. Result!

The Married Couple with Kids

What Velentines Day? Love and romance stopped with the first kid. No pics as no time. In fact they barely have time to pick a card from Sainsbury's whilst getting the morning papers (the cheapest of course) let alone plan a romantic day. In fact the most romantic thing they get is a home made card from their kids saying 'I love you' which actually makes you more emotional than your husband asleep on the sofa after watching the sport all afternoon and eating too many roast potatoes (see above for description)

The Over Eager Woman and Slightly underwhelmed man couple

This can of course be reversed with the woman being the one who doesn't give a shit, and is slightly close to 'smug couple', however you will spot this kind of couple as the girlfriend, who has been desperate for a proper relationship for ages as 'time is knocking on', is so keen on displaying her new relationship on social media that she cooks a massive heart shaped brownie or cake to show her underdying love to her new man (who doesn't really like Brownies and is more interested in Match of The Day 2 at 10.30 if he's honest) - this is displayed with several pics on social media but the ironic thing is that after he eats this symbol of love he'll be so stuffed she'll have to settle for MOTD2 instead of multiple orgasms.

The Slightly Arrogant Couple

These do not recongnise Valentines Day. In fact they sneer at people who celebrate it and look down on the mass commercialisation of the day, instead they congratulate themselves on 'not buying into this shit' who 'don't need a day like this to show we love each other'. These are usually joyless fucks who have a miserable life and only get turned on by watching other couples at it.

The Unhappy Couple

God how many of these are there? These will post a picture on social media at a table at a restaurant smiling (to show they are having a great day) then go back to 60 minutes of silence listening to other people's conversations as they are more interesting than their own. Either that or they will spend the desert and most of the coffee after the main staring at their phones, scrolling through social media at people seemingly having better Valentine Days/relationships/lives than theirs.

The Happy Couple

I love these. They don't post anything on social media because they don't need to and spend the day present, in each other's company, enjoying each other and being in love with each other. I love these people and I salute you.

The Unhappy Singles

These are single who want to be in a relationship and will spend the day being miserable at couples  having fabulous days getting heart shaped brownies cooked for them.
These singles will spend the day on Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Match.com having to block married people who are messaging them whilst in the toilet of the restaurant with their partner at the table for their silent Valentines meal. It's all connected see!

The Happy Singles

These are cool. These are single people comfortable with themselves, who respect themselves too much to have a shit and unhappy relationship. They spend the day with friends, working out, not eating their own body weight in heart shaped brownies. They smile at the unhappy ones, think back to crap previous relationships and optimistically look forward to the next one. You are legends!!

The Sex and Love Addicts

These will spend the day veering between self pity, empty loneliness, despair, chronic need and then euphoria, elation, self love and happiness. They will attempt to fix on anything to take them away from their feelings including former girlfriends, dating sites, sex sites, social media, Starbucks, Gym, Yoga, Muffins and will then finally come to conclusion it's all OK and they needn't fix in the first place as they are OK in themselves and instead do the unthinkable and 'sit with their feelings'.
Always a candidate though for a tempting late night call up to join the Ford Focus set. Roomy boot see.

The Over 60's

Great era this. If they are single they will most likely just get on with it and go and do a jive class or play bridge. They don't do self pity or loneliness. If they are together they will go to the theatre and laugh at the unhappy married 40 something's with kids and congratulate themselves for getting through it. Heroes.

Whoever you are it's a great day. Love can come in many forms and in many ways. Yes of course we all want someone to be there for us, to notice us to give us attention, to love us and receive love. It is a beautiful thing to have someone you love. It is the best feeling in the world to be in love. It makes the day colour instead of black and white.

It can come from yourself, a partner, a child, a sunset or doing 12 minute time trial at level 14 and 100RPM (yes I'm that sad)

So whatever you have done, whoever you are with, and I include yourself in that if you are on your own. From the words of Gandhi, who I found out today was a big sex and love addict.

"What is life without love" - Ghandi

(well in my opinion it's a late night dogging session in a Ford Focus.)

Love you all very much

Happy Vanetines

Nicholas Edward Evans

3-D Honesty

"The thing I've always liked (and hated) about you Nick is your 3-Dimensional honesty, it's uncomfortable sometimes as it rings so true to me."
Anonymous tonight

When a guy said that phrase to me tonight I thought, 'he's having a pop the fat bastard'. Obviously I didn't say that to his face. I'm not that honest.

Then on reflection I thought, "3-D honesty, I have no idea what it is, but how fucking awesome does that sound!!" Very hyped over the top American and I love it.

3-D is 'in' right now. Films, Games, adult literature. If it's 3-D you can guarantee it adds another £10 to the bottom line and enhances 'viewer experience' (marketing term, don't kill yourself.)

3-D honesty sounds like some kind of super powered, multi-surround sound cluster fuck of honesty on steroids. Cool!

So many people say to me, "Oh I love that you're so honest Nick." Am I? I'm sure many women in my life and I include many ex-girlfriends in that, will disagree.

I have been a bad boy and dishonest on occasions. It has been part of me since growing up and living a double life from being a boy. Alcoholic madness at home, everything cool on the outside. I learnt to be an actor from an early age and live a double life.

Thus became exciting in teenage years as I was able to transfer this into girls and sexual adventure. Trouble is this has carried on until 43 and been the instigator of many failed relationships, hurting many women who have fallen in love with me along the way. Not proud or good.

But that's 3-D honesty right there. Honest about being dishonest and 'owning my shit.' The key of course is not to be heroic and respected for admitting, it's to not act it out in the first place and be honest.

But you know what I was honest. I went into most of them saying my history, my track record and admitting I was a co-dependant, sex and love addicted recovering alcoholic. Now the sane amongst you would probably run a mile but Christ those kind of people are so bloody attractive. Especially to ones who are also insane. A perfect match!

So there's honesty for you. Be open and accept it. Trouble happens when you deny and fight it. I'm not saying it will be a bed of roses but things are a hell of a lot easier to deal with when you accept them. 3D honesty.

So what does honest actually mean? The dictionary states - Free of deceit, truthful and sincere - candid, frank, direct, straight, straightforward, genuine, blunt, plain-speaking.

I have been told I am brutally honest. I have also been told that sometimes I  say the right things, just in the wrong way. But you know what I'd rather be that than a bull-shitter or not give a toss.

It's as dishonest to withhold feelings and emotions and hide them as it is to lie and be totally dishonest. It's as dishonest to pretend you care when really you're just doing it for show (Facebook Paris flags anyone?)

And who is actually honest all the time? Surely that's impossible. Even Mother Theresa must have told a few porkies in her time?

And also watch out for people who start sentences with, "to be honest with you...."  they are about to spout the biggest load of shit since Prime Ministers Question Time.

You really think the Government, Large corporations, Banks, The media and the clergy are being honest to us? God no. We live in an insane dishonest world, but many of us don't really give a shit because we're being too dishonest ourselves.

Having an affair, sneaking off to watch a bit of Frankie Vaughan, posting pictures on Facebook that make your life look better than it is? There are so many subtle forms of dishonesty we act in without realising it every day.

Clearly you can't be bluntly honest all the time, even if you want too. "He's shit in bed, no dick, she's a fat cow, my boss is a twat, he's an arrogant wanker, I hate my kids right now." ad infinitum. We have so many inner thoughts we simply cannot air them publicly - or can we? It's a risky strategy if you do.

Except of course when you are steaming drunk. Then you don't care and the real truth, usually wrapped in massive resentment and seething anger comes out. That's the real raw truth. This is why it's better if I don't drink anymore. This will usually end in P45, divorce and arrest, Usually in that order.

What I do like is honesty of feelings. Cut through the bullshit. Get down to root issues. No fluff. No crap. Straight talking, open and honest about how you feel. We love a good rant sometimes. On:

Your struggles,
Your resentments,
Your worries
Your successes
The rise of farmers markets.
You.

This is 3D honesty. Self awareness and self reflection. It is good to be honest about yourself, especially to a trusted source. It's a shit load better than sitting in resentment the whole time and blaming everyone other than yourself for problems and difficulties.

The world is full of bullshit. Movie stars who are Gay acting straight. Politicians spouting equality whilst raping the poor, brands advertising on TV that they care about you whilst ripping you off. Evangelical preachers spouting the word of God whilst pocketing huge collections for their own benefit. Photo-shop selfies, manufactured TV shows. I mean it's all a load of nonsense isn't it?

The least we can do is be honest about our feelings and cut the crap. That way we all know where we stand.

Now i'm off to manipulate someone into showing me attention by text to sate my chronic feelings of loneliness and low self esteem so my ego is being sated and counting how many 'likes' this blog got on Facebook. Am I going to tell them i'm doing that? Of course not, that would be far too honest now wouldn't it?

PS  - I didn't say I was cured, a guru, a saint or had all the answers did I? it's progress not perfection.

Nicholas Edward Evans.

How to Deal with Resentments

"Resentment is the Number one Offender" - Alcoholics Anonymous

We wouldn't be human if we didn't get resentments. The government, your job, society, God, parents, childhood, partner's limp love making, the traffic, stupid people, call centres, rampant commercialisation of Valentines Day. Whatever it is we all suffer resentment at some point in our lives. It's called being human. Real life is tough. It's full of idiots.

Donald Trump may become President, how can you not feel that the world is fucked with that insane shit going on? No wonder we get into resentment.

Obviously there are certain degrees of resentment. Varying from A slight barb against someone's attire, all the way to searing hatred against a religion. Whatever it maybe, justified or not, resentments are one of the biggest blockages to spiritual growth. They are like cancer to the soul. The number one offender. I should know because I've been in it for 30 years.

How many families blank each other? "Haven't spoken in years", court battles, custody, wars over religion? I mean sociological resentment causes wars and death, personal ones cost peace of mind and money. They are dark and ugly. Many people sit in them, enjoying the misshaped hatred. Why? Well because I believe some people are horrible small minded self absorbed fuckers. They are welcome to sit in their own misery. They don't want to change so let's eave that particular breed of sickos alone.

Others such as myself, have been conditioned to pick up resentment because we are so sensitive to the level of madness in the world, oh yes, I forgot, of course because I am an insane ego centric arrogant ego maniac recovering alcoholic who picks up resentments at the drop of a hat. But the difference being is that I have always been willing to change. The fact that it has taken so long or that I have fought against it is not the issue. It's the journey and process of change which is key. You have to have willingness.

The disease of alcoholism creates resentments, 'real or imagined,  it makes no difference, simply to make you want to drink - It's just a side affect of the disease and still happens long after you stop drinking such is the cunningness of it.

I have been in it for 13 years. Not even several inventories have crushed it. Instead I have enjoyed it, sharpened it. It's been as natural to me as blinking.

Why?

Because I loved the adrenaline of anger/resentment. I loved criticising and putting people down in my head as it made me feel superior. I loved feeling less than someone more successful then me because it fed my self hatred and 'poor me' self pity. I loved hating those happy successful bastards because they were doing better than me. Jealousy. It kept me where I wanted to be. Pissed off.

That's been my journey for the past 13 years of my recovery. Resentful.

Resentful of being in AA. Of not being able to drink. Of not being this. Of being too much of that. Blah blah. The only thing that has helped me get through it is a sense of humour. I have made fun of it. And let's face it when people go on a rant against something we identify with, it's like we are living through their rant. We love to hear people say what we think but can't say.

I've been that guy. A ranter. Not as bad as in my early 'Angry Nick' days of sobriety. Where I used to seek out tourists standing on the left hand side of the escalator so I could bump past them nurturing my sense of right and justice.

After all justifiable anger is the most satisfying of all. If someone is a proper cunt, oh my god how good is it telling everyone and letting the world know of their cuntishness. Beautiful. It is extremely important as a resentful alcoholic to be right at all times. Even when you are wrong and have been proved thus. Never admit it. Fuck me, never admit it.

That's me. It makes arguing interesting of course. Firstly you have to start one. As an angry resentful alcoholic that's easy. Just pick one of the countless imaginary made up resentments and let fly. Then stay in it for hours. Relentlessly creating new layers of resentment to argue your point. Then when you have been proved wrong, just storm out or slam the phone down. It's usually best to do this for something pointless and ridiculous.

But you know what and here's the deal - it's shit being in it all the time. I mean it sucks and so do you. It bars any kind of growth. It keeps you from being a success. It makes you miserable. It makes you separate and apart. It makes you small and it effectively in the long term renders you a miserable lonely old cunt who nobody really likes other than fellow miserable lonely old cunts who hate everyone and everything. Usually you will find these in Wetherspoons or the House of Lords.

So, here's the key. The money shot. The pearl necklace. The solution. Ready? Drum Roll..................

It's what you do with it that's the answer.

"Oh is that it?" you may say. "Hardly profound or wise is it? I Bet you were looking for a better solution than that. "Fuck me Nick, Is that all of you've got. You've dragged me into reading this shit all the way down with a catchy solution based title that made me read it and all you've said is 'it's what you do with it' - No shit Sherlock. What a limp dick of a punchline"

Well, hold your horses before you go judging me on that spunk sock of a solution. Let me explain.

One week ago my resentments cleared. I spent a day paying compliments and meant them. Since that day I feel normal. Not judgmental. Not less than. Not more than. I feel calm. I feel peaceful. I feel OK. I have no idea how or why but I do.

For 14 years I have been not drinking, going to meetings, praying to a God I have no idea what it is or even if it exists. I have helped numerous people. I have done my best with the programme,  despite myself mostly but because it didn't want to drink and I was committed to trying to get better.

In that time I have been resentful, angry, I have developed bulimia, sex addiction, weird habits, caffeine and nicotine addiction. I have hurt many people, I have railed against things, ranted, raved, laughed, cried. I have hung on in there when my head wanted to explode with rage. I have been up and down in and out but all the way I have shared my resentment. I have voiced my anger. I have been authentic with how I am and most of all I have been willing to grow along spiritual lines even though my head didn't want too. I have been real and honest. I have been true to myself even when I was an angry bastard.

And you know what, all those years of madness, of anger of getting barred from Yoga have just been my journey until last Weds I woke up with a clear head and felt OK. I didn't feel that anger. I felt it's OK to be me. I didn't feel better than you or worse. I was just me, part of the world.

Now you maybe thinking 'and'. But trust me it's massive news to me that i'm just me and normal member of society. The isolation has gone and I have been well chirpy all week.

Don't get me wrong the 'old Nick' is still in full bloom and I get reactions to things all the time. My ego pricked on a daily basis, But I am also 'New Nick' in that I don't react, keep hold of the anger, feed off it and let fly anymore. I let it go much quicker.

I haven't changed anything in particular. My diet, smoking, diet coke, eating, sex conduct, relationships or any of my bad habits, but I feel like new. It's like grey clouds have parted to reveal blue sky. I hope it lasts, I really do.

I love it. I love feeling up. I love complimenting people and making them feel good. I like giving praise where due and I love teasing to liven things up. I love a laugh with people and I love to wake up and not feel fear. I love it all at the moment. It fucking rocks.

So, to sum up, in short. Here's the top 7 tips to deal with Resentment;

1 - Learn Them - "How can I do something about resentment if I don't know I am in them?" is the usual response. Well, if you have had failed relationships, are unhappy, skint, in a bad job, hate your life, partner, abuse alcohol, drugs, food, take medication, see a counsellor or act out contanstly or are in any way unhappy - you have resentment and it is your duty to get some self realisation and at least look at what they are.

2 - Accept Them. Once you know what they are, Acknowledge them don't deny them. People in denial are truly joyless fucks. At least accept the resentments then you can do something about them. You know where you stand with people in resentment who know they are. It's the ones in denial you never know where you stand with. Grim.

3 - Share them - don't allow them to build up in you and supress. This will then lead to heavy drinking, drug taking, depression or all 3. Let it out do not let it fester. Remember it is a cancer to the soul and it will eat you up if not released. Find a trusted source - then let rip and rant them out. Don't mistake with character assassination or gossiping. That's also shit. Just rant it out of your system then it is done.

4 - Own them - Don't shift blame to another. That's cowardly and shit. Then you are living in the problem. Own your shit. Understand your part then you will know if it's real or not and be a more agreeable human being. We usually have some part to play in a resentment. Look at yourself before destroying others.

5 - Laugh at them - Don't take yourself so seriously. If you cannot laugh at yourself that is the true sign of resentment. Once you can take the piss out of your own ridiculousness you have nailed it.

6 - Have patience in them and you - Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly - As long as you want to be free of resentment you will. it may take 12 days or 12 years but it will come.

7 - Fuck them - Not physically of course. That's for a sex addicts meeting, But fuck them off as soon as you get them. Remember don't feed them or they will grow. Get rid at your earliest opportunity just don't be ashamed of having them. Its Ok, just fuck them.

Never lose the faith and share from the heart, then I guarantee resentment will be lifted and we can all live a shiny happy life. I just hope 'New Nick' lasts. I like him.

Nicholas Edward Evans
@goanick

How to Change Negative to Positive

An Easy Tip to Help Change Your Mood.

Hands up who finds it hard to change from negative to positive? Thought so, me too.

As a naturally pessimistic recovering alcoholic with a default button set to 'oh god it's all going to go wrong' or as a self centred fear based addict who wakes in fear most days. Turning negative to positive remains a lifelong quest.

It happens to us all. Whether we are addicts or not. It is a basic human condition for some. Of course some people have an in-built happy and positive device. They are mostly optimistic and 'up'. Watch out for these bastards. They are dangerous as they are far too happy for us miserable jealous sods.

I'm kidding of course. Grab hold of people like that and stay close. Surround yourself with as many up, positive, 'can-do' people as you can because it is contagious. Of course, if they are too successful and you find yourself falling into comparing and despairing,  dip in for a bit of misery with a loser to ground you again. It's all swings and round-a-bouts.

Anyway, I'm not sure what has happened to me over the past two days but I seem to have begun to shift my negative to positive. My circumstances haven't changed. I haven't really received much in the way of good news outside affirmation (usually my staple diet for feeling good) - Much of my life and habits remain the same.

But yesterday, for some reason, I started to pay people random compliments and actually mean them.

Not in the 'If I pay a compliment I'm going to get something back' type of manipulative way, or even in that 'I best pay a compliment because I want to people please' type of way, or even in 'a best pay a compliment as they look like they need it' kind of way, or even socially expected to pay one back "yes darling that really suits you" type compliment even though you know it makes her look like Eric Bristow in drag.

No, mine were genuine and felt good.

Compliment Number 1 - lovely red nails

Newsagents, on the way to the tube, the plump 60 year old Indian woman served me my Diet Coke, Gum and Newspaper (standard fayre for the commute into town) - I noticed her outstanding large red nails perfectly manicured (a weakness of mine) and I immediately complimented her, "fabulous nails my lovely", she looked shocked then, spread them out in-front of me (made me feel a slight twinge I must admit) and said 'why thank you', smiled broadly and looked a little coy. I bid her farewell and left with a spring in my step. A genuine non-motive compliment. Result Nicky boy!

Spurred by this feeling of goodness that overwhelmed me I carried on into the west end.

Compliment Number 2- amazing coat

Starbucks Harley Street. Now, I must admit this was a compliment that had an alterior motive but it was genuine. A gorgeous cherub of a Japanese girl walked in as I was ordering tea. She had the most incredible full length coat on, huge collars and lapels and I thought wow. "Great coat, where did you get it" I asked (I know sounds like a shit chat up line but it was genuinely cool) "Karen Millen" she replied and then complimented me on my style and cowboy boots. Double winner! Turns out she was a concert pianist on her way to a shoot. We had a chat about music and I had never met a pianist in a Karen Millen ace coat and we parted on our merry way. (without a date I hasten to add)

By now I was enjoying this and felt good.

Compliment Number 3 - My Chiropractor looks younger than 2 years ago

Just to show I am not a compliment pick up artist. I saw my Chiropractor. A brash 55 year old Canadian dude with a short man complex and a mullet. I hadn't seen him for ages, he looked great. "wow man, you look younger, have you dropped weight?" He had lost two stone in the time since I last saw him and smiled when I said that. He still charged me full whack though and I left feeling good.

Compliment Number 4 - your my best pal I love my friend.

On the phone to an old friend. I was suddenly struck by the need to say, "I really like you and I'm pleased you're my friend" - we hadn't said anything like that in 20 years (apart from when drunk in the old days but then again everyone's 'yer best pal' in that state) I'm not sure he knew how to take it but it felt good anyway. Men don't usually talk to each other like that.

So there it is. Pay people compliments. But mean them with no hidden motive or because it's socially correct to do so. It wont work then. It makes you feel good. I'm not saying everything will change immediately but try it tomorrow. See how it works and let me know. It helps shift negative to positive.

Follow me on twitter @goanick or sign up for this blog. Share it and feel free to tell everyone you know to read it.

I love you for reading. Compliment number 5

Nicholas Edward

xx

Relationships & Love Addiction.

I'd like to talk to you about relationships and love addiction. Now I know some of you are married, happy, or don't believe in or know what love addiction is but bare with me. I speak from personal experience.

It was sparked by a party on Saturday night. A pals 40th birthday full of couples, family, friends and love. A beautiful sight to see. My friend has a great marriage, two kids and what on the outside looks like a loving family and rock steady relationship. They are a belting couple.

At 43, most, if not all of my long term friends I grew up with are married with children. They have embarked on building a life together, raising kids and growing a family. All perfectly normal and sociologically sound. And then there was me. 43, recently single (again), on my own surrounded by what seemed to be couples on the piss laughing and joking.

I got chatting to a few people, most of them women in party frocks several glasses of Prosecco to the good. An interesting social experiment because you realise that they actually have no barriers or boundaries in asking questions, usually loudly and rather boringly. Plus it was a very middle class suburban area which signifies middle class suburban values.

It seemed that everyone's favourite question to me was "are you single?" and "why" - like I was a social leper or had something wrong with me. (other than a huge quiff)

My favourite was with a girl who was really drunk, loud, forward and in my opinion deeply narrow minded and annoying. When you are a recovering alcoholic and parachuted into the middle of a pissed party it can be trying and draining trying to converse with pissed people for long periods of time. All of their stigmas and views come out loudly and forcibly and most are pretty narrow minded.(and repeat themselves)

I was flagging at being asked the same question many times so, I decided to have fun with this particular Pomagne Princess;

"Who are you?"
"Nick"
"are you single?"
"why has that got to do with anything?"
"I'm just interested"
"Yes I am"
"why?" - like it was a social fua pax and I had just announced I had Aids and was about to cum into the punch

At this point I considered continuing the small talk and answering politely but I couldn't resist myself at this drunken party totty who I instantly took annoyance too;

"Why? Well I guess I'm single for several reasons, but mostly because my father left when I was 12 and my parents got married at 17/18 and I saw my father do the whole married life, build up a home, family, dog, Ford Granada and be incredibly trapped and unhappy and then reject it all for alcoholism and spent the rest of his 26 years running away from that by becoming a street drunk, so It kind of imprinted on me from an early age that building a married life home, kids and family is essentially pointless because the fun will rub off and you will end up living a life of unfulfilled unhappiness."

Her mouth dropped. I was just warming up

"Plus of course when your father who you hero worship, leaves when you are 12 and then your other role model eldest brother when you are 13 then you are mentally scared and feel like a little boy inside. Coupled with the fact you have a strong maternal feel towards your mother and grandmother who essentially brought you up so you feel comfortable in the presence of women and like their presence, even taking notice of how they do their nails you grow up a little confused"

(She takes a large pull on a cigarette and glug of cheap bubbles)

"So I grew up with a double life. Strong masculine outside whilst insecure little boy on the inside who needs the presence of women. Hence my double life was born where I was terrified of losing face to all the boys at school whilst I secretly dated the more ugly girls who were dirtier.

This double life carried on onto adult hood where I tried to make a go of a normal relationship but in truth it just bored me, so I have had a series of unconventional relationships, coupled with conventional ones but have developed a terrible commitment-phobia but also a chronic love addiction because I love to be love and adored and wanted and needed whilst also wanting my freedom to flirt.

This has caused terrible hurt to a number of women who have fallen in love with me, and so many troubles in staying in relationships far longer then I should, because essentially deep down, like many alcoholic men (and all men if they were being really honest) - I am co-dependant on women to make me feel good and really struggle on my own, which has meant I have stayed in relationships but also been dishonest which just causes more hurt.

(she was spell bound at this point or asleep with her eyes open)

 "So, I'm single, yet again because not only couldn't I commit but I didn't want to, but if you find a girl who is damaged enough to put up with all of your shit because she is insecure and a love addict too then it will form a merry dysfunctional dance until one or both of you will get in so much pain that it has to end. That is why I am single now.

(she took another huge gulp)

"Plus I am a love addict, which means I simply cannot be on my own and it means I will do anything in my power to get a woman to fall in love with me due mainly to chronic fear and self insecurity, then once she has fallen in love with me I will abuse that (in a good way with a heavy heart) but none the less be driven by my addiction which will mean I stray away, create double lives and effectively cheat and lie.  This is the nature of love addiction see. I governs your actions not the other way around.

(By now I could see her eyes drooping)

"But don't get me wrong Pomagne girl, it's not all us men's fault. Girls love to play the victims in this so they get all the sympathy and self pity their own form of insecure sickness is seeking, They are equally as sick, it just get lost in man being bad for cheating. What they need to ask is whey are they in that in the first place? Is it because of childhood trauma so they actually like being hurt and expect it or is it because they are chronically co-dependant love addicts who would rather blame you than take responsibility themselves?"

(She sat down)

"I could have been married many times Pomagne girl but I would have been on the wrong end of 3 divorces. That's why I'm single."

"So, now you see why I'm single with no kids. What child deserves to be born into such dis-function and sickness? So many kids are brought up in this dysfunctional manner, no wonder generations are fucked. The die is cast from and early age.

At least I'm honest and self aware enough Pomagne girl to own up to it and speak the truth. I know in my heart when I can respect honour and feel true love in an equal way and receive it from a partner who earns it and doesn't demand it - do I turn into the biggest romantic in the world and want the best fucking marriage love affair and life together and family in the whole world."

"That's when I will be proud to say, no I'm not single I'm with my woman and she fucking rocks"

She left at that point and I never saw her again.

Relationships are not easy. As my pal said. "You are great with women and terrible with relationships." I guess he's right for the above reasons.

I am told that long term relationships require compromise, communication and work. (not exactly romantic movie stuff is it?) I have no idea. I have seen my parents divorce twice. I have seen people live in loveless marriages for the sake of the kids but the detriment to themselves. I have seen people put up with who they are with because they are scared of being alone. I have seen people really happy together and building together. I have seen people pussy whipped. But all of that is up to them.

As my life is up to me. I know in my heart what I am. I know in my heart what I want. I know in my heart i'm not there yet but that's all cool. Love addiction is a thing. Most people have it without even realising itas they do co-dependency

But who gives a toss. Tonight give your partner a kiss and cuddle. And if you haven't got one, don't be sad. Gove yourself a kiss and cuddle and content yourself with the 1000's of people in relationships who would rather give you a kiss and cuddle than the bloody bastard they have laying next to them.

I have a long way to go to get to where I want but you know what I will get there and as some sage spiritual owl once told me. My maximum of the day is 'try not to be a cunt today and hurt someone'

Wise words indeed

Nicholas Edward

xx