It's been a long winter. We've been battered by wind, rain and flooding. Just when you thought you got through the worst of it. BOOM, along came February and fucked us with the floods. February is a right cunt of a month. It makes you believe that the good times are on their way (March) only to finish you off with a kidney shot (or a big sodding storm)
This country is obsessed by weather. We either talk about it, write about it or set our day by it. When half the country recently flooded, the media almost got a hard-on. Suddenly the weather became headline news. It's been a long slow grinding winter that has stretched on like an Eastenders Omnibus. The news covered it like a state occasion.
Waking up to splendid sunshine, clear blue skies and 18 degrees today felt like we had finally got through winter. We had survived. We had made it. Yes! Well done team. Spring is here.
There is something about sunshine and clear blue skies that puts a spring in your step. You feel a little more optimistic. There is a lighter feel. Spring is a great time of the year.
Today was very funny. When we have been starved of sunshine, the merest hint of good weather is enough to dress like Baywatch. I saw so many people in shorts and vests. Most of which were built for the pub not the track. It became impossible to tell which were men or women such was the display of vest tits around.
In London, because there is so little space, all the parks and green areas are teeming with pasty faced urbans. All desperate for a bit of fresh air after being couped up all winter.
I went to the park. It was packed and brilliant. People eating ice creams, laying around fucking about on their phones, sunbathing fucking about on their phones, playing football (on their phones), families ignoring each other fucking around on their phones, people were even doing BBQ's for fucks sake. Some bloke looked like he had set fire to his entire family such was the amount of smoke he generated.
I love Britain, we are genuinely insane. 16 degrees and we carry on like it's Copacabana Beach! In Earlsfield.
I remained in t-shirt and jeans I hasten to add. No cock jocks and vest for me. The walk in the park was slightly affected by me putting my back out in the gym yesterday. It's proper fucked and I can't straighten up, so I spent the entire walk looking as if I was trying to duck something sideways. Not good for my image but great for the ego.
Guess what the lead story on the Evening News was when I got home?
"Today the Sun shone!"
I shit you not it was. We are that dull in the UK the lead story was that the sun came out. Predictably it showed pictures of people in the park, eating ice creams, wearing shorts/vests, sunbathing whilst fucking around on their phones. Pretty much everything I had just seen in the park.
Is it too much to ask that the TV news to report stuff more than I had just seen with my own eyes. Can it not extend itself a bit? Tomorrows headlines..........2 Trains were late on the district line. Come on TV news get a fucking grip.
Apparently it's sunny all week, can't wait for the news updates
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
If s
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Day 62 - The Joys of Sobriety
There were a few comments floating around yesterday's blog. I should let it go as people will always think what they think and it's pointless constantly engaging. It becomes Like an argument by blog. Dull for most of the readers I should think. But the need to be right and justified is so strong yet ultimately futile and living in the problem. The right sober thing to do. The recovery thing to do is to respect other's opinions, be fair minded, shrug, say, 'live and let live' and move on.
But where is the fun in that?!!!
To finally put this to bed so I can move on, I wanted to pull up a couple of the comments and deal with the main beef that seems to have riled this particular reader.
Firstly someone commented that I may like to do a step 10, for all you non recovery people. Step 10 is a sort of spot inventory of yourself so you can quickly realise alcoholic behaviour and then make an apology if neccessary. It is, in essence a spiritual way of living. Designed to keep your behaviour on the right track.
It is NOT to point out in other people though. The step is - 'Continued to take moral inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it'. Dealing with that comment is simple. Err, I did my own inventory in the blog yesterday and I wasn't in the wrong. So what's there to admit? Case closed.
The comment smelt of recovery snobbery of the highest order - a beautiful textbook exponent of taking 'moral inventory of someone else and deciding they were in the wrong' - Precisely what I'm doing, except I'm not in denial I'm doing it. My first instinct is to point out what's wrong with you and the world and totally fail to see my own behaviour.
It's like a double insane whammy of denial. There is nothing worse than a recovery snob spouting recovery advice from a lofty moral high ground whilst displaying all the signs of arrogance and ugly character traits themselves. Precisely what I was accused of. A delicious irony. Thank you commentator!
I've never hidden by instinct I'm a self centred, ego maniac alcoholic who sees the faults in others not myself. This blog is highlighting the attempt to challenge these behavioural patterns in me, hold up a light to them, laugh at them and say it's OK to have these. Not to criticise and condemn people for having them. I only do that when they deny it. Changing behaviour is a long process learnt from experience of getting things wrong. My favourite chapter in the Big Book is called 'Spiritual Experience of the Education Variety'. Show me don't tell me.
The second part of the comment accused me of getting my friends to agree with me and bully the person who sent the mail. What the fuck? Talk about persecution complex and playing the victim. Fuck me are they reading something different from the rest of the world?
I didn't ask anyone to agree, I didn't ask anyone to do anything other than read the mail and give me their honest opinion. Sometimes I don't trust myself and need objective opinions. Where the fuck ganging up came from merely highlights this person's incredible chip on both shoulders. When you need a real opinion other than your own you take it to trusted sources, say nothing and let them decide. That's called impartial feedback. I even sent it to my own mother who's the wisest, straightest shooter there is and always calls me out when I've fucked up. She said, 'clearly that person has their own issues and it's triggered something off in them. They have a right to their own opinion but they're not right with it. Don't worry,"
Apparently I am getting rinsed here because I had the temerity and shocking ego to thank God for looking after me in 3 near death experiences. I know awful isn't it. Well worth sparking a debate and argument about.
I really wouldn't mind the abuse if I did a blog saying racism is great, or how the Radio DJ's from the 70's have had a harsh deal. Or how people who don't believe in God are misguided. Then I would deserve abuse. But I didn't.
I said I was looked after and didn't mention the guy who died in the accident this all of a sudden means by this person's words I am an ego maniac, narcissist in ego with a very simple grasp of a 'pocket god'. Clearly this person is a spiritual giant, never makes mistakes and is a puritanical saint. Oh and an intellectual heavyweight.
Well, we know that when people feel bad about themselves they try and put another down. Lord knows I've done enough of it in my life. And if you think I am in denial because that's what I've done in my blogs yesterday and today, too fucking right I'm putting them down. Why? Because they can fuck off that's why.
I don't think that the guy who died in my accident wasn't looked after by God because he died and I didn't. I don't feel a sense of superiority because I escaped and he didn't. Who's to say we only have one life. What happens if we have several and we have spiritual guides (which I choose to call God) and my time wasn't up In this life cycle but it was for him? We all have finite time. It is very common that people with near death experiences, let alone three, develop a strong faith and spiritual belief, usually over a long period of time.
Who the fuck is it any ones right to question or belittle anyone Else's belief? That kind of spiritual arrogance and hierarchy is pure ego. My grasp of God is better than yours type shit. I have no time for that. There is enough of it in organised religion. That really is ugly and anyone that does it to me or anyone else for that matter can go and fuck themselves with a massive shitty stick.
I suffered 6 months of hell after that accident. The guy was speeding and not wearing a seat belt and sped across my side of the road and ploughed straight into the milk float I was driving. He died on impact. By his own hands. Did he deserve to die? Of course not. Did his kids deserve to grow up without a dad? No. But he did it. His choice was to drive like a mad man. His choice was not to wear a seat belt. Harsh repercussions but these kind of accidents happen every day. I was a 17 year old kid who had to testify in front of his widow and parents, with their solicitor asking me questions trying to make out it was my fault. It wasn't. Should I therefore carry his soul around with me for the rest of my life?
Did I harbour resentments? Too fucking right I did. Did it fuck me up emotionally? Dam straight. Did I have guilt complex about surviving and he didn't? Yes. For ages. Do I think about him now? No I don't. Do I feel for his family? Of course I fucking do you moron. Does he deserve to be held up as a victim and martyr? Not for me to judge that one. I'll leave that to puritanical misguided others.
But The inside Job is about me. My head. My disease. My recovery. My ego. My changes. My battle. My life.
The only conclusion I can come to, is that it wasn't my time. It's up to me if I choose to feel that was an act of God. We can feel anything we like it is our right as human beings. It is not acceptable in my opinion for anyone else to condemn our feelings. (Don't worry the irony is not lost on me that is exactly what I'm doing in this blog. But they started it - see how childish my ego is when I let it roam as I'm doing in this blog) If I was preaching then fair enough. But I wasn't. Looking back I was lucky. I couldn't accept for ages I lived. I felt guilty. They now call it post traumatic stress disorder. That doesn't mean I'm portraying myself as a 'poor me' victim. Nor am I gloating that I lived. Someone even suggesting that I think is insane and highly offensive.
I think it highlights more that there is something deeply wrong in them than me if I'm honest. And if nothing else I truly hope they go to more meetings and hold the mirror up to their own self and have a good rummage inside as I'm doing to myself.
I certainly believe I am in different life cycles and passing through this one. I am not chosen. I am not different. I am not superior. We are all equal. We are just us. We all have a right to believe in our own conceptions of spirit or God or religion. Mine is neither better nor worse than yours. Mine is just mine. I think our little commentators would do well to remember that.
On a more joyful note I experienced a true joy of sobriety last night.
After 12 years sobriety, I walked into Istanbul Kebab King and bought a large Donner Kebab...sober. Oh yes stark raving sober.
I've come a long way. In the old days a Dirty Doner at midnight on a Friday would have meant a very different experience. This one was fat, greasy and dirty. In fact not too dissimilar to the old days. Difference is this one only cost £4.90. See, I am improving.
Together We Are Stronger (although I love that comment from yesterday who said, 'together we are stranger' - so true judging by this week's feedback)
Nicholas Evans
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Day 61 - Challenging the ego and dealing with the haters - change in action
This blog is supposed to be about change. To be honest, some days I don't feel like changing. I don't actively engage with bettering myself. Life takes over. I feel that I mostly try to do my best but sometimes I fall short.
By nature an alcoholic personality is self obsessed, self centred and narcissistic. If you think on a larger scale. What does alcoholism/addiction do? It will stop at nothing to suck all the attention, all the sympathy, all the energy out of people in it's path. Ever been married or involved with one? Draining isn't it? Left unchecked alcoholism will run riot and hoover everything up. Including the one who has it. Others are merely casualties in it's path.
So if we multiply that on a sociological level. What effect does it have on society. It bleeds £billions every year on NHS, law, police, hospitals, courts, benefits. It's an epidemic. Like obesity. Left unchecked without recovery programmes it goes on and on and on.
That's why I'm a big supporter of recovery. For me, for the family, for systems, for society. I support any kind of recovery. Not perfect car-washed recovery fresh out of the production line. Not people claiming to know the secret. I love people who share their truth, their struggles with their head, their ego, their pain of change. I find that real, refreshing and engaging. Tell me YOUR experience and I will connect with mine. Don't tell me what Mine should be. Show me how and I will try and do it.
On many days I'm 'in it' without even realising I'm in my alcoholic head and acting swervy. Does that make sense? My alcoholic ego loves my defects of character. It loves my ego. It loves being locked in me. Sometimes like a pig in shit, Wallowing around in it like a messy bog. I'm drawn to that way of thinking/acting. That is my natural ego maniac state of alcoholism. That's why I go to meetings, attend AA, try my best - it's the only chance I have of getting out of it and creating a bit of distance between the alcoholic me and the 'normal' me.
But it's not a quick process. It's a long slow job and this blog is supposed to be an authentic and honest account of that. I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, have the answers or indeed make moral and arrogant judgments on other people. I am always my harshest critic and weirdly I am always the last to know when I'm acting 'in the disease'.
So, shall we talk about change? How am I changing? I'll give you an example today.
This morning I woke up to an email message from someone I don't know who reads this blog. It was in my opinion judgmental, arrogant, ego-tistical, morally snobbish and condescending. My initial thought was 'fuck you'. Then I did the whole 'oh god maybe they're right and started beating myself up'. Then I wanted to send a long clever reply putting them down and trying to win an intellectual and morally superior argument.
Then I thought, 'fair play, if you are going to write a public blog you have to accept some people don't like what you write' (which I still do by the way - it is fair game). Then I thought, 'fuck you again - I hate being spoken down too'. Then I dismantled this random emailer and did a full and through moral inventory on them. Then I doubted myself again and went into work.
My head was pretty noisy all day. It affected me. In my morning business meeting I could feel the 'King baby' welling up when they didn't agree with everything the great Nick was saying. This made me annoyed like a teenager having a strop. Plus I had doubts about my ability to do the job for the first time.
I went solely into level 1 listening/thinking and remained there for most of the day. Nobody could tell (I hope) But I did the meeting, did 3 other meetings, went about my day and carried out my duties. It is my job, not to make an emotional drama - but to get on with it. I did.
So here's the change bit. I didn't react. I sent an email that wasn't horrid or anything saying I was disappointed she felt the way she did but I didn't agree.
Other change? I got on with my job even though my head was giving me gip. I didn't get annoyed, lose my temper or say something I shouldn't. I suited up, booted up and showed up. I can improve my attitude tomorrow.
Then I ran the email through my close network of friends and family. Not the ones who will blow smoke up my arse and say what I needed to hear. They tell me the truth. If I've been a dick or in the wrong they'll tell me. True friends.
Their comments were, 'harsh, mental, angry, morally superior, they have a right to their opinion but it's not right. and 'if you spot it you've got it.'
The other thing they said is 'you should welcome it, clearly your writing has provoked a strong reaction in someone keep it up.' Also, 'they may have a point about the 'God looking after me thing'. Another said not to react and another said, 'what time is the football on' (helped me get a sense of perspective that there is bigger world news than this today'.
I went to a meeting, let my head settle, reflected on being a teenager in my mind at work and thought about how I wanted to write a long blog, mortally crushing this email, justifying my resentments and trying to come out tops. I decided upon reflection that's a total WASTE of time. What is the point?
There is no right or wrong. I know what I am. I know I'm an ego maniac. And as for being a narcissist. I'm writing a blog about me every day - does it get any more self absorbed than that? I know I care. I know I try to be real and I know I'm up for recovery, no matter how long it takes.
Having all those character traits pointed out in the email is like saying it's wet outside when it's raining. AND?!!
Anyway I wrestled long and hard what do to, so I thought the best thing is to post the mail (and of course keep the sender anonymous as it's not my right to post Private messages) and let you decide for yourself.
I write a public blog and people have the right to comment as they wish. I can't have it both ways can I? To bleat on about saying the truth and then getting upset when people share their truth with me. I guess I meant about people sharing their own truth about themselves not about what they think I am or am not.
I guess the change today is in this blog. I feel it is balanced, non abusive, considered. I have looked at my part, owned up to my own failings, expressed my feelings about it at the time and will now let you decide for yourself.
Despite my apparent arrogance I am like everyone else deep down. A sensitive soul. I like to be encouraged and when I am criticised I hurt. But that's life. If I live by the sword I have to die by it too.
All I ask is that if you do feel strongly please post it in the comments box below (I know it's a bit of a nightmare on BlogSpot) that way everyone can see and join the debate as I keep saying 'together we are stronger'.
Here goes; Dear Nick. I'm not sure if we've ever met? Anyway, I enjoyed following your blog until this evening when you chronicled your many close shaves with death and the fact you 'got lucky'. Or, to be more clear, you don't really believe you got lucky, you believe you were looked after and something was 'guiding you'. What about the driver of the vehicle who died when you were in your milk float? Was something guiding him? Like yourself, I had a close shave myself with death myself so I do feel I have a right to comment. For me to run around gloating I was 'looked after' and 'guided' seems not only narcissistic and misguided but disrespectful to the memory of the people who died and to their families. Does this make any sense? I write to you because your blog, I believe, was meant to be about the destruction of ego and it's amusing really because the whole 'pocket God' idea is really the ego run riot - it's a natural fit for the addict's narcissistic personality. Cheers
Together We Are stronger
Nicholas Evans
By nature an alcoholic personality is self obsessed, self centred and narcissistic. If you think on a larger scale. What does alcoholism/addiction do? It will stop at nothing to suck all the attention, all the sympathy, all the energy out of people in it's path. Ever been married or involved with one? Draining isn't it? Left unchecked alcoholism will run riot and hoover everything up. Including the one who has it. Others are merely casualties in it's path.
So if we multiply that on a sociological level. What effect does it have on society. It bleeds £billions every year on NHS, law, police, hospitals, courts, benefits. It's an epidemic. Like obesity. Left unchecked without recovery programmes it goes on and on and on.
That's why I'm a big supporter of recovery. For me, for the family, for systems, for society. I support any kind of recovery. Not perfect car-washed recovery fresh out of the production line. Not people claiming to know the secret. I love people who share their truth, their struggles with their head, their ego, their pain of change. I find that real, refreshing and engaging. Tell me YOUR experience and I will connect with mine. Don't tell me what Mine should be. Show me how and I will try and do it.
On many days I'm 'in it' without even realising I'm in my alcoholic head and acting swervy. Does that make sense? My alcoholic ego loves my defects of character. It loves my ego. It loves being locked in me. Sometimes like a pig in shit, Wallowing around in it like a messy bog. I'm drawn to that way of thinking/acting. That is my natural ego maniac state of alcoholism. That's why I go to meetings, attend AA, try my best - it's the only chance I have of getting out of it and creating a bit of distance between the alcoholic me and the 'normal' me.
But it's not a quick process. It's a long slow job and this blog is supposed to be an authentic and honest account of that. I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, have the answers or indeed make moral and arrogant judgments on other people. I am always my harshest critic and weirdly I am always the last to know when I'm acting 'in the disease'.
So, shall we talk about change? How am I changing? I'll give you an example today.
This morning I woke up to an email message from someone I don't know who reads this blog. It was in my opinion judgmental, arrogant, ego-tistical, morally snobbish and condescending. My initial thought was 'fuck you'. Then I did the whole 'oh god maybe they're right and started beating myself up'. Then I wanted to send a long clever reply putting them down and trying to win an intellectual and morally superior argument.
Then I thought, 'fair play, if you are going to write a public blog you have to accept some people don't like what you write' (which I still do by the way - it is fair game). Then I thought, 'fuck you again - I hate being spoken down too'. Then I dismantled this random emailer and did a full and through moral inventory on them. Then I doubted myself again and went into work.
My head was pretty noisy all day. It affected me. In my morning business meeting I could feel the 'King baby' welling up when they didn't agree with everything the great Nick was saying. This made me annoyed like a teenager having a strop. Plus I had doubts about my ability to do the job for the first time.
I went solely into level 1 listening/thinking and remained there for most of the day. Nobody could tell (I hope) But I did the meeting, did 3 other meetings, went about my day and carried out my duties. It is my job, not to make an emotional drama - but to get on with it. I did.
So here's the change bit. I didn't react. I sent an email that wasn't horrid or anything saying I was disappointed she felt the way she did but I didn't agree.
Other change? I got on with my job even though my head was giving me gip. I didn't get annoyed, lose my temper or say something I shouldn't. I suited up, booted up and showed up. I can improve my attitude tomorrow.
Then I ran the email through my close network of friends and family. Not the ones who will blow smoke up my arse and say what I needed to hear. They tell me the truth. If I've been a dick or in the wrong they'll tell me. True friends.
Their comments were, 'harsh, mental, angry, morally superior, they have a right to their opinion but it's not right. and 'if you spot it you've got it.'
The other thing they said is 'you should welcome it, clearly your writing has provoked a strong reaction in someone keep it up.' Also, 'they may have a point about the 'God looking after me thing'. Another said not to react and another said, 'what time is the football on' (helped me get a sense of perspective that there is bigger world news than this today'.
I went to a meeting, let my head settle, reflected on being a teenager in my mind at work and thought about how I wanted to write a long blog, mortally crushing this email, justifying my resentments and trying to come out tops. I decided upon reflection that's a total WASTE of time. What is the point?
There is no right or wrong. I know what I am. I know I'm an ego maniac. And as for being a narcissist. I'm writing a blog about me every day - does it get any more self absorbed than that? I know I care. I know I try to be real and I know I'm up for recovery, no matter how long it takes.
Having all those character traits pointed out in the email is like saying it's wet outside when it's raining. AND?!!
Anyway I wrestled long and hard what do to, so I thought the best thing is to post the mail (and of course keep the sender anonymous as it's not my right to post Private messages) and let you decide for yourself.
I write a public blog and people have the right to comment as they wish. I can't have it both ways can I? To bleat on about saying the truth and then getting upset when people share their truth with me. I guess I meant about people sharing their own truth about themselves not about what they think I am or am not.
I guess the change today is in this blog. I feel it is balanced, non abusive, considered. I have looked at my part, owned up to my own failings, expressed my feelings about it at the time and will now let you decide for yourself.
Despite my apparent arrogance I am like everyone else deep down. A sensitive soul. I like to be encouraged and when I am criticised I hurt. But that's life. If I live by the sword I have to die by it too.
All I ask is that if you do feel strongly please post it in the comments box below (I know it's a bit of a nightmare on BlogSpot) that way everyone can see and join the debate as I keep saying 'together we are stronger'.
Here goes; Dear Nick. I'm not sure if we've ever met? Anyway, I enjoyed following your blog until this evening when you chronicled your many close shaves with death and the fact you 'got lucky'. Or, to be more clear, you don't really believe you got lucky, you believe you were looked after and something was 'guiding you'. What about the driver of the vehicle who died when you were in your milk float? Was something guiding him? Like yourself, I had a close shave myself with death myself so I do feel I have a right to comment. For me to run around gloating I was 'looked after' and 'guided' seems not only narcissistic and misguided but disrespectful to the memory of the people who died and to their families. Does this make any sense? I write to you because your blog, I believe, was meant to be about the destruction of ego and it's amusing really because the whole 'pocket God' idea is really the ego run riot - it's a natural fit for the addict's narcissistic personality. Cheers
Together We Are stronger
Nicholas Evans
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Day 60 - Thank You Everyone...and a mucky ending
Thanks everyone. I realise tonight I'm lucky.
I'm lucky to be sober. I'm lucky I have a programme for living. I'm lucky I'm in AA. I'm lucky I have a top bird. I'm lucky I have loving family and friends. I'm lucky I live in UK and not Ukraine. I'm lucky to be healthy. I'm lucky to have a good job. I'm lucky to have a higher power (doubters will be sick at that point) I'm lucky to be here really.
I should have died at 8 years old when I cycled my BMX in front of a car. (I remember that night my parents took me to a friends house by the Thames in Maidenhead which was the former home of Diana Doors - top random useless fact). I was lucky
I should have died at 17 when I was driving a milk float and a car crashed head on into me at 60 MPH killing the driver and throwing me through the windscreen. I was lucky
I could have died or killed someone countless times when I drunk drove in my late teens. I was lucky.
I could have died several times in blackout when I had no idea what I was doing. I was lucky.
I was lucky to get sober at 28 and be saved from the 10-20 years of low bottom alcoholism.
I guess I feel thankful and lucky tonight. It doesn't happen much and is mostly fleeting but I'm a lucky boy.
With all those incidents and so many years of beating myself up, feeling low self esteem, trying to kill myself through harmful habits and ism's, it would be pretty ignorant and narrow minded not to believe in some kind of higher, spiritual power. Something is guiding me.
I know for a fact I didn't decide to make those close shaves go my way. It has to be a higher force.
I feel that tonight and I'm pretty fucking grateful for it.
My challenge is to not let my ego get in the way and fuck it all up. It will invariably make appearances and I will of course climb back into self will at times but just for today it's OK. Just for today I'm happy.
Yes I had a pang of financial fear today when I checked my ultra low bank balance. Yes I had a twinge of low self esteem when I had a meeting with a high roller. Yes I drank diet coke and smoked too many cigarettes today. But you know what, fuck it. It's all OK today.
I may wake up tomorrow and feel totally different. But lets leave that for tomorrow. I feel pretty vulnerable sharing like this sometimes for fear of jinxing it but all we have is now right and right now I'm OK. All the noise, (low self esteem, fear, worry and anxiety) is on low today - makes a nice change.
One thing I had to share though. It happened during a little humpy pumpy session with my GF last night. I had the Ipod set to 'sex list'. You know lots of grinding, slow beats building up to a crescendo of heavy rock, drum and bass and climactic music (cant believe I just wrote that sentence)
Anyway, we were well into proceedings, totally lost in the moment when the Ipod decided to turn to Shuffle and instead of euphoric music, the Personal Development Guru Anthony Robbins started speaking his '5 Steps to Success' audio book.
Now I'm not the biggest fan of motivational speakers (bit of a weird one seeing as I want to become one, one day) but to have this dude blabbing on about 'achieving your goal' and 'performing at your best' was rather off putting.
I thought I was performing at my best. Certainly the evidence underneath me seemed to show that. And if I'm honest I wasn't setting 5 points to achieving my goal. My goal was simple. I wanted to shoot my load.
I had to turn off the Guru and return back to Led Zeppelin. I am happy to report though to all you Anthony Robbins fans I did achieve my goal.
I wonder if Anthony has ever had anyone climaxing to one of his personal development speeches before (other than himself when practicing in the mirror) It was certainly a new one on me. You have to be ultra committed and focused to personal development to play it during nuptials. Not sure my girlfriend was impressed. Still I think she preferred it to my other choice, "Smack My Bitch Up". Not sure why though.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
I'm lucky to be sober. I'm lucky I have a programme for living. I'm lucky I'm in AA. I'm lucky I have a top bird. I'm lucky I have loving family and friends. I'm lucky I live in UK and not Ukraine. I'm lucky to be healthy. I'm lucky to have a good job. I'm lucky to have a higher power (doubters will be sick at that point) I'm lucky to be here really.
I should have died at 8 years old when I cycled my BMX in front of a car. (I remember that night my parents took me to a friends house by the Thames in Maidenhead which was the former home of Diana Doors - top random useless fact). I was lucky
I should have died at 17 when I was driving a milk float and a car crashed head on into me at 60 MPH killing the driver and throwing me through the windscreen. I was lucky
I could have died or killed someone countless times when I drunk drove in my late teens. I was lucky.
I could have died several times in blackout when I had no idea what I was doing. I was lucky.
I was lucky to get sober at 28 and be saved from the 10-20 years of low bottom alcoholism.
I guess I feel thankful and lucky tonight. It doesn't happen much and is mostly fleeting but I'm a lucky boy.
With all those incidents and so many years of beating myself up, feeling low self esteem, trying to kill myself through harmful habits and ism's, it would be pretty ignorant and narrow minded not to believe in some kind of higher, spiritual power. Something is guiding me.
I know for a fact I didn't decide to make those close shaves go my way. It has to be a higher force.
I feel that tonight and I'm pretty fucking grateful for it.
My challenge is to not let my ego get in the way and fuck it all up. It will invariably make appearances and I will of course climb back into self will at times but just for today it's OK. Just for today I'm happy.
Yes I had a pang of financial fear today when I checked my ultra low bank balance. Yes I had a twinge of low self esteem when I had a meeting with a high roller. Yes I drank diet coke and smoked too many cigarettes today. But you know what, fuck it. It's all OK today.
I may wake up tomorrow and feel totally different. But lets leave that for tomorrow. I feel pretty vulnerable sharing like this sometimes for fear of jinxing it but all we have is now right and right now I'm OK. All the noise, (low self esteem, fear, worry and anxiety) is on low today - makes a nice change.
One thing I had to share though. It happened during a little humpy pumpy session with my GF last night. I had the Ipod set to 'sex list'. You know lots of grinding, slow beats building up to a crescendo of heavy rock, drum and bass and climactic music (cant believe I just wrote that sentence)
Anyway, we were well into proceedings, totally lost in the moment when the Ipod decided to turn to Shuffle and instead of euphoric music, the Personal Development Guru Anthony Robbins started speaking his '5 Steps to Success' audio book.
Now I'm not the biggest fan of motivational speakers (bit of a weird one seeing as I want to become one, one day) but to have this dude blabbing on about 'achieving your goal' and 'performing at your best' was rather off putting.
I thought I was performing at my best. Certainly the evidence underneath me seemed to show that. And if I'm honest I wasn't setting 5 points to achieving my goal. My goal was simple. I wanted to shoot my load.
I had to turn off the Guru and return back to Led Zeppelin. I am happy to report though to all you Anthony Robbins fans I did achieve my goal.
I wonder if Anthony has ever had anyone climaxing to one of his personal development speeches before (other than himself when practicing in the mirror) It was certainly a new one on me. You have to be ultra committed and focused to personal development to play it during nuptials. Not sure my girlfriend was impressed. Still I think she preferred it to my other choice, "Smack My Bitch Up". Not sure why though.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Day 59 - Respect the disease
I have untold respect for alcoholism today. Those of you who read this will know that anyway. Yesterday's tragic news just reinforces it for me.
I cannot tell you the amount of people I have seen turn up at the doors of AA completely fucked, get a few days/weeks under their belts, start looking at inner child, therapy stuff then disappear for a while only to come back totally fucked again. I have seen people repeat this cycle so many times, it saddens me. Some never come back. Lost souls. God help them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking therapy, counselling, group therapy or inner child stuff. Far from it. Any kind of treatment I support whole heartedly.
It just frustrates me sometimes that alcoholism/addiction is not given the respect and credence I feel it deserves. It's little to do with drinking and everything to do with the alcoholic personality. It's a form of mental illness and until you find out exactly what it is and give yourself enough time to settle into sobriety, learn about how it manifests itself in you, wrapping itself around personality traits, how can you find out about other things that maybe wrong?
Some people are damaged. Some people need serious professional help. Real love, care and understanding. You cannot smash recovery into people. Unfortunately it's for people who want it not need it - otherwise there would hardly be any deaths from alcoholism or addiction.
People die of the disease every day. Some die from poisoning, overdosing or as a direct result of intoxication. Some die of organ failure, health issues, accidents. Some die by their own hands. Unable to take the mental torture. It's a sad, tragic, nasty, dirty illness. Just as depression or bi-polar is. My heart truly goes out to those who really suffer.
I am in no way placing myself alongside those who have it savagely. I have experience in my own family of people suffering from the dual alcoholism and bi-polar. It's savage and makes my heart bleed. What on earth can be done? It's such a horrible feeling being powerless. I am lucky I guess in the sense my disease didn't accelerate to the extent of other people's and I don't suffer from others. I really am fortunate. I know that.
What makes me sad too is the thousands of family members affected. Wives, husbands, mothers and fathers? Brothers and sisters, children left behind. The psychological and sociological damage is huge. The sad thing is it lasts for generations and is largely hidden.
Have you looked into the eyes of a mother who has lost her son? Have you seen the pain and sadness. It goes to the soul. Have you talked to a child growing up without a parent? It leaves an indelible mark that has to be lived with forever.
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses nor am I claiming it to be sadder or more tragic than other cases.
There are untold tragedies. Illnesses, abuse, abandonment, suffering. There is fuck loads of it and please do not think I am trying to claim all the sadness for addiction. I am not. I can only speak from personal experience and the pain I have seen and the ignorance shown. It's something very very close to my heart and when we lose a brother or sister in the fellowship it really fires me up, stirs the emotions and makes me redouble my respect for the disease and my empathy for those who suffer (the ones on the receiving end too)
Anyway sermon over, I just needed to get that off my chest. Mind you all of that could be immaterial if Russia invades Ukraine and World War 3 starts. Clock is ticking.........
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
I cannot tell you the amount of people I have seen turn up at the doors of AA completely fucked, get a few days/weeks under their belts, start looking at inner child, therapy stuff then disappear for a while only to come back totally fucked again. I have seen people repeat this cycle so many times, it saddens me. Some never come back. Lost souls. God help them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking therapy, counselling, group therapy or inner child stuff. Far from it. Any kind of treatment I support whole heartedly.
It just frustrates me sometimes that alcoholism/addiction is not given the respect and credence I feel it deserves. It's little to do with drinking and everything to do with the alcoholic personality. It's a form of mental illness and until you find out exactly what it is and give yourself enough time to settle into sobriety, learn about how it manifests itself in you, wrapping itself around personality traits, how can you find out about other things that maybe wrong?
Some people are damaged. Some people need serious professional help. Real love, care and understanding. You cannot smash recovery into people. Unfortunately it's for people who want it not need it - otherwise there would hardly be any deaths from alcoholism or addiction.
People die of the disease every day. Some die from poisoning, overdosing or as a direct result of intoxication. Some die of organ failure, health issues, accidents. Some die by their own hands. Unable to take the mental torture. It's a sad, tragic, nasty, dirty illness. Just as depression or bi-polar is. My heart truly goes out to those who really suffer.
I am in no way placing myself alongside those who have it savagely. I have experience in my own family of people suffering from the dual alcoholism and bi-polar. It's savage and makes my heart bleed. What on earth can be done? It's such a horrible feeling being powerless. I am lucky I guess in the sense my disease didn't accelerate to the extent of other people's and I don't suffer from others. I really am fortunate. I know that.
What makes me sad too is the thousands of family members affected. Wives, husbands, mothers and fathers? Brothers and sisters, children left behind. The psychological and sociological damage is huge. The sad thing is it lasts for generations and is largely hidden.
Have you looked into the eyes of a mother who has lost her son? Have you seen the pain and sadness. It goes to the soul. Have you talked to a child growing up without a parent? It leaves an indelible mark that has to be lived with forever.
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses nor am I claiming it to be sadder or more tragic than other cases.
There are untold tragedies. Illnesses, abuse, abandonment, suffering. There is fuck loads of it and please do not think I am trying to claim all the sadness for addiction. I am not. I can only speak from personal experience and the pain I have seen and the ignorance shown. It's something very very close to my heart and when we lose a brother or sister in the fellowship it really fires me up, stirs the emotions and makes me redouble my respect for the disease and my empathy for those who suffer (the ones on the receiving end too)
Anyway sermon over, I just needed to get that off my chest. Mind you all of that could be immaterial if Russia invades Ukraine and World War 3 starts. Clock is ticking.........
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Monday, March 3, 2014
Day 58 - Some awful news...
I found out some terribly sad news today.
A fellow member of AA, a guy whom I knew a little bit, hung himself last week. Tragic. Genuinely awful news.
I was going to write how powerful and terrible this disease of alcoholism/addiction is but somehow it seems inappropriate today. They would be empty words.
I know he had an estranged wife and little boy, parents, family and friends. My heart goes out to them tonight. My heart goes out to him. What pain and darkness you must be in to have such a violent death.
A tragic waste of a life. Another awful casualty of this disease.
RIP my friend. I pray for your soul and I consider myself just a little more fortunate that I'm not in that space. Many are. I wish I could reach out to those trapped in isolation and mental torture. It makes me sad and a little more respectful of the rapacious creditor. Addiction.
Don't suffer in silence if you are suffering. Reach out and share the truth no matter how painful, as Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas Evans
A fellow member of AA, a guy whom I knew a little bit, hung himself last week. Tragic. Genuinely awful news.
I was going to write how powerful and terrible this disease of alcoholism/addiction is but somehow it seems inappropriate today. They would be empty words.
I know he had an estranged wife and little boy, parents, family and friends. My heart goes out to them tonight. My heart goes out to him. What pain and darkness you must be in to have such a violent death.
A tragic waste of a life. Another awful casualty of this disease.
RIP my friend. I pray for your soul and I consider myself just a little more fortunate that I'm not in that space. Many are. I wish I could reach out to those trapped in isolation and mental torture. It makes me sad and a little more respectful of the rapacious creditor. Addiction.
Don't suffer in silence if you are suffering. Reach out and share the truth no matter how painful, as Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas Evans
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Day 57 - Why friends are So Important to happiness in life.
True friends stab you in the front.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html#yK6MxpUQu4DYRlaA.99
"A True Friend Stabs You In The Front"Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html#yK6MxpUQu4DYRlaA.99
Oscar Wilde
What's the secret to a happy life? There are so many things you can list. It's not as simple as one particular element and it will be different for every individual. Friendship must be pretty high on the list though.
There was a brilliant book a couple of years ago by a palliative care nurse who spent 20 years caring for the terminally ill. She wrote a book about her experiences, particularly what people close to death wished they would have done with their life.
It highlighted a fascinating insight into personal contentment and what we could do with our lives to make it happier. If only we could grasp some of those things now until it's too late.
The top 10 was;
1 - I wish I would have cared less what people thought of me
2 - I wish I would have been more true to myself
3 - I wish I would have worked less
4 - I wish I would have told people what I truly felt
5 - I wish I would have spent more time with those I love
6 - I wish I would have followed my passion in life
7 - I wish I would have lived more in the moment
8 - I wish I would have spent more time with friends
9 - I wish I would have taken better care of myself
10 - I wish I wouldn't have taken myself so seriously
All great subjects and worthy of a blog post themselves.
However on Saturday I was invited to some of my oldest friends for dinner, making me think of number 8 on the list. 'I wish I could have spent more time with friends.'
Firstly it's always good to know exactly what friend means - a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. So a friend is someone your fond of.
Good friends are worth their weight in gold. For a variety of reasons. Some help you emotionally. Some you can have a laugh with, some share similar experiences. Some are old friends, manufactured friends (if you have kids and need a network) some are recovery friends. All different kinds. Basically it's good to have friends. Sometimes they are closer than your family. They play an important role in our lives. Life is not complete without them.
But what I wanted to talk about today is old friends. The ones who know you the best. The ones who have seen it all. All the different phases. Shared experience. Shared humour. The sort of friends that you can not see for ages and then pick up again where you left off. The ones you can truly be yourselves too. I like those friends.
I'm very lucky. I have a great network of old friends from teenage years. Of course everyone has now grown up, got married and had kids (other than me), so I don't get to see them much, but underneath the responsibilities of being a 'grown up', they are still the same raging lunatics that attracted us to each other anyway.
There is no pomp, ego, niceties, or small talk. It is full on banter, fun and an opportunity to let go and have fun. That's what happened on Saturday night.
Some of my dearest old friends invited me and the missus (she'll hate me calling that - so 80's) over for dinner with a few others. Seeing as it was St Davids day she did a welsh themed dinner. They went to so much effort and served up a proper delicious feast.
Kids ran around everywhere. It is a joyful house. It was a pleasure to be there. It was fun. A chance to unwind. A chance to be totally offensive and laugh our heads off. It was top stuff.
Sometimes when you get into recovery you can become a little institutionalised and maroon yourself from real life. You can become slightly narrow minded about certain things and forget there is a whole load of people out there who have different views on things.
I may not agree with what some of my friends think but when you get off opinions and views and get into banter and fun then it doesn't matter. It's good to let rip sometimes. To feast. To share. To have fun.
We played a brilliant and highly offensive board game. No body was on there phones. Everyone was at the table for hours. Plenty of offensive banter was flying around and the hours just whizzed by. I loved it and it reminded me how much of a role friends play in our lives. I feel truly blessed.
Having said that, the host made a stunner of a desert, an enormous tiramsu which was placed right by my plate. Now I'm not usually one for such a desert but after tucking into a bowl. Holy fuck it was amazing.
Back again I went, again and again. Until I could take no more. I'd done about 1/3 of it. It was so nice that I swear to god if there was a choice of licking out my girlfriend or the bowl it would be a major decision.
I relented for around an hour, but you cannot place a bowl of fresh cream based desert right next to a compulsive over-eater. Within 10 minutes it was all gone. I was now half man half mascarpone. If I would have eaten any more I would have been mooing. Fuck me I was stuffed.
So we left around 2.30. Winching ourselves into the car. Waistcoat popping. Elasticated jeans straining. Fed, full and happy. A top night all round.
I'm a lucky boy to have friends, and especially lucky to have ones that are shit hot cooks. I'll book myself in for next Saturday too. And everyone until I die. Let's see how long it will take then for them to show me my friend P45.
I'll leave it to a great man to sum it up;
"Friendship is not something you learn in school. If you don't learnt the meaning of friendship you haven't really learnt anything in life."
Muhammad Ali
Today I learnt something
Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html#yK6MxpUQu4DYRlaA.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html#yK6MxpUQu4DYRlaA.99
Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html#yK6MxpUQu4DYRlaA.99
Together We Are StrongerRead more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_friendship.html#yK6MxpUQu4DYRlaA.99
Nicholas Evans
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