Hello You.
Welcome to my blog. Fuck me, it's been an eternity since I last wrote it. If you're new, welcome. If you used to read it back in the day, welcome! TNE is back baby! (TNE stands for The Nick Evans, a piss take on my ego, as people who are so full of their own self importance refer to themselves in the third person and some put a 'The' in front of their name to create an even bigger sense of ego and wankerness. Plus of course, as a recovering alcoholic my main barrier in life is my own ego - hence the title 'Don't you know who i think i am) - hence TNE is largely a send up of myself.
I think I last wrote a piece around 3 years ago. Walking Fucking Football I believe. I mean don't get me wrong, I've lazily rehashed a couple of old favourites. 'Day I shat myself at The London Marathon' (winner) and the piece I wrote about my Father's death and alcoholism (emotional) But largely I've been busy creating a new business, brand and fitness/health movement - Evolution Fitness Studio in SW London. It's fucking ACE!
It opened in January 2018 and i've been frantically working on it since. Well a year before really. It's basically taken over my life. In fact it is my life. I love it!
I've never been a business owner. I've never had a public facing business that attracts about 250 people a week. I've never employed people, never had investors, never had a 12 year lease, or followers, or a business plan or legal requirements, or customers, clients and social media followers & obligations. I've never really had responsibility like this. In fact, fuck it, I've never had any real responsibility.
I mean don't get me wrong. I've had the responsibility of wiping my own arse and feeding myself, being a family member, leaving home at 18 and standing on my own two feet, getting jobs of pretty decent standing in Premier league Football and Professional sport, turning up, having responsibility as a Commercial Director, or in remaining sober etc.
But real responsibility of getting married, having kids, building a life, owning a house, mortgage? Laying down roots. Being a responsible adult? Fuck that, I skilfully dodged that bullet until 3 years ago. Nobody would ever have known though (well apart from all my Ex girlfriends of course and pretty much anyone who knows me well. And those who don't. Apart from that)
I mean I had long term relationships (2 years), a series of good jobs, dressed well, talked well, had an amazing quiff and tan, turned up on time and acted like an adult and masqueraded like an adult. But deep down i always kept £10k in my bank account in case it all got a bit tight and i thought 'fuck this I'm off to Goa'. I spunked most of the money i earned instead of buying - as a mortgage seemed like a bind & scary and normal & a commitment. I had loads of relationships where i could have married. Trouble is I would have been 4 or 5 times divorced by now. Again commitment. Responsiblity. Get me the fuck away!
I think because I was the youngest of 3 boys, the baby, I didn't have to do much plus my father and hero eldest brother were both alcoholics who effectively left the family home and rejected me. Plus i saw my parents get married have kids, house, car, dog really young and my dad was miserable and it just looked like horror. So I got the fear of 'responsibility' before I'd really begun in life.
Hence why I dedicated my life to the pursuit of instant gratification and hedonistic pleasure. First it was drugs, then it was alcohol. When they stopped working and i sobered up through the help of AA (which i still attend regularly and is my lifeline and scaffolding for life), and i got into exercise and lost allot of weight. It became women and sexual pleasure (still working on that one) - combining it with a relentless drive to recovery and sobriety whilst indulging in many addictions outside of alcohol and drugs.
I've had a lot of fun, enjoyed every moment of this magnificent pursuit of pleasure and had the finance to do so, as i only really had myself to look after (and some days i could barely do that) - save for periods where my chronic low self esteem and unmanageability made me skint and in lowly paid jobs for ages. Thinking that's all I'm good for. But then other periods where i was doing well and earning so naturally i just wasted it. On paper it looked like i had a career plan, but really i was just blagging it.
"Live for now, the future will take of itself", I used to tell myself. Really it was all bravado, as underneath I was full of fear and not facing up to things, avoiding real intimacy and responsibility was easier. I was the best lover but the worst boyfriend/potential husband. One of those. Yes, i know it's lame and embarrassing and lacking in substance. I know that now of course - i didn't then. Life is a fine learning curve.
I always had that nagging doubt at the back of my head, sometimes it screamed out loud, 'you're better than this. What is my meaning? What am i meant to do with my life? I tried comedy, ironman triathlons, fitness, marathons, launching my own app (lost £30k), being a corporate beast (never fitted in or felt good enough) - But i always, always avoided responsibility. I never felt fulfilled personally, spiritually or professionally.
My niece, 20 years my junior got married and had two wonderful children, overtaking me. All my old school friends got married, had kids, some even divorced, some sadly passed away. Yet there i remained. Resolutely single. A trail of women in love with me left behind me. But emotionally unavailable. Come and fall in love but don't get too close. No responsibility please!!! My personal life remained messy. My professional life unfulfilled. No plan. No idea.
That was until of course 2016, when a whole series of events, which I won't go into here, otherwise this blog piece, which is already a little like war and peace, will be far too long (it already is but i kind of like that as I'm not trying to sell anything or conform to the modern digital marketing tool of keep it short, punchy, create a hook and give the reader a link to drive traffic - yawn - i like to think people who read all of it are hardcore and old school as they can concentrate and read something for longer than 30 seconds - but i do admit i need a good editor)
Anyway, loads of shit happened to give me responsibility. I was made redundant 3 times in 2 years. I was out of options, i Stopped smoking, after 26 years miraculously via an amazing hypnotherapist who identified smoking as a barrier to life i was using to hold back, and the next day i went 'fuck it I'm going to give fitness a try'. A spin n teacher at a studio i was going to left, i was given 12 classes a week, i threw myself into it, classes became packed. 3 months later it shut down overnight, i raised cash from regulars and 8 months later i opened it as my own brand new Spin and fitness studio and Evolution was born.
My baby/ My life. My responsibility. I ddidnt plan for it. I didn't manifest it. It just kind of happened snd i followed it. The smoking stopping was where it all changed. I stopped running away from life and instead i embraced it and responsibility came my way. Meaning. Purpose.
Jordan Peterson said the meaning of life is responsibility. I know what he means now. I dont have any children but i have 300 people a week at Evolution. i have a team. A community. A bond. A vision. I have a purpose.
So THAT is why I haven't been writing for 3 years. It's been the hardest, most incredible 3 years of my life. 3-6 years ago I was buggering around and writing for fun and doing videos largely complaining about my life and trying to find my role in life. Well, it found me. That i believe is a higher power.
Evolution has taken over my life. It is a success story and growing. So much has changed. So much has happened and it doesnt feel like my doing. It just feels im going with what feels right and enjoying the ride.
And so here I am, on my blog again. My blog. Not Evolution's but mine. Freedom from the Evolution blog. Not having to edit business speak or think of a topic or words i can't say because it's inappropriate for the business. This is my blog and I'll say what i fucking like and for however long and it doesn't matter if 1 person or 1000 read it. I'm writing it for me. Because here's the deal - i enjoy it. It's one of my main passions outside indoor cycling and wearing slightly too tight clothes for my age. I love writing. I love being honest. I love sharing what's in my head on a page and writing like I speak, so you connect, you believe, you can almost hear me saying it. It feels good. It gives me meaning and purpose.
That's the kind of writer I am and I fucking love it and it's so good to be back. I hope it isn't another 3 years before the next post
(Don't worry it will only be a day as I'm away on holiday in Thailand for 10 days for my first break in 2-3 years hence why i have the time to write. I will submit a holiday blog tomorrow - watch out!!)
In the meantime, so good to be back and I hope you enjoyed my ramble
Love you big
TNE
xx
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