How many of you are good at regulating your behaviour? Do you at all? Do you check yourself? Reflect?
It's not something I've been very good. I've tended to react to things immediately and act in my feelings. I put it down to being Welsh. Passionate. Emotional. Or sometimes a twat.
In my drinking days it was easy to put it down to alcohol, being drunk or hung-over. But what about when you're sober and haven't drunk for 12 years? What can you put it down to there?
It's trial and error. A journey of change. For me, I have the benefit of a spiritual 12 step programme to help me gain self knowledge and understanding of my behaviour. That's a good thing but I can assure you there have and are many times in my sobriety when I act badly. Just because your sober and in a 12 step programme doesn't mean to say you become a monk and well overnight.
Years of sobriety don't guarantee you emotional sobriety. Many addicts/alcoholics in recovery still act weirdly and in the madness from time to time. I know I do and sobriety is a massive learning curve of change. It happens slowly over time and it only happens when it's ready to happen. In many stages. In many ways.
I'm not saying that in a puritanical or 'I'm above you', way. As if people who don't have 12 step programmes are somehow less than or in the dark. That is not the case, some people are blessed with tremendous self management and regulation. Fuck knows how but they do.
I wasn't. I have had to learn the hard way. Basically by fucking up loads of times and getting things wrong. Sometimes time and again. They say the only way to reach humility is by humiliation. Lord knows I've done that one many times. I still have much to learn and am certainly not the finished article. But I'm enjoying the process and journey. It is fascinating.
So to today. How did I self manage.
It's a very fine line between self management and stubbornness. After all I have met many people who simply will not ask for help, continually try to 'sort things' themselves and you can see there is a hurricane going on behind their eyes. That generally brings unhappiness.
Then there are the people who refuse to take responsibility and take charge of their own destiny and will ring a sponsor or adviser to make a decision for them. Again that is unhealthy and smacks of co-dependence.
Me? I'm trying to find the balance. Not something that comes easy to a lunatic alcoholic.
So what was it that made me uncomfortable about myself today? it's nothing major. Almost mundane. But it made me wince slightly at my behaviour.
I thought about my day at work. I did well. I was present. In level 3 thinking for most of the day, was 'up' and interested. On the way home I reflected. I realise I put a colleague down to someone else today. I did it very subtly and not in a malicious way, but I overplayed my role in a meeting and underplayed his. Why? Because I see him as a threat.
The clouds didn't part. I didn't character assassinate and the day passed smoothly. But on the way home I thought back to what I said to two people and it didn't sit right with me. This is new to me. It's called a conscience I believe. I've been used to lying every time I open my mouth. The only way I have been able to get away with it in my soul is because I know I have a good heart.
Trouble is I've been an arrogant lying bastard at some points in my life and this was an ever so subtle manifestation of that kind of thinking/behaviour.
Now I'm not being all holier than thou here. Or beating myself up for a slight error. But it's a good example of developing a strong inner moral compass. I didn't need to do it. It serves no purpose. All I need to do is concentrate on my behaviour and performance and the rest will take care of itself. I don't need to be involved in manipulating someone Else's performance.
I hate office politics, back stabbing and gossip. I have always stayed away from that. So on the way home, as I ducked under yet another smelly armpit on the packed tube I told myself, 'Don't ever put him down again. Leave things be and concentrate on myself."
Let's see if I can heed my own advice.
PS - sometimes this blog sounds like I'm really well and coming up with all the answers. I'm not. I just thought I'd highlight something that was triggered in me today. I still smoked loads of fags, drank 2 diet cokes and tutted at a tiny woman who was in my way at Waterloo. When she turned round I could see she was wearing a hearing aid and mostly deaf. The tut literally did fall on deaf ears. Told you I still have lots to learn
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Day 41 - FLOOD!
So the country appears to be flooding.
Now we have an excuse to talk endlessly about the weather. It is a national obsession. Every front page is dedicated to it. Sky is doing rolling 24 hour coverage of it. Social media is crammed full of it. Stop press the UK is Flooding!!!
You know it must be serious when Cameron starts making moral boosting visits to flood areas. Notice how he waits until the media is at it's peak before making an appearance. Making sure to look all serious, concerned to boost the 'man of the people' image. PR Cunt.
What a joke. He's about as morale boosting as a dose of Chlamydia. Imagine having your home flooded, turds everywhere, no hot water or electricity for days. No help, no information, Nothing. Then all of a sudden the Prime Minister turns up with a hoard of media, looking 'faux' concerned as if he gives a shit. If he really wants to help he could shift a few fucking sandbags the pompous twat. I'm pretty sure he'd be as welcome as Amanda Knox at a swinging party. Fuck off Cameron and leave it to the WI.
The Environment Agency are useless too. Issuing flood warnings on a regular basis after the rivers have flooded. Genius. That's what millions of tax payer money is spent on. Basically they're all sitting in their office eating donuts watching Sky News to see what's flooded before issuing a 'Flood warning', then calling the army to say, "Can you get us out of the shit boys we've fucked up."
It's been raining for fucking months. Surely they could forecast the rivers, water levels, drains getting too full to cope and flooding weeks ago. They seem to be about as accurate as a darts player with no arms. Rubbish.
The media are fucking loving it though aren't they? They love it when there is a huge problem. Sending their reporters in with Barbour jacket and wellies to film people canoeing around their village or abandoning their stranded cars. The bastards get a sick pleasure to see struggle. Makes for great tellie see. After all they have ratings to win. So the more they can poke their noses into people's misery the better.
Water is a vastly underrated power. When you get up close to the swollen Thames you can see the power of the current. It is relentless and there's very little that can be done. It is awesome and incredible to witness. Though if your house is under 8 foot of water I would doubt you would be marvelling at natural elements in such a way.
Is it only me though, that sometimes thinks, "You live by a river. What do you expect?" It's a little like moving next to a pub and then complaining of pissed people at 11pm. Perhaps that's a bit harsh.
Lets face it if you do buy a gaff by the Thames then you've probably got enough dosh to sort it once the flooding has gone down. If, of course, you have a home left.
I know, that's a sweeping generalisation and a tad too cynical but come on, how many vehicles have you seen abandoned in the floods that aren't a Mercedes, BMW or Audi coupe? It's a middle class disaster. Still, at least the wellies will actually come in handy.
That's probably why Cameron rocked up. He heard his second and third home were under threat. Side parton cunt.
Whilst it is awful and you feel for the poor sods who have had to abandon their homes it's not exactly life threatening is it? What about the floods in Bangladesh that killed thousands? I think that got 4 minutes coverage on the news a couple of years ago.
And what about the Japanese who lived through the Tsunami 4 years ago killing 40,000. They must be looking at the wall to wall coverage of the floods and think, "Pussies. Man up".
Having said all that if I was the one affected I wouldn't be taking such a cynical view. After all we are all in this together, so thoughts go out to all those Audi Coupe owners out there who have sadly lost their cars. My thoughts are with you.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Now we have an excuse to talk endlessly about the weather. It is a national obsession. Every front page is dedicated to it. Sky is doing rolling 24 hour coverage of it. Social media is crammed full of it. Stop press the UK is Flooding!!!
You know it must be serious when Cameron starts making moral boosting visits to flood areas. Notice how he waits until the media is at it's peak before making an appearance. Making sure to look all serious, concerned to boost the 'man of the people' image. PR Cunt.
What a joke. He's about as morale boosting as a dose of Chlamydia. Imagine having your home flooded, turds everywhere, no hot water or electricity for days. No help, no information, Nothing. Then all of a sudden the Prime Minister turns up with a hoard of media, looking 'faux' concerned as if he gives a shit. If he really wants to help he could shift a few fucking sandbags the pompous twat. I'm pretty sure he'd be as welcome as Amanda Knox at a swinging party. Fuck off Cameron and leave it to the WI.
The Environment Agency are useless too. Issuing flood warnings on a regular basis after the rivers have flooded. Genius. That's what millions of tax payer money is spent on. Basically they're all sitting in their office eating donuts watching Sky News to see what's flooded before issuing a 'Flood warning', then calling the army to say, "Can you get us out of the shit boys we've fucked up."
It's been raining for fucking months. Surely they could forecast the rivers, water levels, drains getting too full to cope and flooding weeks ago. They seem to be about as accurate as a darts player with no arms. Rubbish.
The media are fucking loving it though aren't they? They love it when there is a huge problem. Sending their reporters in with Barbour jacket and wellies to film people canoeing around their village or abandoning their stranded cars. The bastards get a sick pleasure to see struggle. Makes for great tellie see. After all they have ratings to win. So the more they can poke their noses into people's misery the better.
Water is a vastly underrated power. When you get up close to the swollen Thames you can see the power of the current. It is relentless and there's very little that can be done. It is awesome and incredible to witness. Though if your house is under 8 foot of water I would doubt you would be marvelling at natural elements in such a way.
Is it only me though, that sometimes thinks, "You live by a river. What do you expect?" It's a little like moving next to a pub and then complaining of pissed people at 11pm. Perhaps that's a bit harsh.
Lets face it if you do buy a gaff by the Thames then you've probably got enough dosh to sort it once the flooding has gone down. If, of course, you have a home left.
I know, that's a sweeping generalisation and a tad too cynical but come on, how many vehicles have you seen abandoned in the floods that aren't a Mercedes, BMW or Audi coupe? It's a middle class disaster. Still, at least the wellies will actually come in handy.
That's probably why Cameron rocked up. He heard his second and third home were under threat. Side parton cunt.
Whilst it is awful and you feel for the poor sods who have had to abandon their homes it's not exactly life threatening is it? What about the floods in Bangladesh that killed thousands? I think that got 4 minutes coverage on the news a couple of years ago.
And what about the Japanese who lived through the Tsunami 4 years ago killing 40,000. They must be looking at the wall to wall coverage of the floods and think, "Pussies. Man up".
Having said all that if I was the one affected I wouldn't be taking such a cynical view. After all we are all in this together, so thoughts go out to all those Audi Coupe owners out there who have sadly lost their cars. My thoughts are with you.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Monday, February 10, 2014
Day 40 - It's Easy to let up on Spiritual Actions
Over the past few days I have been writing lots about addiction/alcoholism/relapse and commentating on Philip Seymour Hoffman's death. I've enjoyed it and had some great feedback. However I have neglected to write about my daily journey.
After all, this blog was intended to be a daily musing of my journey to try and change certain harmful habits and behaviours.
I have been in full commentator 'guru' mode for the past few days. Offering commentary on situations, people and the disease like I have all the answers and am some kind of expert. I'm not. I realise that today. Sometimes my ego creeps up and runs away with me and I don't even know I'm doing it.
There's nothing worse than someone moralising on recovery when they are neglecting their own. So - where is my own?
I'm usually a '5 meetings a week man'. I like to hear the solution/identification to my spiritual and mental malady. It makes me feel better, lighter and like a reasonably normal human being. The 'commitee' in the head tends to quieten down and life is so much more fun.
Of course even doing all that sometimes I'm still a head-case, but in a good way. The habits and behavioural patterns are still a bit wonky but manageably so.
However in the past 10 days I've not done many meetings and I haven't been plugging in that much. Starting a new full on job has meant my focus and time has been on that. Trying to cram in a meeting here and there, do a little exercise, write the blog and spend time with my woman has meant my recovery has slipped.
Last week was a full week commuting in a new job. I did well. I enjoyed it and really put the time in. But all I did was 1 meeting.
So, this is what I'm like on 1 meeting. When I take my own will back and act on instinct.
Friday night. Leave work blow £300 on clothes for work in 20 Min's. Justify I need them for work and I deserve it because I've worked all week. Text my girlfriend some home truths about herself and justify it because I've worked all week
Leave my home meeting on Friday night early to go out and act a little crazy until 4am with my girlfriend and justify it because I've worked all week. Forget my evening meditation and justify it because I've been busy, I've worked all week.
Get up late on Saturday and do half arse exercise. Justify it because did I tell you, I've worked all week. Make a guest appearance at a meeting on Saturday night. More of a box ticking exercise as I feel obliged but not mentally connect with it and justify it because apparently I've worked all week. Then act a little crazy again until late with girlfriend, eat shit and miss my evening meditation and go to bed late but justify it because as I said before, I've worked all week.
Get up late miss my meeting on Sunday morning (and gym/yoga) to write my blog but justify it because, yes you guessed it, I've worked all week. Go out for a great Sunday lunch, have a great time, come home and eat my own body weight in cake and ice cream on Sunday night, miss my evening meditation again and guzzle lots of diet coke and smoke lots of fags. Think to myself. Fuck. I've got to work all week. Spend 1 hour not justifying what I've done all weekend.
The result? I felt like shit this morning. It reminded me of all those working Monday's I would write off with a hangover from binge drinking at the weekend. I didn't like it. It's not exactly self care is it? Not much in the way of looking after myself. Old habits clearly die hard.
It affected my mood, my thoughts, my fear levels, my enthusiasm and the committee were in residence. It was only by getting to a meeting tonight, listening to a great chair (main speaker), hearing some simple spiritual actions, opening my mouth, telling the truth and connecting with the group did I think, "oh yeah that's what I need to do." And that's 12 years in recovery!!!
So what I'm saying is we are never cured. We merely have a daily reprieve based upon maintenance of my spiritual condition. I wasn't being too spiritual at 4am I can tell you!
It's OK of course. I'm not giving myself a hard time, nor am I catastrophising something into a bigger deal than it actually is.
It is very interesting though that I can easily put down these spiritual tools and act in old ways without realising it. I wonder if I did that unchecked without any meetings or a spiritual programme how long it would take me to go proper off the rails? That's not an experiment I'm keen to do, so it was good to be reminded tonight of what I am and what I need to do on a daily basis to be 'back on track'.
As it says, 'self knowledge availed us noting'. I learnt a valuable lesson in how true that is this weekend and it's great to be able to put some perspective on it. It's also great to be human and have a blast now and again without any real damage. We are not saints after all. Even though I feel like shit today I had a truck load of fun.
I just need to get out of my own way sometimes and keep it simple. Don't drink, go to meetings, plug in, share the truth, develop a spiritual connection and try not to eat Sainsbury's out of Rocky Road Ice Cream. That shit is like Crack cocaine.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
After all, this blog was intended to be a daily musing of my journey to try and change certain harmful habits and behaviours.
I have been in full commentator 'guru' mode for the past few days. Offering commentary on situations, people and the disease like I have all the answers and am some kind of expert. I'm not. I realise that today. Sometimes my ego creeps up and runs away with me and I don't even know I'm doing it.
There's nothing worse than someone moralising on recovery when they are neglecting their own. So - where is my own?
I'm usually a '5 meetings a week man'. I like to hear the solution/identification to my spiritual and mental malady. It makes me feel better, lighter and like a reasonably normal human being. The 'commitee' in the head tends to quieten down and life is so much more fun.
Of course even doing all that sometimes I'm still a head-case, but in a good way. The habits and behavioural patterns are still a bit wonky but manageably so.
However in the past 10 days I've not done many meetings and I haven't been plugging in that much. Starting a new full on job has meant my focus and time has been on that. Trying to cram in a meeting here and there, do a little exercise, write the blog and spend time with my woman has meant my recovery has slipped.
Last week was a full week commuting in a new job. I did well. I enjoyed it and really put the time in. But all I did was 1 meeting.
So, this is what I'm like on 1 meeting. When I take my own will back and act on instinct.
Friday night. Leave work blow £300 on clothes for work in 20 Min's. Justify I need them for work and I deserve it because I've worked all week. Text my girlfriend some home truths about herself and justify it because I've worked all week
Leave my home meeting on Friday night early to go out and act a little crazy until 4am with my girlfriend and justify it because I've worked all week. Forget my evening meditation and justify it because I've been busy, I've worked all week.
Get up late on Saturday and do half arse exercise. Justify it because did I tell you, I've worked all week. Make a guest appearance at a meeting on Saturday night. More of a box ticking exercise as I feel obliged but not mentally connect with it and justify it because apparently I've worked all week. Then act a little crazy again until late with girlfriend, eat shit and miss my evening meditation and go to bed late but justify it because as I said before, I've worked all week.
Get up late miss my meeting on Sunday morning (and gym/yoga) to write my blog but justify it because, yes you guessed it, I've worked all week. Go out for a great Sunday lunch, have a great time, come home and eat my own body weight in cake and ice cream on Sunday night, miss my evening meditation again and guzzle lots of diet coke and smoke lots of fags. Think to myself. Fuck. I've got to work all week. Spend 1 hour not justifying what I've done all weekend.
The result? I felt like shit this morning. It reminded me of all those working Monday's I would write off with a hangover from binge drinking at the weekend. I didn't like it. It's not exactly self care is it? Not much in the way of looking after myself. Old habits clearly die hard.
It affected my mood, my thoughts, my fear levels, my enthusiasm and the committee were in residence. It was only by getting to a meeting tonight, listening to a great chair (main speaker), hearing some simple spiritual actions, opening my mouth, telling the truth and connecting with the group did I think, "oh yeah that's what I need to do." And that's 12 years in recovery!!!
So what I'm saying is we are never cured. We merely have a daily reprieve based upon maintenance of my spiritual condition. I wasn't being too spiritual at 4am I can tell you!
It's OK of course. I'm not giving myself a hard time, nor am I catastrophising something into a bigger deal than it actually is.
It is very interesting though that I can easily put down these spiritual tools and act in old ways without realising it. I wonder if I did that unchecked without any meetings or a spiritual programme how long it would take me to go proper off the rails? That's not an experiment I'm keen to do, so it was good to be reminded tonight of what I am and what I need to do on a daily basis to be 'back on track'.
As it says, 'self knowledge availed us noting'. I learnt a valuable lesson in how true that is this weekend and it's great to be able to put some perspective on it. It's also great to be human and have a blast now and again without any real damage. We are not saints after all. Even though I feel like shit today I had a truck load of fun.
I just need to get out of my own way sometimes and keep it simple. Don't drink, go to meetings, plug in, share the truth, develop a spiritual connection and try not to eat Sainsbury's out of Rocky Road Ice Cream. That shit is like Crack cocaine.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Day 39 - Is Being sober and not going out dull?
If you would have said to me at 18 years old. "When you're 41 Nicholas, on a Saturday night, you will be sitting indoors, with your woman, sober, drinking tea, eating Jammie dodgers, watching TV and enjoying it." I would have replied, "Kill me now. What a boring bastard"
When you're 18 all you want to do is party. Saturday nights are mandatory to go out on the lash. And Friday, and any other night of the week come to think of it. The thought of not drinking, being sober was death by boredom.
So it begs the question is being sober boring? Does not going out make you dull?
I had an almost pathological need to go out. Inside was a great fear that I was boring if I didn't go out. Staying in confirmed it. I always thought I was missing out. Always needing to find the best bar, the best party. I needed to be in the mix.
I always aspired to the 'groovy gang' in pubs, clubs and bars. Always thinking if I fell in with a cool crowd it would sort my life out. Trouble is I always ended up in the Tooting Broadway Snooker Club. The coolest thing about that place was a 24 hour bar. Come to think of it the khazi was pretty chilly too.
I still pursued this illusion that if I went to all the right bars, pubs and clubs. If I drank. If I got off my face, It would mean I had an exciting life. It would mean I wasn't boring. It would mask all the problems inside right? Wrong!
Pursuing that is a waste of time. If you go to certain places or hang out with certain people it doesn't stop you being dull if you're dull. 'Going out' isn't a badge of honour to be interesting. It just means you go to more expensive places, spend more money on more expensive drinks and meet other superficial people who are equally as concerned as being seen in all the right places wearing all the right clothes to maintain the image of coolness and excitement. It's generally an illusion.
If you're dull you're dull. If your boring, you're boring. No matter if your at home or in the Sky bar at the Hilton Park Lane. It's inside what, not where you go, what you wear or what you do. It took me a long time to understand that.
I'm not tarring everyone with that brush. Millions of people go out. Going out, socially drinking and taking drugs is fun. For people without addiction problems it's normal and I encourage it. It's a release from normal life. It's good to have fun!!!
I'm just highlighting the people (and I include myself in this) who did it to mask and cover up internal feelings of low self esteem and the fear of being boring. Being unhappy. That's when it becomes a sham. I hate superficiality. Drives me insane.
By end of my drinking I felt far more comfortable in proper old fashioned male drinking arenas called 'the traditional pub'. Otherwise known as shit holes. These were theme bars for alcoholism. No juke box, no food, no entertainment, no soft furnishings, posh nuts or quiz night. Just men drinking on their own in silence. Miserable and alone. Perfect!
In early sobriety, weekend's were awful. The hours on Friday and Saturday night's felt like weeks, Passing slowly and painfully. It felt like the world had ended. It was officially the end of fun as I knew it. No more drinking. No more blackouts, arrests, hospitalisations, scars, arguments, hangovers and all the other great stuff I would enjoy about my drinking. No more adventure!
Your mind would say, "everyone in the world is out having fun, except for me." It was Painful.
"I'm going to have to sit around in draughty church halls on a Friday and Saturday night forever. My life is over", was the common thought in my early days of AA. "I will NEVER go out again."
Old attitudes died hard. I still felt the compulsion to go out. The urge to drink, go out and cause mayhem was intense. But by going to meetings continually, sharing I hated them and felt lonely and that my life was over, whilst the old timers smirked knowingly at the back, helped to let those feelings go.
I would walk back from meetings at 11pm and see the full truth of what a Friday or Saturday Night looked like when on the piss.
Pissed People looked like zombies, fights, shouting at each other, puking up, pissing in doorways, fat couples snogging. Carnage. You look at any town centre at the weekend and it's all the same. I wasn't missing out. If you go to posh places it's exactly the same, except it's people with bigger sofas.
I distinctly remember the turning point. Where I thought it's OK not to go out. It was Friday night. I was 18 months sober. I was in Homebase and walking around looking for a lamp. It was 9pm. The music on the tannoy was playing Roy Orbison's 'I drove all night'. I found myself humming along, looking at lamps on a Friday night in Homebase, sober. I laughed, thought, 'It's OK not to go out and be sober', smiled at the insanity and felt good. It's OK to be sober.
Another turning point was snogging a world famous female at her house late one Friday night after a meeting. I thought to myself, 'this never happened In Tooting Broadway Snooker Club when I was drinking." Sobriety is not dull.
The thing I like about sobriety is that by nature I am a raging alcoholic lunatic on the inside. Now that I am 12 years sober Most people know me as a reasonably sensible sober man. I don't get arrested, lose phones, end up in fights, abuse people, get beaten up. I don't go to loads of bars, pubs and clubs. I don't drink or use drugs. I am the sort of person I would have classified as 'boring' when I was 18.
But that's what I love about sober alcoholics. Because underneath I am a nutcase. Sometimes it's a little frustrating when you go out and people ask you if you drink, you say 'no' and you can see them lose interest in you immediately. Classifying you as 'boring'.
There is a difference between tea-totallers and recovering alcoholics. The general attitude to people who don't drink is 'don't trust them'! Puritanical! Do gooders! Morally superior! Boring! If only they know. Christ a few hours with me drinking and those people would be thinking, 'fuck me he needs to go to AA'.
The bottom line is sobriety is not dull. People are dull. I used drink and drug because I thought I was dull. I thought it made me less dull. Make sense? I've found out in sobriety I am not dull. I've been though everything you can imagine to try and prove to myself I'm not dull. From chasing women, swinging, sex, fetish, marathons, endurance sports, water sports (wink wink)
Now I've come to the realisation It's not what you do that makes your life exciting it's YOU that makes your life exciting. Whether you go out or not. It's Inside what counts.
Yes of course I get lazy and can't be arsed to go out. Sometimes I'm not very sociable and need to force myself to get out there and have fun. But now I know I can do it for the right reasons and I don't need a badge of honour or VIP access to a club to boost my ego.
How attitudes change. That's why sitting down last night with a Jammie Dodger and cup of tea watching TV, sober on a Saturday night was OK. I enjoyed it. Mind you it helped having wild sexy time with my girlfriend earlier in the evening. That always helps a Saturday night go so much better and makes the Jammie Dodger taste all the more better. (Too much information and she'll bloody kill me for sharing it with you)
Sober is Not Dull!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
How attitudes change. I enjoyed it. I mean who wouldn't enjoy a Jammie Dodger and cup of tea?
When you're 18 all you want to do is party. Saturday nights are mandatory to go out on the lash. And Friday, and any other night of the week come to think of it. The thought of not drinking, being sober was death by boredom.
So it begs the question is being sober boring? Does not going out make you dull?
I had an almost pathological need to go out. Inside was a great fear that I was boring if I didn't go out. Staying in confirmed it. I always thought I was missing out. Always needing to find the best bar, the best party. I needed to be in the mix.
I always aspired to the 'groovy gang' in pubs, clubs and bars. Always thinking if I fell in with a cool crowd it would sort my life out. Trouble is I always ended up in the Tooting Broadway Snooker Club. The coolest thing about that place was a 24 hour bar. Come to think of it the khazi was pretty chilly too.
I still pursued this illusion that if I went to all the right bars, pubs and clubs. If I drank. If I got off my face, It would mean I had an exciting life. It would mean I wasn't boring. It would mask all the problems inside right? Wrong!
Pursuing that is a waste of time. If you go to certain places or hang out with certain people it doesn't stop you being dull if you're dull. 'Going out' isn't a badge of honour to be interesting. It just means you go to more expensive places, spend more money on more expensive drinks and meet other superficial people who are equally as concerned as being seen in all the right places wearing all the right clothes to maintain the image of coolness and excitement. It's generally an illusion.
If you're dull you're dull. If your boring, you're boring. No matter if your at home or in the Sky bar at the Hilton Park Lane. It's inside what, not where you go, what you wear or what you do. It took me a long time to understand that.
I'm not tarring everyone with that brush. Millions of people go out. Going out, socially drinking and taking drugs is fun. For people without addiction problems it's normal and I encourage it. It's a release from normal life. It's good to have fun!!!
I'm just highlighting the people (and I include myself in this) who did it to mask and cover up internal feelings of low self esteem and the fear of being boring. Being unhappy. That's when it becomes a sham. I hate superficiality. Drives me insane.
By end of my drinking I felt far more comfortable in proper old fashioned male drinking arenas called 'the traditional pub'. Otherwise known as shit holes. These were theme bars for alcoholism. No juke box, no food, no entertainment, no soft furnishings, posh nuts or quiz night. Just men drinking on their own in silence. Miserable and alone. Perfect!
In early sobriety, weekend's were awful. The hours on Friday and Saturday night's felt like weeks, Passing slowly and painfully. It felt like the world had ended. It was officially the end of fun as I knew it. No more drinking. No more blackouts, arrests, hospitalisations, scars, arguments, hangovers and all the other great stuff I would enjoy about my drinking. No more adventure!
Your mind would say, "everyone in the world is out having fun, except for me." It was Painful.
"I'm going to have to sit around in draughty church halls on a Friday and Saturday night forever. My life is over", was the common thought in my early days of AA. "I will NEVER go out again."
Old attitudes died hard. I still felt the compulsion to go out. The urge to drink, go out and cause mayhem was intense. But by going to meetings continually, sharing I hated them and felt lonely and that my life was over, whilst the old timers smirked knowingly at the back, helped to let those feelings go.
I would walk back from meetings at 11pm and see the full truth of what a Friday or Saturday Night looked like when on the piss.
Pissed People looked like zombies, fights, shouting at each other, puking up, pissing in doorways, fat couples snogging. Carnage. You look at any town centre at the weekend and it's all the same. I wasn't missing out. If you go to posh places it's exactly the same, except it's people with bigger sofas.
I distinctly remember the turning point. Where I thought it's OK not to go out. It was Friday night. I was 18 months sober. I was in Homebase and walking around looking for a lamp. It was 9pm. The music on the tannoy was playing Roy Orbison's 'I drove all night'. I found myself humming along, looking at lamps on a Friday night in Homebase, sober. I laughed, thought, 'It's OK not to go out and be sober', smiled at the insanity and felt good. It's OK to be sober.
Another turning point was snogging a world famous female at her house late one Friday night after a meeting. I thought to myself, 'this never happened In Tooting Broadway Snooker Club when I was drinking." Sobriety is not dull.
The thing I like about sobriety is that by nature I am a raging alcoholic lunatic on the inside. Now that I am 12 years sober Most people know me as a reasonably sensible sober man. I don't get arrested, lose phones, end up in fights, abuse people, get beaten up. I don't go to loads of bars, pubs and clubs. I don't drink or use drugs. I am the sort of person I would have classified as 'boring' when I was 18.
But that's what I love about sober alcoholics. Because underneath I am a nutcase. Sometimes it's a little frustrating when you go out and people ask you if you drink, you say 'no' and you can see them lose interest in you immediately. Classifying you as 'boring'.
There is a difference between tea-totallers and recovering alcoholics. The general attitude to people who don't drink is 'don't trust them'! Puritanical! Do gooders! Morally superior! Boring! If only they know. Christ a few hours with me drinking and those people would be thinking, 'fuck me he needs to go to AA'.
The bottom line is sobriety is not dull. People are dull. I used drink and drug because I thought I was dull. I thought it made me less dull. Make sense? I've found out in sobriety I am not dull. I've been though everything you can imagine to try and prove to myself I'm not dull. From chasing women, swinging, sex, fetish, marathons, endurance sports, water sports (wink wink)
Now I've come to the realisation It's not what you do that makes your life exciting it's YOU that makes your life exciting. Whether you go out or not. It's Inside what counts.
Yes of course I get lazy and can't be arsed to go out. Sometimes I'm not very sociable and need to force myself to get out there and have fun. But now I know I can do it for the right reasons and I don't need a badge of honour or VIP access to a club to boost my ego.
How attitudes change. That's why sitting down last night with a Jammie Dodger and cup of tea watching TV, sober on a Saturday night was OK. I enjoyed it. Mind you it helped having wild sexy time with my girlfriend earlier in the evening. That always helps a Saturday night go so much better and makes the Jammie Dodger taste all the more better. (Too much information and she'll bloody kill me for sharing it with you)
Sober is Not Dull!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
How attitudes change. I enjoyed it. I mean who wouldn't enjoy a Jammie Dodger and cup of tea?
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Day 38 - The funeral of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Relapse
Yesterday was Philip Seymour Hoffman's funeral which triggered a few things in my mind.
Firstly, the media's reporting of the funeral. Most reports listed the famous Hollywood stars in attendance. His ex partner and children were shunted down to fourth paragraph of importance. His parents, family and other friends weren't even mentioned. This kind of reporting frustrates me. I know it is the norm but the 'celebrity' obsession culture borders on the obscene sometimes.
It has sparked a number of interesting pieces though. No more so than Russell Brand's in Friday's Guardian. Essentially blaming the archaic drug laws for the death.....I suggest you take a read. He makes some valid points.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/06/russell-brand-philip-seymour-hoffman-drug-laws
Secondly, and on a similar topic I notice that 4 people have been arrested for supplying the actor with the drugs that he OD'd on. Do we really think that's solving the problem? Arresting people who are addicts themselves for supplying another addict. It's Crazy. Not exactly addressing the heart of the problem is it?
Heroin is a drug just like alcohol. Except Alcohol is a socially and morally acceptable legal drug. But arresting Heroin dealers is no different to arresting a landlord for supplying alcohol. It's insane. Why criminalise one drug and not another? If it was criminalised then the quality would be regulated, proper treatment programmes could be installed and it would save authorities around £500 billion a year on prisons, hospitals, courts.
I won't go on as The Brand covered most of it in his article but surely we have to shift our mind set on this. Why is it considered morally wrong to supply Heroin and not alcohol? Why legalise one drug and not another? Why demonise drugs as wrong and 'we must save our kids from them', whilst taking more anti-depressants, pain killers, prescribed medication and drinking more than ever before. That's insanity and hypocrisy on a global level.
If we really want to be open and true about it. How many drugs will you be using today? Painkiller because you're hungover? Smoking some cigarettes? Going out for lunch or dinner with a nice bottle of wine? A few beers tonight. A couple of cheeky lines at a party? Is there any real difference other than what society terms to be legal and non legal. Think about it. We are on dangerously thin moral ground when we trade one drug off against another because the system tells us too.
Thirdly it has made the concept of relapse buzz around my head. According to reports Hoffman was 23 years sober and clean from drugs and alcohol before suffering a 'relapse' last May. To most people who do not suffer with alcohol/drug problems or know little (or want to know little) about the 'disease'. The concept of drinking or using drugs being termed a relapse must be peculiar.
Lets take a look at what it means;
A relapse or recidivism is a recurrence of a past (typically medical) condition. Relapse, in relation to drug misuse, is resuming the use of a drug or a chemical substance after one or more periods of abstinence.
Essentially, old timers prefer the normal human language of 'started drinking or taking drugs again. Some prefer to call it 'using'. Others 'relapse'. Whatever floats your boat I guess. But in simple terms if you believe in the concept of drink or drug addiction as a disease and not a choice, then relapse can happen at any time.
I suppose most people will ask why? Why when someone has it so good would they go back to the very thing that caused them to want to stop in the first place. It makes no sense right?
I have been sober for 12 years and still require daily help to not go back to drink or drugs because I have a disease within me that means my brain functions in different ways to most 'normal' people. I am wired up differently. Not in a better or superior or inferior way. Just different. I don't have an 'stop' button when I ingest things I like.
Most recreational drinkers or drug takers do it because it's fun. We like the feeling right? Well what happens when you like the feeling so much. You want more and more and more? That's addiction right there. There is no control over taking it. That's the physical side of it. The phenomenon of craving. You must have that drink, or drug, or food, or sex, or woman or coat. And the brain will not rest until you have sated the craving. For 5 or 110 or 1000 minutes until it comes back again and again. That is the cycle of addiction.
Then you add the mental side. Your brain, personality, thoughts are wired up to max out on self pity, grandiosity, fear, worry, anger, self obsession. All normal human traits but addicts have them in bundles which makes living life, 'with your head' difficult. Hence using drink or drugs or whatever as a means of controlling them. A vicious circle because all it does it make it worse.
That is why abstinence and serious work on ourselves is required. On a daily basis. It never goes. You cant stop for 6 weeks do some work and then stay sober and happy forever. The wiring in the head remains you just have to manage it on a daily basis and learn to do things differently and accept it is there. A spiritual shift that must be nurtured regularly.
If not then you can go back to old ways very quickly. The old thinking can return. The head can take over and suddenly you find yourself craving drink and drugs again. If this continues for a while without any help or assistance. Then it's a matter of time for relapse to happen. Make sense to you?
I admit at certain points in my sobriety, when things have been going well and haven't ever thought alcohol would ever pass my lips again. I have watched serial relapsers or people who cannot stay sober with an inverted bewilderment. A detached air of superiority.
Thoughts like 'That's because they are not working a programme, they don't want it, they are in their disease', passed my mind. I realise that's not right. It's separating me from them and makes me no different to all the other morally superior creatures. It's not right and recently I have really pulled myself up about it.
Why? Because it could happen to me. Just because I have 12 years it doesn't make me immune to all the thoughts and behaviours of the mental disease. I just haven't actually used a substance or alcohol to act out. I could go back to drinking at any stage. Thoughts of taking drugs have entered my head many times over the past few weeks/years.
'I'm thinner now. I look different. It would be much more fun now. I missed out", all these thongs go through my mind. Even though I am armed with the facts I am a total addict in most things. That I cannot stop at one of anything. Even though I witness the destruction of the disease every day. Even though I know it's a killer and destroys people, I still toy with the idea. Insanity.
That's the subtlety and power of this disease. It will tap away at you telling you, you haven't got it, that you could 'have a couple', that it would be 'different this time' and most harmfully of all, 'your not as bad as them'. Thinking the dead ones had it worse than you.
How insane is that? You don't just go straight into death. It takes time.
For instance Hoffman relapsed on prescription pain killers. Then weed, then cocaine, then heroin and then bang he's dead. The process took a year. When the disease accelerates the individual has no chance. You literally cannot get the stuff quickly enough into your body. More and more and more until you are lost in the disease. That is the true nature of the disease. It has won then.
So how insane is it that my head still considers it, that my head still craves it, that my mind wanders towards it sometimes. We are never cured if it, we simply have a daily reprieve. That's why all those clever old timer bastards kept telling me, 'it's just for today Nick. Keep it simple. One day at a time'. They knew the score alright, that's why they kept telling me, 'stay out of your head, it's a bad neigbourhood'. Or my personal favourite 'don't go in there without an adult because a lunatic lives in there'. How right they were.
RIP PSH. Your death will not be in vain.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Edward Evans
Firstly, the media's reporting of the funeral. Most reports listed the famous Hollywood stars in attendance. His ex partner and children were shunted down to fourth paragraph of importance. His parents, family and other friends weren't even mentioned. This kind of reporting frustrates me. I know it is the norm but the 'celebrity' obsession culture borders on the obscene sometimes.
It has sparked a number of interesting pieces though. No more so than Russell Brand's in Friday's Guardian. Essentially blaming the archaic drug laws for the death.....I suggest you take a read. He makes some valid points.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/feb/06/russell-brand-philip-seymour-hoffman-drug-laws
Secondly, and on a similar topic I notice that 4 people have been arrested for supplying the actor with the drugs that he OD'd on. Do we really think that's solving the problem? Arresting people who are addicts themselves for supplying another addict. It's Crazy. Not exactly addressing the heart of the problem is it?
Heroin is a drug just like alcohol. Except Alcohol is a socially and morally acceptable legal drug. But arresting Heroin dealers is no different to arresting a landlord for supplying alcohol. It's insane. Why criminalise one drug and not another? If it was criminalised then the quality would be regulated, proper treatment programmes could be installed and it would save authorities around £500 billion a year on prisons, hospitals, courts.
I won't go on as The Brand covered most of it in his article but surely we have to shift our mind set on this. Why is it considered morally wrong to supply Heroin and not alcohol? Why legalise one drug and not another? Why demonise drugs as wrong and 'we must save our kids from them', whilst taking more anti-depressants, pain killers, prescribed medication and drinking more than ever before. That's insanity and hypocrisy on a global level.
If we really want to be open and true about it. How many drugs will you be using today? Painkiller because you're hungover? Smoking some cigarettes? Going out for lunch or dinner with a nice bottle of wine? A few beers tonight. A couple of cheeky lines at a party? Is there any real difference other than what society terms to be legal and non legal. Think about it. We are on dangerously thin moral ground when we trade one drug off against another because the system tells us too.
Thirdly it has made the concept of relapse buzz around my head. According to reports Hoffman was 23 years sober and clean from drugs and alcohol before suffering a 'relapse' last May. To most people who do not suffer with alcohol/drug problems or know little (or want to know little) about the 'disease'. The concept of drinking or using drugs being termed a relapse must be peculiar.
Lets take a look at what it means;
A relapse or recidivism is a recurrence of a past (typically medical) condition. Relapse, in relation to drug misuse, is resuming the use of a drug or a chemical substance after one or more periods of abstinence.
Essentially, old timers prefer the normal human language of 'started drinking or taking drugs again. Some prefer to call it 'using'. Others 'relapse'. Whatever floats your boat I guess. But in simple terms if you believe in the concept of drink or drug addiction as a disease and not a choice, then relapse can happen at any time.
I suppose most people will ask why? Why when someone has it so good would they go back to the very thing that caused them to want to stop in the first place. It makes no sense right?
I have been sober for 12 years and still require daily help to not go back to drink or drugs because I have a disease within me that means my brain functions in different ways to most 'normal' people. I am wired up differently. Not in a better or superior or inferior way. Just different. I don't have an 'stop' button when I ingest things I like.
Most recreational drinkers or drug takers do it because it's fun. We like the feeling right? Well what happens when you like the feeling so much. You want more and more and more? That's addiction right there. There is no control over taking it. That's the physical side of it. The phenomenon of craving. You must have that drink, or drug, or food, or sex, or woman or coat. And the brain will not rest until you have sated the craving. For 5 or 110 or 1000 minutes until it comes back again and again. That is the cycle of addiction.
Then you add the mental side. Your brain, personality, thoughts are wired up to max out on self pity, grandiosity, fear, worry, anger, self obsession. All normal human traits but addicts have them in bundles which makes living life, 'with your head' difficult. Hence using drink or drugs or whatever as a means of controlling them. A vicious circle because all it does it make it worse.
That is why abstinence and serious work on ourselves is required. On a daily basis. It never goes. You cant stop for 6 weeks do some work and then stay sober and happy forever. The wiring in the head remains you just have to manage it on a daily basis and learn to do things differently and accept it is there. A spiritual shift that must be nurtured regularly.
If not then you can go back to old ways very quickly. The old thinking can return. The head can take over and suddenly you find yourself craving drink and drugs again. If this continues for a while without any help or assistance. Then it's a matter of time for relapse to happen. Make sense to you?
I admit at certain points in my sobriety, when things have been going well and haven't ever thought alcohol would ever pass my lips again. I have watched serial relapsers or people who cannot stay sober with an inverted bewilderment. A detached air of superiority.
Thoughts like 'That's because they are not working a programme, they don't want it, they are in their disease', passed my mind. I realise that's not right. It's separating me from them and makes me no different to all the other morally superior creatures. It's not right and recently I have really pulled myself up about it.
Why? Because it could happen to me. Just because I have 12 years it doesn't make me immune to all the thoughts and behaviours of the mental disease. I just haven't actually used a substance or alcohol to act out. I could go back to drinking at any stage. Thoughts of taking drugs have entered my head many times over the past few weeks/years.
'I'm thinner now. I look different. It would be much more fun now. I missed out", all these thongs go through my mind. Even though I am armed with the facts I am a total addict in most things. That I cannot stop at one of anything. Even though I witness the destruction of the disease every day. Even though I know it's a killer and destroys people, I still toy with the idea. Insanity.
That's the subtlety and power of this disease. It will tap away at you telling you, you haven't got it, that you could 'have a couple', that it would be 'different this time' and most harmfully of all, 'your not as bad as them'. Thinking the dead ones had it worse than you.
How insane is that? You don't just go straight into death. It takes time.
For instance Hoffman relapsed on prescription pain killers. Then weed, then cocaine, then heroin and then bang he's dead. The process took a year. When the disease accelerates the individual has no chance. You literally cannot get the stuff quickly enough into your body. More and more and more until you are lost in the disease. That is the true nature of the disease. It has won then.
So how insane is it that my head still considers it, that my head still craves it, that my mind wanders towards it sometimes. We are never cured if it, we simply have a daily reprieve. That's why all those clever old timer bastards kept telling me, 'it's just for today Nick. Keep it simple. One day at a time'. They knew the score alright, that's why they kept telling me, 'stay out of your head, it's a bad neigbourhood'. Or my personal favourite 'don't go in there without an adult because a lunatic lives in there'. How right they were.
RIP PSH. Your death will not be in vain.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Edward Evans
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Day 37 - A Rather large attack of low self esteem
It happened around midday. I was at work. My new work. Work that offers great potential and opportunity. Work I have been offered because they obviously believe I can deliver. Work I am qualified and experienced to do. Work I can and will enjoy doing.
Yet why is it at midday I suddenly thought to myself, "Fuck me I'll never be able to do this. Surely they'll find out I'm a fraud soon. I'm not good enough."
I know most people don't like work. I get that. I've written about it in the past. I even criticised where I worked in the City before, which probably lost me my job. "Today I updated the business card database. Kill me now."
But this time it's not the job, or the organisation because it's all superb. The people are superb, the job is superb. It's all groovy. What wasn't superb today was my head.
Now in the past I've hated the thought of commuting. I hated the thought of being chained to a desk 8 hours a day. I hated being packed on a train like a sardine sniffing the armpit of a badly dressed man all the way into London. I hated seeing the throngs of people miserably walking over Waterloo bridge on their way into a job they only do in order to spend a few hours in the evening and weekend doing the stuff they have to work all week to be able to barely afford to do.
I had all that in the past. That was my attitude. Not today.
Today I was one of the plankton on Waterloo Bridge and I didn't mind. I didn't mind going into the office one bit. Didn't mind Going to work. I'm lucky to have the job for Gawds sake!! As I said the work is good. I just had a major attack of self doubt and low self esteem at lunchtime.
It doesn't really matter what brought it on. Circumstance. Childhood. Long held beliefs. Old behaviours. Old thinking. Alcoholism. Lack of meetings. My girlfriend not being adoring enough. Realisation I have taken on a big grown up job. Could be a number of things.
What matters is what I did about it. Did I curl up on the floor and start crying? No - that wouldn't look cool on day 4 in the new office. Did I start deflecting my inner pain and start putting others down. No, again not cool on day 4 or indeed any other day. Did I immediately nip out and down 4 shots of vodka? No because I'm a recovering alcoholic and 12 years sober.
What I did was nothing. I felt uncomfortable. I felt slightly needy on something or someone to fill up the self doubt. I tried 6 silk cut and 2 bottles of diet coke. Didn't work. I tried 4 cups of tea. Didn't work. I tried texting some sex chat to my girlfriend. She was busy. Didn't work. I tried calling someone. It did work. For 5 mins then the head came back.
So I just got on with work, did what I had to do, drove to a black tie dinner, sat in Tube Strike traffic for 2 hours, got to the dinner late, sat next to a guy who was now clean and sober for 3 years from heavy coke addiction and the most ultra positive man in the world and chewed the fat for a few hours. I had a laugh, networked my little Beckham looking ass off and got home at 12.30am.
I feel OK. The negative voice that was so loud earlier has now quietened to a feint little one at the back of my head.
Basically I'm saying it's OK to have doubts. I have heard editor's of national newspapers, people in positions of power saying, 'I'm still waiting to be found out'. It's quite common apparently.
So it's OK. They aren't real and eventually pass. It's only a feeling. I just found it odd that it came on when I woke up feeling so good. That little self esteem can fluctuate at any time. My job is not to act out on it. Simple
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Yet why is it at midday I suddenly thought to myself, "Fuck me I'll never be able to do this. Surely they'll find out I'm a fraud soon. I'm not good enough."
I know most people don't like work. I get that. I've written about it in the past. I even criticised where I worked in the City before, which probably lost me my job. "Today I updated the business card database. Kill me now."
But this time it's not the job, or the organisation because it's all superb. The people are superb, the job is superb. It's all groovy. What wasn't superb today was my head.
Now in the past I've hated the thought of commuting. I hated the thought of being chained to a desk 8 hours a day. I hated being packed on a train like a sardine sniffing the armpit of a badly dressed man all the way into London. I hated seeing the throngs of people miserably walking over Waterloo bridge on their way into a job they only do in order to spend a few hours in the evening and weekend doing the stuff they have to work all week to be able to barely afford to do.
I had all that in the past. That was my attitude. Not today.
Today I was one of the plankton on Waterloo Bridge and I didn't mind. I didn't mind going into the office one bit. Didn't mind Going to work. I'm lucky to have the job for Gawds sake!! As I said the work is good. I just had a major attack of self doubt and low self esteem at lunchtime.
It doesn't really matter what brought it on. Circumstance. Childhood. Long held beliefs. Old behaviours. Old thinking. Alcoholism. Lack of meetings. My girlfriend not being adoring enough. Realisation I have taken on a big grown up job. Could be a number of things.
What matters is what I did about it. Did I curl up on the floor and start crying? No - that wouldn't look cool on day 4 in the new office. Did I start deflecting my inner pain and start putting others down. No, again not cool on day 4 or indeed any other day. Did I immediately nip out and down 4 shots of vodka? No because I'm a recovering alcoholic and 12 years sober.
What I did was nothing. I felt uncomfortable. I felt slightly needy on something or someone to fill up the self doubt. I tried 6 silk cut and 2 bottles of diet coke. Didn't work. I tried 4 cups of tea. Didn't work. I tried texting some sex chat to my girlfriend. She was busy. Didn't work. I tried calling someone. It did work. For 5 mins then the head came back.
So I just got on with work, did what I had to do, drove to a black tie dinner, sat in Tube Strike traffic for 2 hours, got to the dinner late, sat next to a guy who was now clean and sober for 3 years from heavy coke addiction and the most ultra positive man in the world and chewed the fat for a few hours. I had a laugh, networked my little Beckham looking ass off and got home at 12.30am.
I feel OK. The negative voice that was so loud earlier has now quietened to a feint little one at the back of my head.
Basically I'm saying it's OK to have doubts. I have heard editor's of national newspapers, people in positions of power saying, 'I'm still waiting to be found out'. It's quite common apparently.
So it's OK. They aren't real and eventually pass. It's only a feeling. I just found it odd that it came on when I woke up feeling so good. That little self esteem can fluctuate at any time. My job is not to act out on it. Simple
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Day 36 - Tube Strike, Rediscovering Coaching & Not Listenining to the Inner Voice
A quick run down of today's main points;
Tube Strike
I'm not going to go into the big political in and outs. We'll leave that to the big dogs. I actually had a decent journey. Overland to Waterloo and then a very pleasant walk over Waterloo Bridge, observing some iconic London landmarks.
The throng of people trudging their way to work was like a pilgrimage. Not a pilgrimage to holy land but to Pret a Mange and an office. There were thousands of us. Trudging our way to unhappy destiny. I meditated and listened to chanting on my phone so I actually enjoyed the walk. I got to see the Eye, Houses of Parliament, Cityscape and many other landmarks. Plus I got to smoke 4 silk cuts, so nice one Bob Crowe. Same again tomorrow please.
I did get slightly resentful on the packed train though when a really small little prim Rottweiler of a woman, dripping in gold and bad taste, barged on the train and then invaded the 3 inches of space I had maneuvered for myself by the door. She didn't ask, didn't acknowledge , she just barged, tutted and looked all sarky when challenged. As if the space was her Divine right. I let it go and smiled at her, even though inside my head was thinking, 'Argos Bitch', (reference to her jewellery) Fuck off the train back to Primark." She clearly had lofty thoughts of self importance, though clearly I wasn't resentfully judging. I'm so open minded. Argos Cunt.
The feeling on the street was one of intensity. You could feel the stress and general resentment of the tube closures. People were ready to blow.
It did on the way home. As I walked down Aldwych, I saw a cyclist and pedestrian locked in an angry showdown. They had hold of each other's coats and were trading insults. All in the road holding up buses and cars. It was brilliant and ironically it was right in front of a theatre. 'Fuck the play watch these two spunk bubbles,' I thought.
The pedestrian was shouting, 'you were cycling aggressively', the cyclist returning with, 'fuck of you fucking cunt'. It was clear who was the aggressor in this dynamic. The cars beeped, causing both to turn round and tell the cars to 'fuck off'. It was a sweet moment of insane angry solidarity as they forgot they were fighting each other to tell a large metal object with no personality to fuck off. I laughed.
They carried on wrestling with each other before I gave up and walked on. It would have been a menacing sight if the cyclist hadn't have been swearing at the pedestrian with one of those flashing lights on his helmet. it was like abuse in Morse code. Plus the pedestrian, a middle aged man had one of those Bart Simpson joke ties, so you couldn't take his abuse seriously. In all honesty they both deserved to be run over. Two less knob-heads to worry about tomorrow.
***********************************************************
I did a module of my recovery coaching tonight online. The group gathered via a conference seminar on Skype to discuss emotions and coaching. I have to admit, since doing the course 2 weeks ago I haven't looked at any of the course and it has gone out of my head. I have been concentrating on my new job and investment offer. It took a back seat.
I didn't want to do it and my mind looked for every reason not too. In the end I reluctantly logged on an listened. It was great. It reconnected me, revitalised me and made me realise how utterly alien it is to me. They did a demo coaching session on someone and I spent the entire time listening, itching for them to delve into the reasons why that person was behaving in the way they did and to get under the bonnet and really dig. Instead the coaching way in terms of the subtle pace, the listening, the time and patience showed by the coach, use of open questions, powerful questions really opened up my mind to particular ways you can really challenge people but in a subtle and loving way.
It was a real eye opener and I came off the session buzzing. Note to self. When I live in my own head and start listening to myself that is when I get into problems. If I would had listened to my inner voice I would not have done the session. I would have told myself, "You're tired, you've had a full day, this new job is a lot to learn, don't do the seminar, catch up and listen at the weekend'.
Then I would have sat around thinking, in my head. Instead I didn't listen to the inner voice, I did the session and it gave me a real physical and spiritual boost. A change of energy within me. I truly believe these kind of things in whatever form really affect the energy flow of us as humans.
When I am locked in my own thinking all day how could that not have an effect on my energy? Think about it. What happens when you are around negative people? you get negative right. What happens when you are around positive 'up' people? You feel brighter and lighter right. So what happens if this applies to us?
When I am in my head all day and the head is critical/ negative and you add difficult life circumstances then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out it will drain you of energy and feeling good. So why is it that I can't see this in myself? I nearly listened to this thinking tonight. The result would have been 'same as before'.
So I will celebrate I didn't give into the inner critic and I do the opposite of what my head was saying. The result? I got fed and nourished by outside forces and felt re-energised. It was great and re-motivated me to do the coaching. (long term)
I do need a guinea pig to practice on for an hour a week on the phone though. Any takers out there?
Perhaps you listen to your inner critic too. I can vouch from personal experience. Getting out of your head in a healthy way and engaging with something positive and fresh can re energise and help you along the way, My problem is that my head usually resets back to 'negative warp factor 11 by the time I wake up tomorrow. Still, it's just for today right. And right now I feel pretty good.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Tube Strike
I'm not going to go into the big political in and outs. We'll leave that to the big dogs. I actually had a decent journey. Overland to Waterloo and then a very pleasant walk over Waterloo Bridge, observing some iconic London landmarks.
The throng of people trudging their way to work was like a pilgrimage. Not a pilgrimage to holy land but to Pret a Mange and an office. There were thousands of us. Trudging our way to unhappy destiny. I meditated and listened to chanting on my phone so I actually enjoyed the walk. I got to see the Eye, Houses of Parliament, Cityscape and many other landmarks. Plus I got to smoke 4 silk cuts, so nice one Bob Crowe. Same again tomorrow please.
I did get slightly resentful on the packed train though when a really small little prim Rottweiler of a woman, dripping in gold and bad taste, barged on the train and then invaded the 3 inches of space I had maneuvered for myself by the door. She didn't ask, didn't acknowledge , she just barged, tutted and looked all sarky when challenged. As if the space was her Divine right. I let it go and smiled at her, even though inside my head was thinking, 'Argos Bitch', (reference to her jewellery) Fuck off the train back to Primark." She clearly had lofty thoughts of self importance, though clearly I wasn't resentfully judging. I'm so open minded. Argos Cunt.
The feeling on the street was one of intensity. You could feel the stress and general resentment of the tube closures. People were ready to blow.
It did on the way home. As I walked down Aldwych, I saw a cyclist and pedestrian locked in an angry showdown. They had hold of each other's coats and were trading insults. All in the road holding up buses and cars. It was brilliant and ironically it was right in front of a theatre. 'Fuck the play watch these two spunk bubbles,' I thought.
The pedestrian was shouting, 'you were cycling aggressively', the cyclist returning with, 'fuck of you fucking cunt'. It was clear who was the aggressor in this dynamic. The cars beeped, causing both to turn round and tell the cars to 'fuck off'. It was a sweet moment of insane angry solidarity as they forgot they were fighting each other to tell a large metal object with no personality to fuck off. I laughed.
They carried on wrestling with each other before I gave up and walked on. It would have been a menacing sight if the cyclist hadn't have been swearing at the pedestrian with one of those flashing lights on his helmet. it was like abuse in Morse code. Plus the pedestrian, a middle aged man had one of those Bart Simpson joke ties, so you couldn't take his abuse seriously. In all honesty they both deserved to be run over. Two less knob-heads to worry about tomorrow.
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I did a module of my recovery coaching tonight online. The group gathered via a conference seminar on Skype to discuss emotions and coaching. I have to admit, since doing the course 2 weeks ago I haven't looked at any of the course and it has gone out of my head. I have been concentrating on my new job and investment offer. It took a back seat.
I didn't want to do it and my mind looked for every reason not too. In the end I reluctantly logged on an listened. It was great. It reconnected me, revitalised me and made me realise how utterly alien it is to me. They did a demo coaching session on someone and I spent the entire time listening, itching for them to delve into the reasons why that person was behaving in the way they did and to get under the bonnet and really dig. Instead the coaching way in terms of the subtle pace, the listening, the time and patience showed by the coach, use of open questions, powerful questions really opened up my mind to particular ways you can really challenge people but in a subtle and loving way.
It was a real eye opener and I came off the session buzzing. Note to self. When I live in my own head and start listening to myself that is when I get into problems. If I would had listened to my inner voice I would not have done the session. I would have told myself, "You're tired, you've had a full day, this new job is a lot to learn, don't do the seminar, catch up and listen at the weekend'.
Then I would have sat around thinking, in my head. Instead I didn't listen to the inner voice, I did the session and it gave me a real physical and spiritual boost. A change of energy within me. I truly believe these kind of things in whatever form really affect the energy flow of us as humans.
When I am locked in my own thinking all day how could that not have an effect on my energy? Think about it. What happens when you are around negative people? you get negative right. What happens when you are around positive 'up' people? You feel brighter and lighter right. So what happens if this applies to us?
When I am in my head all day and the head is critical/ negative and you add difficult life circumstances then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out it will drain you of energy and feeling good. So why is it that I can't see this in myself? I nearly listened to this thinking tonight. The result would have been 'same as before'.
So I will celebrate I didn't give into the inner critic and I do the opposite of what my head was saying. The result? I got fed and nourished by outside forces and felt re-energised. It was great and re-motivated me to do the coaching. (long term)
I do need a guinea pig to practice on for an hour a week on the phone though. Any takers out there?
Perhaps you listen to your inner critic too. I can vouch from personal experience. Getting out of your head in a healthy way and engaging with something positive and fresh can re energise and help you along the way, My problem is that my head usually resets back to 'negative warp factor 11 by the time I wake up tomorrow. Still, it's just for today right. And right now I feel pretty good.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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