It's a little late, so forgive this rather short entry (sound's like a line from a 1970's sitcom.) I've been busy being massively important today.
When you're a legend in your own lunchtime (or living room) being massively (self) important is par for the course. Usually the most important people are the ones who don't think that, so that's something for me to shoot for.
A good day today. Started off with a 5 minute meditation, which always helps. Mind you I was busting for a cigarette halfway through and I lasted around 90 seconds before my mind started churning. Still I managed to hang in there for the full 5 minutes. It may not seem like much to you hardened meditation bastards out there but when you're out of practice it can seem like a lifetime.
I had a couple of very positive work meetings, in the morning with people who are exceptionally 'up' and positive. This rubbed off on me and I found myself feeling in a pretty chirpy mood. I liked this unusual feeling. More please!
The rest of the day was spent doing work and acting all normal. Even though inside I'm a raging lunatic, luckily nobody in my professional life has detected yet. My heart is in the right place, I'm committed, motivated and enthusiastic. It feels good to be content today in my work. I guess I'm pretty lucky on that score. It's only for today mind, as I'm aware things can change pretty quickly, but just for today I enjoyed it.
In the evening I met a mate whom I've got a lot of time for. He's struggling a little so we had a good chat. Lots of identification. Man, he has so much knowledge and awareness. More than me. But fuck me, did he over-complicate it and seemed to be doing his level best to wriggle out of what I identified as alcoholism.
You know when you see someone who has so much talent, personality and sense of humour yet cannot see what is REALLY ruling them? It's painful as you know how good they can be. I heard a lot of complicated thinking when it could be summed up in one word. 'Alcoholism'.
Either I'm brainwashed and can only see one thing (I have been accused in the past, usually by people in total denial) or I have a genuine ability to spot the disease (or similar ones like it, Ism anyone?). I have to be brutally honest with myself on this, which one is it?
my heart, soul and guts tell me the later. I'm not sure about many things in life but I'm sure about that. I guess in no small part due to my life, upbringing and being surrounded by alcoholism all my life, I feel pretty informed and it feels natural to spot this soul sickness and behavioural patterns in others.
It doesn't stop me from being in it myself of course or making a right balls up of my life sometimes. I'm not holier than thou or claim to be fixed or some kind of morally and spiritually more superior being. Far from it. But I'm totally certain when I can hear, see it and spot it in other people's characters. I was brought up with it since as far back as I can remember. It's like a sixth sense I have. (I know this is dangerous ground and you maybe thinking I'm deluded and the oracle but trust me, run with it for now)
How can I be so sure? Well tonight I was at a meeting at The Priory. I met a bloke in there 6 months ago who asked for a chat. He was on Suicide watch. He unloaded his troubles. About how his partner had left, how he was totally reliant on her, how he felt empty without her, how he had drunk for 20 years, how she had propped him up. And so it went on.
I listened for 10 mins but after 1 I knew exactly what the problem was. I'm no expert on other illnesses or a qualified doctor. But to me it was clear as day, textbook untreated alcoholism. Plain and simple. He had no defence and it was ruling his mind, his life and all those around him. But of course he didn't see it.
Today he was in the meeting, 6 months sober, looking great. Yes, still off his head, mad as a box of frogs, but so am i, and I identify with him, but he was giving it a go and in a better place. He was there and so was I. If that's not evidence of my theory I don't know what is. I cant argue with hard facts.
So what am I really interested in?
The first step to solving a problem is accepting it. Once you accept you can ask for help. If you cannot ask for help you will always sit in the problem in one way or other. And I mean REALLY ask for help. Not in stages. Not on your terms. But to be so utterly desperate that you will do anything suggested to get better. That's the real golden shower right there. Everything recovery based comes from there.
To me that's physical sobriety. Could be from drink, drugs, food, sex, gambling, relationships, financial responsibility. Whatever. The first bit is in physically putting down the substance or behaviour or even being willing to want to try and change it. Once the door to true willingness is creaked open. BOOM, you're in business.
Then you are faced with how to you maintain it. That to me is the second part of the equation. Emotional sobriety. The bit that takes a long time. That is the journey. For some it is quicker than others. For some of us it's a lifetime work. That's the journey I'm really interested in. It is a painful bumpy road. There are many blips along the way. Many times you cannot see a way out. But if you have the willingness it will happen. I'm still waiting but becoming more and more aware of the process. It is a fascinating journey.
It's a lonely old battle doing it solo. Sometimes I've done it myself and it usually ends in some kind of pain. Either physical or emotional for me or another person. I've seen people try for years and they only ever end up ill,. sad, unhappy, miserable, isolated, drunk or dead. Still refusing to let go and really ask for help. They say it's pride before a fall. I'm beginning to understand what that means now. Pride will prevent us from so much, including getting the help we need.
Sometimes I don't want emotional sobriety. I want madness, badness, sadness, danger or me. That's just part of the learning process and the journey to emotional sobriety though. That's pretty much the money shot for me. What I'm truly interested in and if I'm honest The Inside Job is pretty much a self examination of that process. It's what floats my boat and I love it.
There I go again banging on about recovery. Like some kind of evangelical preacher. My Lord, Idwell Isaac Evans would be so proud.
Together We REALLY are stronger.
Fuck the pride and ask for help. Courage is in vulnerability not in silence
NE
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Day 90 - The Trial of Oscar and Cock Teasers at Waterloo station
Had a tremendous reaction to yesterday's blog. People seemed to really get into the subject. It was one of my better ones. Probably because it wasn't about me!!
It must be hard to read something everyday that's primarily about the same person. Maybe a little narcissistic. (I am), perhaps a little self obsessed (tell me something I don't know) Possibly even self centred (of course!)
So when a blog comes along that's a sharp observation of the world we live in and a juxtaposition of two extremes colliding together on the same day. People seemed to connect.
Today saw more mundane platitudes and inane tweets about Peaches but the news that really caught my attention today was Oscar Pistorius giving evidence at his murder trial in South Africa.
I can't be arsed to go into the ins and outs of the case, for those who haven't been following it. But here it is in a nutshell.
Paralympic runner with no lower legs, becomes famous for competing in able bodied sport and the first paralympian to compete in the Olympics. Becomes huge global star, sponsored by endless corporations. Lives a life of luxury in SA, gets engaged to a gorgeous blonde model and lives in a secluded gated development.
Then one night, Valentines day 2013, he wakes in the middle of the night, claims to hear an intruder in his bathroom, crawls across the floor with a semi automatic weapon and unloads several rounds through the bathroom door at the suspected intruder who happens to be his now deceased girlfriend. Oops.
Basically he shot her several times claiming it was an accident, that he thought was an intruder. Prosecution claims he murdered her after a long argument, witnessed by neighbours hearing loud voices and arguing over a number of hours. Get the picture?
Not sure about you, but if I woke to a noise thinking there was an intruder in my house, I'd check if my missus was in bed next to me then send her out to check if we were being burgled whilst I cowered under the sheets.
I think Oscar's trying to pull a fast one there.
The case has highlighted why having lots of money and expensive lawyers really helps.
He is giving evidence over the next few days. Yesterday's performance was rather overshadowed by he demise of Peaches Geldof. For those who saw it, he managed to whine on self piteously for several hours crying, wailing and painting himself to be a victim. Must have been pretty hard for the family of the victim.
Today his defence really went to town and used his disability to full effect. Really playing on the juries heart strings to sickening degree.
That's about it in a nutshell. Far be it for me to judge or speculate without knowing the facts. But he's guilty as fuck and will probably get off.
Worked from home today or was it isolating? I hardly talked to a soul, never left my house and felt a little discombobulated (what a word!!) However, a meeting in the evening ironed out those little mental knots. They are like a massage to my soul. I'm a lucky boy.
Rang the lost property office at Waterloo today and stirred the staff from their sleep. Still no sign of my laptop. They said to call back later in the week. Cock teasers!
So much for the power of prayer and law of attraction. I was sure that little gadget would weave it's way back to me. Mind you if someone's picked it up thinking they're onto a winner. It's got more viruses than a rabid dog. I've had it 4 years and I cant even to begin to tell you what it[s been used for. My mother reads this after all.
Can't believe Sky didn't lead with that story over Peaches and Oscar.
Together We Are Stronger #TWAS
NE
It must be hard to read something everyday that's primarily about the same person. Maybe a little narcissistic. (I am), perhaps a little self obsessed (tell me something I don't know) Possibly even self centred (of course!)
So when a blog comes along that's a sharp observation of the world we live in and a juxtaposition of two extremes colliding together on the same day. People seemed to connect.
Today saw more mundane platitudes and inane tweets about Peaches but the news that really caught my attention today was Oscar Pistorius giving evidence at his murder trial in South Africa.
I can't be arsed to go into the ins and outs of the case, for those who haven't been following it. But here it is in a nutshell.
Paralympic runner with no lower legs, becomes famous for competing in able bodied sport and the first paralympian to compete in the Olympics. Becomes huge global star, sponsored by endless corporations. Lives a life of luxury in SA, gets engaged to a gorgeous blonde model and lives in a secluded gated development.
Then one night, Valentines day 2013, he wakes in the middle of the night, claims to hear an intruder in his bathroom, crawls across the floor with a semi automatic weapon and unloads several rounds through the bathroom door at the suspected intruder who happens to be his now deceased girlfriend. Oops.
Basically he shot her several times claiming it was an accident, that he thought was an intruder. Prosecution claims he murdered her after a long argument, witnessed by neighbours hearing loud voices and arguing over a number of hours. Get the picture?
Not sure about you, but if I woke to a noise thinking there was an intruder in my house, I'd check if my missus was in bed next to me then send her out to check if we were being burgled whilst I cowered under the sheets.
I think Oscar's trying to pull a fast one there.
The case has highlighted why having lots of money and expensive lawyers really helps.
He is giving evidence over the next few days. Yesterday's performance was rather overshadowed by he demise of Peaches Geldof. For those who saw it, he managed to whine on self piteously for several hours crying, wailing and painting himself to be a victim. Must have been pretty hard for the family of the victim.
Today his defence really went to town and used his disability to full effect. Really playing on the juries heart strings to sickening degree.
That's about it in a nutshell. Far be it for me to judge or speculate without knowing the facts. But he's guilty as fuck and will probably get off.
Worked from home today or was it isolating? I hardly talked to a soul, never left my house and felt a little discombobulated (what a word!!) However, a meeting in the evening ironed out those little mental knots. They are like a massage to my soul. I'm a lucky boy.
Rang the lost property office at Waterloo today and stirred the staff from their sleep. Still no sign of my laptop. They said to call back later in the week. Cock teasers!
So much for the power of prayer and law of attraction. I was sure that little gadget would weave it's way back to me. Mind you if someone's picked it up thinking they're onto a winner. It's got more viruses than a rabid dog. I've had it 4 years and I cant even to begin to tell you what it[s been used for. My mother reads this after all.
Can't believe Sky didn't lead with that story over Peaches and Oscar.
Together We Are Stronger #TWAS
NE
Monday, April 7, 2014
Day 89 - A Very Strange Modern World as Two Deaths collide
A very modern world.
I'm not going to write much but this afternoon came the breaking news that Peaches Geldof died at 25. It was all over social media and began the rolling news feeding frenzy that a celebrity death sparks.
I'm not one to speculate, hysterically offer my grieving wishes to someone I didn't know, read, observe or follow. I'm also not one to provide advice or theories about her death.
She was someone's mother, daughter, wife, sister, friend. She was a human being. She died. She was 25. That is sad. It is tragic when anyone dies, let alone someone so young. So of course as a fellow human being you don't want people to suffer.
What has struck me today is the reaction has just shown what weird modern times we live in. Here is a 'celebrity', famous for being the daughter of 2 famous parents who lived a life through modern media channels (TV presenter, columnist in magazines) on social media (Instagram Life) who died suddenly which was reported on social media and rolling news channels.
I watched endless 'showbiz editors' being interviewed or 'media experts' about her, her life and death. They all said the same thing. "She was troubled, but she turned her life around, was clearly devoted to her children and seemed happy in her life' - most of this was surmised through watching her Tweets and Instagram pictures. Not from real life. Does it get any more modern than that?
We live in strange times. Where culture is reduced to a sound-bite or image. Where news is amplified into being something bigger than it is. Social media sends it around the world. Fuelling people's appetites for it. Rolling news channels provide even more opportunities for meaningless comment. Nothing interesting is ever said.
Is it any coincidence this happened on the same day that an interview with a retired 89 year old art teacher called Sue was published about her assisted Suicide because she despaired of modern life?
It is ironic these two news events collided on the same day. Essentially Anne's health was failing and she could see the quality of her life diminishing, so she chose to end it whilst she could remember it. It also gave her a chance to go out with a bang and the kind of social commentary that deserves respect;
The 89-year-old retired art teacher, named only as Anne, could not keep up with technology and said computers and TV had created a “lack of humanity”.
Shortly before her death from a fatal dose of drugs, she had claimed people were addicted to gadgets.
She said: “Why do so many people spend their lives sitting in front of a computer or television?
“I have never had a television. People are becoming more and more remote. We are becoming robots. It is this lack of humanity.”
She added: “I find myself swimming against the current, and you can’t do that. If you can’t join them, get off.”
She took a lethal overdoes of barbiturates, saying she wanted to go out with a bang, not a whimper. What a girl. If only the 25 year old Peaches had that choice.
I admire those sentiments and to some extent agree. Having said that, I'm a massive culprit. If Anne had her way I wouldn't be writing this blog and you wouldn't be reading it. I suppose in my own way I'm trying to connect and communicate. At least I tell myself that. Perhaps I'm trying to appease my conscience as perhaps I've become one of those people Anne so despaired of.
I'm not so sure, but I do know she had some excellent points. The world today is insane. Commentators queueing up to talk about Peaches based upon what they saw on social media. That's madness. But we lap it up.
Social media has shortened everything to such an extent now. Do you think my timeline is a true reflection of my life? Of course it isn't. I don't even put any effort into making it looking amazing. Some people do. But you know the worse thing. It's not those who do it, it's those of us who believe it!! Look under the surface. Don't believe the shiny outside.
In the old days people would read something in the paper, decide it's true and then gossip, 'apparently so and so did XYZ'
Its exactly like that on social Media, except it's a bigger audience and the lies get spread quicker. Then we have no idea of what is real or isn't. In fact the truth doesn't matter now. Nobody's interested in it anyway.
I despair too Anne but I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to continue writing this in my own little world on my gadget I'm addicted too with my sore neck that gets worse because I spend too long sat down hunched over a laptop whilst listening to endless loops of news about the same story with different guests saying the same inane platitudes over and over again.
A very curious modern world we live in don't we?
Together We Are Stronger
NE
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teacher-committed-suicide-dignitas-after-
I'm not going to write much but this afternoon came the breaking news that Peaches Geldof died at 25. It was all over social media and began the rolling news feeding frenzy that a celebrity death sparks.
I'm not one to speculate, hysterically offer my grieving wishes to someone I didn't know, read, observe or follow. I'm also not one to provide advice or theories about her death.
She was someone's mother, daughter, wife, sister, friend. She was a human being. She died. She was 25. That is sad. It is tragic when anyone dies, let alone someone so young. So of course as a fellow human being you don't want people to suffer.
What has struck me today is the reaction has just shown what weird modern times we live in. Here is a 'celebrity', famous for being the daughter of 2 famous parents who lived a life through modern media channels (TV presenter, columnist in magazines) on social media (Instagram Life) who died suddenly which was reported on social media and rolling news channels.
I watched endless 'showbiz editors' being interviewed or 'media experts' about her, her life and death. They all said the same thing. "She was troubled, but she turned her life around, was clearly devoted to her children and seemed happy in her life' - most of this was surmised through watching her Tweets and Instagram pictures. Not from real life. Does it get any more modern than that?
We live in strange times. Where culture is reduced to a sound-bite or image. Where news is amplified into being something bigger than it is. Social media sends it around the world. Fuelling people's appetites for it. Rolling news channels provide even more opportunities for meaningless comment. Nothing interesting is ever said.
Is it any coincidence this happened on the same day that an interview with a retired 89 year old art teacher called Sue was published about her assisted Suicide because she despaired of modern life?
It is ironic these two news events collided on the same day. Essentially Anne's health was failing and she could see the quality of her life diminishing, so she chose to end it whilst she could remember it. It also gave her a chance to go out with a bang and the kind of social commentary that deserves respect;
The 89-year-old retired art teacher, named only as Anne, could not keep up with technology and said computers and TV had created a “lack of humanity”.
Shortly before her death from a fatal dose of drugs, she had claimed people were addicted to gadgets.
She said: “Why do so many people spend their lives sitting in front of a computer or television?
“I have never had a television. People are becoming more and more remote. We are becoming robots. It is this lack of humanity.”
She added: “I find myself swimming against the current, and you can’t do that. If you can’t join them, get off.”
She took a lethal overdoes of barbiturates, saying she wanted to go out with a bang, not a whimper. What a girl. If only the 25 year old Peaches had that choice.
I admire those sentiments and to some extent agree. Having said that, I'm a massive culprit. If Anne had her way I wouldn't be writing this blog and you wouldn't be reading it. I suppose in my own way I'm trying to connect and communicate. At least I tell myself that. Perhaps I'm trying to appease my conscience as perhaps I've become one of those people Anne so despaired of.
I'm not so sure, but I do know she had some excellent points. The world today is insane. Commentators queueing up to talk about Peaches based upon what they saw on social media. That's madness. But we lap it up.
Social media has shortened everything to such an extent now. Do you think my timeline is a true reflection of my life? Of course it isn't. I don't even put any effort into making it looking amazing. Some people do. But you know the worse thing. It's not those who do it, it's those of us who believe it!! Look under the surface. Don't believe the shiny outside.
In the old days people would read something in the paper, decide it's true and then gossip, 'apparently so and so did XYZ'
Its exactly like that on social Media, except it's a bigger audience and the lies get spread quicker. Then we have no idea of what is real or isn't. In fact the truth doesn't matter now. Nobody's interested in it anyway.
I despair too Anne but I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to continue writing this in my own little world on my gadget I'm addicted too with my sore neck that gets worse because I spend too long sat down hunched over a laptop whilst listening to endless loops of news about the same story with different guests saying the same inane platitudes over and over again.
A very curious modern world we live in don't we?
Together We Are Stronger
NE
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teacher-committed-suicide-dignitas-after-
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Day 88 - Today is All About You - Finding inspiration in others
I want to talk about what REALLY helps me. Not me, not my stupid sodding bleeding laptop. Not me giving up diet coke. Not my neck, my back, my head, my alcoholism.
Today I want to talk about you. Yes you! Of course I'm sure I'll find some way of weaving it back to myself. That's standard. But today I really want to concentrate on my fellow man (and woman)
It struck me at my regular (not so regular recently because I haven't showed up for the past x2 Friday's) AA meeting how much I am indebted, inspired and deeply touched by my fellow recovering alkies. (that sounds a bit wrong the last bit)
Most of them don't even know how much they help me. I don't speak to them in the week, keep up to date with their lives, or even know some of their surnames. But I feel a deep affinity with the guys who show up every Friday who's lives I have seen transform over the past 3.6.9.12, 24 months.
It inspires me. People who turn up shivering wrecks, become humans again. People with incredible anger issues take up meditation and try to change. People with enormous fear tackle it head on and give it their best shot. Social misfits with a deep sadness in them find a dignity and pride in staying sober. They don't have to have changed or be 'well' for me to be inspired. They merely have to try. That does it for me every time. When I see someone doing that I'm totally in their corner and rooting for them.
It makes me cry sometimes, especially to see the vulnerable and insecure attempting to find themselves. There is a real Noble human dignity in them and tonight it really choked me up. I really felt it.
I've always been drawn to the vulnerable or how you may describe, the 'socially inept'. Outcasts. You know the ones, the sort that some people find it easy to put down and poke fun at.
An old timer at Tooting called it right when she said to me, ' I've been watching you Nick, I know you've always had a soft spot for the vulnerable'. Keep doing it. A smile here, a 'how are you' there. Always seek them out and make them feel included. You don't know how much that can mean to people'. How cool the old girl saying that to me. It made me feel 100 feet tall.
So on her advice, I have always tried to do this. Obviously not for the scary sex cases or dangerously Ill. More for the quiet helpless ones you just know have had a hard life.
Sometimes in meetings (especially around Chelsea) it's easy to gravitate towards 'the groovy gang' or people you think will give you a heads up, or your pals after the meeting. What about the lonely isolated ones in terror and bewilderment? Who's giving them a hug or a handshake? I know if I was in that position, and I have been in my early days, I was crying out for someone to come and say 'how are you doing', and really mean it. There is a phrase we use in AA, "I am responsible, when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that I am responsible." I suppose the real point of that is in doing it not saying it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not painting myself to be some kind of hero here. I've done my fair share of stepping over the ones who need help to say hello to a pretty girl. We all do it ant some stage. I've got to own that one.
The guy at my meeting who will remain nameless is someone I am drawn too. A large cumbersome awkward man. Slightly bumbling and socially inept. But I've always liked him and always feel better when he's in a meeting. I think. 'If he can stay sober and do this so can I'. He has no idea that in the last 2 years I have seen him stay sober, slowly do the programme and become more himself. Yes he's still painfully odd at times but totally harmless and gaining the confidence to be himself. It helps me and he has no idea.
He loves his cricket so he's alright in my book and I like him a lot. I just feel happy to see him gaining confidence in himself. Isn't that what we're all after in one way or other? Self acceptance however that looks. I find it inspiring and tonight it made me cry a little to myself. I find that human journey deeply moving. Probably because it's the thing I crave in myself.
There was someone 10 months sober who after years of fighting herself is slowly changing. That helps me. There is a guy 8 months sober slowly changing after years of carnage. That helps me. There are guys years sober still battling their head and being open about it. That helps me.
There is my oldest mate in sobriety, anger issues, hard upbringing. A total mans man going on a silent Buddhist retreat to help love himself. That helps me.
I am inspired by others. In truth not the high flyer's. Not the numerous motivational speakers and self development coaches saying, 'If you do this you too can have a $5million mansion like me". That doesn't sit right. It doesn't move me.
I find it in the ordinary every day changes that people do. Stopping smoking, speaking up for themselves, telling their truth, buying a home. Whatever it may be. facing up to fears and doing it. Man I find that inspirational.
And for you non alcoholics reading this feeling a little shut out, resentful or who maybe thinking, 'this is the stuff normal people do every day'. Well I find you just a little bit inspirational too. Raising kids, providing, doing your best. That takes courage and dedication and don't think that is lost on me.
You're all heroes to me, so go out there and feel 100 feet tall today and say to yourself, 'I'm doing a decent job'. Because you are. You all help me.
Together We Are Stronger
NE
Today I want to talk about you. Yes you! Of course I'm sure I'll find some way of weaving it back to myself. That's standard. But today I really want to concentrate on my fellow man (and woman)
It struck me at my regular (not so regular recently because I haven't showed up for the past x2 Friday's) AA meeting how much I am indebted, inspired and deeply touched by my fellow recovering alkies. (that sounds a bit wrong the last bit)
Most of them don't even know how much they help me. I don't speak to them in the week, keep up to date with their lives, or even know some of their surnames. But I feel a deep affinity with the guys who show up every Friday who's lives I have seen transform over the past 3.6.9.12, 24 months.
It inspires me. People who turn up shivering wrecks, become humans again. People with incredible anger issues take up meditation and try to change. People with enormous fear tackle it head on and give it their best shot. Social misfits with a deep sadness in them find a dignity and pride in staying sober. They don't have to have changed or be 'well' for me to be inspired. They merely have to try. That does it for me every time. When I see someone doing that I'm totally in their corner and rooting for them.
It makes me cry sometimes, especially to see the vulnerable and insecure attempting to find themselves. There is a real Noble human dignity in them and tonight it really choked me up. I really felt it.
I've always been drawn to the vulnerable or how you may describe, the 'socially inept'. Outcasts. You know the ones, the sort that some people find it easy to put down and poke fun at.
An old timer at Tooting called it right when she said to me, ' I've been watching you Nick, I know you've always had a soft spot for the vulnerable'. Keep doing it. A smile here, a 'how are you' there. Always seek them out and make them feel included. You don't know how much that can mean to people'. How cool the old girl saying that to me. It made me feel 100 feet tall.
So on her advice, I have always tried to do this. Obviously not for the scary sex cases or dangerously Ill. More for the quiet helpless ones you just know have had a hard life.
Sometimes in meetings (especially around Chelsea) it's easy to gravitate towards 'the groovy gang' or people you think will give you a heads up, or your pals after the meeting. What about the lonely isolated ones in terror and bewilderment? Who's giving them a hug or a handshake? I know if I was in that position, and I have been in my early days, I was crying out for someone to come and say 'how are you doing', and really mean it. There is a phrase we use in AA, "I am responsible, when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that I am responsible." I suppose the real point of that is in doing it not saying it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not painting myself to be some kind of hero here. I've done my fair share of stepping over the ones who need help to say hello to a pretty girl. We all do it ant some stage. I've got to own that one.
The guy at my meeting who will remain nameless is someone I am drawn too. A large cumbersome awkward man. Slightly bumbling and socially inept. But I've always liked him and always feel better when he's in a meeting. I think. 'If he can stay sober and do this so can I'. He has no idea that in the last 2 years I have seen him stay sober, slowly do the programme and become more himself. Yes he's still painfully odd at times but totally harmless and gaining the confidence to be himself. It helps me and he has no idea.
He loves his cricket so he's alright in my book and I like him a lot. I just feel happy to see him gaining confidence in himself. Isn't that what we're all after in one way or other? Self acceptance however that looks. I find it inspiring and tonight it made me cry a little to myself. I find that human journey deeply moving. Probably because it's the thing I crave in myself.
There was someone 10 months sober who after years of fighting herself is slowly changing. That helps me. There is a guy 8 months sober slowly changing after years of carnage. That helps me. There are guys years sober still battling their head and being open about it. That helps me.
There is my oldest mate in sobriety, anger issues, hard upbringing. A total mans man going on a silent Buddhist retreat to help love himself. That helps me.
I am inspired by others. In truth not the high flyer's. Not the numerous motivational speakers and self development coaches saying, 'If you do this you too can have a $5million mansion like me". That doesn't sit right. It doesn't move me.
I find it in the ordinary every day changes that people do. Stopping smoking, speaking up for themselves, telling their truth, buying a home. Whatever it may be. facing up to fears and doing it. Man I find that inspirational.
And for you non alcoholics reading this feeling a little shut out, resentful or who maybe thinking, 'this is the stuff normal people do every day'. Well I find you just a little bit inspirational too. Raising kids, providing, doing your best. That takes courage and dedication and don't think that is lost on me.
You're all heroes to me, so go out there and feel 100 feet tall today and say to yourself, 'I'm doing a decent job'. Because you are. You all help me.
Together We Are Stronger
NE
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Day 87 - Starred Up and No more Diet Coke
Tonight I watched Starred Up. It is excellent. Usually the £13 to watch a movie these days is a rip off. Going to the movies is great but most of the films are essentially shit. But not this one. Not tonight.
Starred Up is a gritty British film that concentrates on a young man with huge anger issues who is 'starred up' from young offenders, to proper prison.
I won't give much away but what I can say is that it is brilliant. Brutal, real, beautifully acted, sharply written, dry as a bone, no fat on it. No attempt to make it 'cool' like some Guy Ritchie bollocks. This is proper British film making of the highest order. It explores race issues, family issues, pride, inability to express oneself, anger, anger at the system, procedures. Everything. I urge you all to see it.
Laptop still not turned up. There is no doubting, even 4 days later I consider myself to be a massive bell end.
On other news I received the results form my MRI scan on my neck today. I have chronic Osteochondritis in C6/7. Fuck knows what it is but I don't like the sound or feel of it.
I immediately went into panic mode and convinced myself I would have a life of misery, in pain every day and before long restricted mobility. I just knew I would be in a mobility scooter at 50. All my piss taking coming back to haunt me. My penance.
In truth I got scared. My degenerative dehydrated lower discs, this neck problem, fatigue issues and rotting teeth. How much more harm do I want to do? When will I give in?
The answer is right now. I stop diet coke. No more. It's most probably rotting my bones, kidney, teeth and guts. I am proper addicted but today I decided. Enough. No drama, no more on it as I've said this before but sod it. No more.
That's it from me today. I drank tons of water. Did actually work from home (though I did squeeze in an episode of Minder later in the day) and went to the cinema with my girl. Thankfully I didn't eat at anyone, I didn't piss anyone off, I didn't cause a fuss. I just sat there and watched the best British film for years. Go and see for yourself and get all Starred Up. You will not regret it.
Together We Are Stronger
NE
Starred Up is a gritty British film that concentrates on a young man with huge anger issues who is 'starred up' from young offenders, to proper prison.
I won't give much away but what I can say is that it is brilliant. Brutal, real, beautifully acted, sharply written, dry as a bone, no fat on it. No attempt to make it 'cool' like some Guy Ritchie bollocks. This is proper British film making of the highest order. It explores race issues, family issues, pride, inability to express oneself, anger, anger at the system, procedures. Everything. I urge you all to see it.
Laptop still not turned up. There is no doubting, even 4 days later I consider myself to be a massive bell end.
On other news I received the results form my MRI scan on my neck today. I have chronic Osteochondritis in C6/7. Fuck knows what it is but I don't like the sound or feel of it.
I immediately went into panic mode and convinced myself I would have a life of misery, in pain every day and before long restricted mobility. I just knew I would be in a mobility scooter at 50. All my piss taking coming back to haunt me. My penance.
In truth I got scared. My degenerative dehydrated lower discs, this neck problem, fatigue issues and rotting teeth. How much more harm do I want to do? When will I give in?
The answer is right now. I stop diet coke. No more. It's most probably rotting my bones, kidney, teeth and guts. I am proper addicted but today I decided. Enough. No drama, no more on it as I've said this before but sod it. No more.
That's it from me today. I drank tons of water. Did actually work from home (though I did squeeze in an episode of Minder later in the day) and went to the cinema with my girl. Thankfully I didn't eat at anyone, I didn't piss anyone off, I didn't cause a fuss. I just sat there and watched the best British film for years. Go and see for yourself and get all Starred Up. You will not regret it.
Together We Are Stronger
NE
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Day 86 - Mr Potato Head
I've got nothing today. I think that Sahara dust storm has seeped into my head. It's a struggle to remember what I did today let alone write about it.
Laptop still missing. As is my sense of humour today.
Feeling a bit grim physically which has effected my mind. Some deep rooted negativity is rumbling around but I will spare you the dull details.
Highlight of my day was eating some fresh pork scratchings. Yep it really has been that dull. Some Vague inner desires to stop caning loads of diet coke but failed to deal with that one, causing more inner gloom and resignation. Oh dear. Back to the old days. All caused by heavy candida that really does rather scramble my mind.
Still, I'm not going down that root. You know the sort of day where you don't want to pick up the phone, speak to anyone or go out? That's exactly how I felt today.
Instead I did 2 long business meetings, or for the new age mob, 'connections'. Saw my chiropractor who insisted on no exercise and a neck x-ray for my on-going pain in the neck (literally and metaphorically)
Today will go down as number 156,765 in my all time day. Still, I didn't drink, have a regular job and have much to be grateful for. Perhaps I can concentrate on that before bed and hope I feel better tomorrow
Until then
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Laptop still missing. As is my sense of humour today.
Feeling a bit grim physically which has effected my mind. Some deep rooted negativity is rumbling around but I will spare you the dull details.
Highlight of my day was eating some fresh pork scratchings. Yep it really has been that dull. Some Vague inner desires to stop caning loads of diet coke but failed to deal with that one, causing more inner gloom and resignation. Oh dear. Back to the old days. All caused by heavy candida that really does rather scramble my mind.
Still, I'm not going down that root. You know the sort of day where you don't want to pick up the phone, speak to anyone or go out? That's exactly how I felt today.
Instead I did 2 long business meetings, or for the new age mob, 'connections'. Saw my chiropractor who insisted on no exercise and a neck x-ray for my on-going pain in the neck (literally and metaphorically)
Today will go down as number 156,765 in my all time day. Still, I didn't drink, have a regular job and have much to be grateful for. Perhaps I can concentrate on that before bed and hope I feel better tomorrow
Until then
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Day 85 - A question of Priorities. Yoga, Gym, Cycle, AA?
For someone who bangs on about AA, recovery and the subtle perils of alcoholic thinking, I really am a total moron sometimes. This is from someone who's a big fan of recovery.
As I described in yesterday's blog. The disease was rife in me head. So today I intended to treat that head with my medication, and go to a meeting to get back on track.
I finished work around 5ish and took the train back to Richmond. It was a beautiful day so when I got back to Richmond at 6pm I decided a cup of tea outside Costa in the early evening sun was in order.
As I sat there drinking tea and smoking cigarettes contemplating all the healthy things I could do with my evening, I listed them in order of priority.
1 - Bikram Yoga (chiropractor said no exercise for a few days, but what does he know?)
2 - Gym (as above)
3 - Sprint in the park (as above)
4 - Cycle on the turbo trainer at home (as above)
5 - Watch Man Utd v Bayern Munich (I hate Man Utd)
6 - Write my blog (I actually like that)
7 - AA meeting. (Do I have to?)
I was seriously wrestling with what to do. Nearly all of them involved making myself look physically good. All about the outside. Such is the importance I clearly place on that. The inside Job didn't enter my mind. Well, not until number 7 anyway.
The irony wasn't lost on my lunatic ego that whilst I sat there considering all these external fixes to make me look physically good I was heavily smoking and necking caffeine. That's what I'm up against see.
Then a member of AA went past, tapped me on the shoulder and we shared a cuppa. He was on the way to the 7pm meeting round the corner. Fuck, there was no way out now. If that's not a sign I didn't know what is.
We shared a chat about women and how difficult relationships are, (we didn't come to any conclusions and NO girls we didn't put the blame at your door, though you are hard work - but then again we both agreed, so are we. Score draw ) he disappeared off to the meeting and I went to retrieve my car, saying, "I''ll see you up there in 30 I'm just going to pick up my car,"
My head still had time to consider bailing and rejig the list in my head. AA this time went up from number 7 to number 3. Then my best mate in recovery rang me, I hadn't spoken to him in weeks and he let me know a guy we knew 9 years sober hung himself a few weeks ago.
Suddenly there was no arguing. AA became number 1.
I parked up, went in, heard a top reading, identified strongly, felt myself relax, breath easier, feel at ease and said to myself, "why the fuck do I do that to myself, I so need these meetings." Self sabotage of the highest order. What a lucky boy I am.
Onto more mundane matters, The Times didn't carry the whole, 'Nick lost his Laptop' story this morning. Sky News didn't put out 'Breaking News' and the Police didn't do a media appeal. It was a news blackout. Plus those useless sicko's in lost property didn't call either. They're probably too busy counting their fingers. The laptop is still lost.
There is a positive side to that though. I'm using a work laptop so I'm unable to use the Internet for any fruity material. Perhaps losing it was the universe's way of telling me something. Read a book, do something constructive. Don't watch porn. It rots your soul, makes you withdraw and is bad for your spiritual health. I cant argue with any of that so perhaps God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Perhaps that's how the change is being delivered. Enforced.
If it means I feel lighter, brighter and more spiritually connected then that's great. Besides if someone uses the laptop at work and taps into the web browser to discover 'Red Hot Lesbian Lovers 1,2.3 and 4' I could be trouble. I best stick with Ebay me thinks. Much safer. I'll be a spiritual giant before you can say, 'click top right to hide the search history'. My ego doesn't give in that easily.
I think I should say cheers to my higher power tonight. It saved me from myself. Nice one God. Top man (being, woman, presence, whatever you are)
Together We are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
As I described in yesterday's blog. The disease was rife in me head. So today I intended to treat that head with my medication, and go to a meeting to get back on track.
I finished work around 5ish and took the train back to Richmond. It was a beautiful day so when I got back to Richmond at 6pm I decided a cup of tea outside Costa in the early evening sun was in order.
As I sat there drinking tea and smoking cigarettes contemplating all the healthy things I could do with my evening, I listed them in order of priority.
1 - Bikram Yoga (chiropractor said no exercise for a few days, but what does he know?)
2 - Gym (as above)
3 - Sprint in the park (as above)
4 - Cycle on the turbo trainer at home (as above)
5 - Watch Man Utd v Bayern Munich (I hate Man Utd)
6 - Write my blog (I actually like that)
7 - AA meeting. (Do I have to?)
I was seriously wrestling with what to do. Nearly all of them involved making myself look physically good. All about the outside. Such is the importance I clearly place on that. The inside Job didn't enter my mind. Well, not until number 7 anyway.
The irony wasn't lost on my lunatic ego that whilst I sat there considering all these external fixes to make me look physically good I was heavily smoking and necking caffeine. That's what I'm up against see.
Then a member of AA went past, tapped me on the shoulder and we shared a cuppa. He was on the way to the 7pm meeting round the corner. Fuck, there was no way out now. If that's not a sign I didn't know what is.
We shared a chat about women and how difficult relationships are, (we didn't come to any conclusions and NO girls we didn't put the blame at your door, though you are hard work - but then again we both agreed, so are we. Score draw ) he disappeared off to the meeting and I went to retrieve my car, saying, "I''ll see you up there in 30 I'm just going to pick up my car,"
My head still had time to consider bailing and rejig the list in my head. AA this time went up from number 7 to number 3. Then my best mate in recovery rang me, I hadn't spoken to him in weeks and he let me know a guy we knew 9 years sober hung himself a few weeks ago.
Suddenly there was no arguing. AA became number 1.
I parked up, went in, heard a top reading, identified strongly, felt myself relax, breath easier, feel at ease and said to myself, "why the fuck do I do that to myself, I so need these meetings." Self sabotage of the highest order. What a lucky boy I am.
Onto more mundane matters, The Times didn't carry the whole, 'Nick lost his Laptop' story this morning. Sky News didn't put out 'Breaking News' and the Police didn't do a media appeal. It was a news blackout. Plus those useless sicko's in lost property didn't call either. They're probably too busy counting their fingers. The laptop is still lost.
There is a positive side to that though. I'm using a work laptop so I'm unable to use the Internet for any fruity material. Perhaps losing it was the universe's way of telling me something. Read a book, do something constructive. Don't watch porn. It rots your soul, makes you withdraw and is bad for your spiritual health. I cant argue with any of that so perhaps God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Perhaps that's how the change is being delivered. Enforced.
If it means I feel lighter, brighter and more spiritually connected then that's great. Besides if someone uses the laptop at work and taps into the web browser to discover 'Red Hot Lesbian Lovers 1,2.3 and 4' I could be trouble. I best stick with Ebay me thinks. Much safer. I'll be a spiritual giant before you can say, 'click top right to hide the search history'. My ego doesn't give in that easily.
I think I should say cheers to my higher power tonight. It saved me from myself. Nice one God. Top man (being, woman, presence, whatever you are)
Together We are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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