Day 7 - The Inside Job : Smoking

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”      
Mark Twain

Why on earth do I still smoke? It's a ridiculous habit. Nasty little smelly things that serve no purpose whatsoever. There is absolutely no justification in having a smoking habit.

They are not mood altering. They don't make you high, or euphoric like alcohol or drugs. They don't satisfy the urge like a good sugar binge or set the adrenaline racing like sexual adventure. They are essentially pointless. Not only that but they are dangerous. They are toxic. They harm the body, cause cancer and all kinds of illnesses, killing approximately 100,000 people a year in the UK.

So why the fuck do I continue cramming 20 a day in my gob, as I have done for the past 20 years? Why am I still smoking??!!!

It’s gone way beyond the cool stage you once thought of it as a youth. When you're young there was something fabulously glamorous about smoking. Having your pack nestled by the side of your beer, made you feel like you were a man. You were in a pub, drinking a pint with a pack of Rothmans. You were a man my son.

It was cool back then. All those images of Keith Richards, fag in mouth playing on a guitar. James Dean. Pulp Fiction. It was an iconic look. Being a kid brought up in the 70’s smoking was everywhere. Formula 1 cars were clad in cigarette branding, TV adverts promoted them. I mean who wouldn't want to smoke a Hamlet Cigar after watching those adverts?

 

People smoked in Cinemas, pubs, restaurants, aeroplanes, even on the tube. The whole country was snouting and nobody really gave a shit. It’s so funny to watch old episodes of the Sweeney from 1976 where Regan smokes in his hospital bed!! Insane.

Everyone seemed to smoke when I was a kid. My old man loved tucking into a B&H. My parents smoked in the house all the time. We even had a table lighter on the coffee table that was the size of a coffee table. Proper old school smoking.

Then I guess the health effects started to become common knowledge and the net started closing. Prices went up, health warnings became mandatory, bans were put in place and you became almost weird if you smoked. The cool image of an old school era has long since gone.

 

It's incredible to think nobody smokes in restaurants and pubs now. You are almost vilified when you smoke. It has gone from a health issue to a moral one. So why am I still doing it?

Lets face it there’s nothing glamorous about standing outside a restaurant in the pissing rain, shivering , trying desperately to light your rain stained cigarette you’ve had to mortgage your house to pay for. Glamour long since passed.

 

There's nothing glamorous about raking up phlegm first thing in the morning waking up the entire street, trying desperately to clear some space for the first one of the day.

 

There's certainly nothing glamorous about a cancer ward or other related illnesses caused by smoking. There really is nothing worse than seeing people at a hospital wheeling a drip whilst tugging on a Lambert & Butler. Grim.

Me? I’ve been addicted for years. The trouble is, despite all of the evidence I love smoking. I look forward to waking up so I can have a tea and fag. I love lighting one up after the gym. The great feeling of working out hard is never better celebrated than by lighting one up on the steps of the gym to disapproving looks. I love smoking after yoga. I look forward to red traffic lights so I can spark one up. I love a cigarette after sex, though I've stopped short during. That's just unsexy.

I'm so addicted I smoked in the athletes village during both Ironman triathlons. Puffing away whilst clad in my lycra tri-suit. People looked at me like I'd just shit in a child's mouth. It was pure revulsion. The only reason I took up endurance sports is so I had a longer break from smoking. The Ironman provided me with 13 hours cigarette free.

 

I loved smoking when I was drinking and I loved it even more in Sobriety. Replacing booze with diet coke. Consuming so much of these evil poisons without any thought of what it may do to me. It's weird. You save yourself from one early death by stopping drinking and drugging, only to attempt it in another way with diet coke and smoking. Ridiculous really.

 

It's become such an ingrained habit in my mind and addiction in my blood stream. I cannot go anywhere without a packet of cigarettes. It's like an I-phone. I cannot drive in my car without a pack. I cannot leave home without one. My brain has trained itself to relay on them.

 

I have used them to combat stress, as something to do, as an appetite suppressant, to avoid doing something and because It is a pure habit. The whole ritual of writing for instance is at my kitchen table, usually in my pants, with a few cups of tea and silk cuts. It's going to be tough to break the habitual ritual but it has to be done.

 

You do it so much over a period of time your brain comes to think it needs it. But what do I need? It's nonsense. You don't need a cigarette for anything. I don't need it to drive. I don't remember the instructor asking me to 'light up and let's see how you drive with a fag on out the window'. It doesn't happen so why have I fallen into this ridiculous mind set? 

According to my girlfriend I’ve even started wheezing during sex. How unsexy is that!!! You know it's time to do something when you lean in close to nuzzle up to your girlfriend, plant a big wet kiss on her lips and tilt your head to one side to cough out a nodule. It has to end!!

How the fuck must it be for her to be on the receiving end of that?

Low lights, candles, bit of R&B music. Half a bottle of Blue Nun, you know nice and classy. Kissing, then move into  a passionate clinch, whispering mucky talk to each other. Driving each other on.

"You sexy bitch. You feel good. God I love you"
"Oh yes baby, that's it right there. Don't stop. Deeper"
"MMM you like that don't you, you want more?"
"Oh god yes, that's it. keep doing, oh god. I think I'm......."
"You getting closer baby? You want me to (wheeze) go a little (wheeze) slower...(cough, cough)
"I'm going to cum so soon baby, please don't stop"
"cough, cough, wheeze, uuuggggggggmmmm, hack, hack, hack.............spit"
"I'm leaving"

It's just not sexy is it? Surely it's time to give up when that happens. Forget the cancer I think I've humiliated myself into giving up.

The trouble with stopping is you think you're missing something. You get worried how you will replace it. The reality of course is you're not missing anything. Smoking is not an action. Yes you are putting something into your body. But really it is no different to chewing gum.

I have never tried to stop or cut down. So it will be my first attempt. I'm not going to shout about it. nor am I going to make any bold predictions. It really has to come from inside. There is no justification for it really so I'm going to try the mindful approach to cutting down from 20 a day to 10, then go and do the whole NHS thing and see if I can get off the bastard little things by the end of the year and get healthy.

I did buy some E-Lite cigarettes but it just made me want to smoke more real ones. I ended up smoking an E-Lite, a chillum and 20 snouts. Not quite the desired effect was it? Perhaps I wasn't ready. But I know I must be very soon.

If not I'm pretty sure my girlfriend will ban sex and then I'll be truly buggered. Fuck me I'm running out of addictions and vices at this rate. Thank God for PG Tips

Cough Cough

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

 

Day 6 - The Inside Job : Blue Monday

"Do Two Things You Don't want to do"
Just for Today Reading

According to The Office of National Statistics, Today, Monday 6th January, 2014. (Feels weird writing that year) was officially the most depressing day of the year.

It's the first working day of the year as it stretches out ahead like an omnibus of Eastenders. Most people are either poor from over spending, porky from over eating or lethargic from over drinking. It's full blown reality.

For me all the ingredients were in place for a proper Blue Monday. A solid Man Cold. Back that was still out, neck cricked, pissing with rain, tired/lethargic and to top it all off I developed the shits over-night. Can you give a man anymore misery God?. In case I wasn't suffering enough, a touch of brown Laser was the brown cherry on the icing on the brown cake. Grim.

Us Men don't need much to feel sorry for ourselves. Any of those ailments in isolation would usually be enough to send me straight to the sofa for a day of Homes Under The Hammer, Flog It, Escape To The Country and Magnum PI. But all four? Fuck me it was like sickness Armageddon. Where's that remote control and Kleenex?

At this point the self employed out there who are prone to bouts of procrastination will identify. I debated long and hard whether to go to the office or sofa? It was a tough choice.

This is where I realise the difference between me and the ultra successful. They do not debate, they do. They write lists, action plans so they have goals and tasks for the day. Ticking them off one by one until they achieve. Their mantra being;

'What are you doing today that will take you closer to your goal?'

Unfortunately my in built mantra is,

'What are you doing today that will take you closer to the sofa'.

Bit of a malfunction in building a multi million pound empire don't you think?

However in the spirit of 2014 and my attempt to challenge this stupid sodding ego I remembered my Just For Today card and one of the phrases on it, 'do two things you don't want to do.'

Clearly one of these two things was to go to work. So I went and with a decent attitude. Yes I felt rough. Yes I was in pain. Yes my head was saying, 'fuck that, go to yoga lay on the sofa all day. Your ill. It's a freedom pass'. But off I toddled and weirdly I felt OK about it.

I'm not sure if it was the chanting/meditation on Saturday night but I felt OK. Reasonably chirpy inside. It was a case of having 'smart feet' and letting the head follow. Apparently remarkable things happen when you get your 'shitty head out of the way'.

I'm not sure if it was remarkable, the law of the universe, law of attraction, God, circumstance, Karma or just what happens in life but I got two calls from recruitment consultants about jobs up for grabs in the sporting world I had applied for months ago and forgotten about.

One in Football in Singapore and another in Athletics. They had around 100 applicants last year and had interviewed a handful of proper senior executives but they didn't have 'the spark' apparently. So they went back into the list for a few more and called me. Nice one.

The initial Ego reaction was, 'cheers then, 2nd choice' and 'I'll never get them anyway'. I don't have to try to get that initial reaction. But as I'm told, act on your 2nd thought not your first. So I chatted away and some interviews may or may not come from it. We shall see. But not a bad start to Blue Monday was it? Fuck depression I'm doing OK thank you very much.

I ground out a few hours in the office, felt ill, left early (as is your want when self employed), retreated to the sofa for an hour and then did the 2nd thing I didn't want to do today, went to a meeting.

It was fucking miserable outside, cold, wet, dark. My house was warm and the sofa oh so snugly. I was ill, Minder had just started on ITV 4 and the meeting was miles away (It is 1/2 mile from my house but may as well have been 1000 through land mines and hurricanes in my lazy state)

However I employed smart feet and went. It turned out to be a good meeting, well needed and I took a guy who was in the madness out for tea afterwards. The best way to stop thinking about yourself is help someone, so I did, getting home at 9.30pm feeling pretty clear of head and decent inside.

For me it wasn't Blue Monday. It was a good example of positive action making my mind feel better. Despite the ailments I feel good. I hope it lasts.

If you don't feel top tip tomorrow, try doing two things you don't want to do. Smile at someone you wouldn't normally smile at. Open a door. Let someone out in the traffic. Tell your boss his breath stinks. Whatever. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture or action. Try something small and see how it goes. It may not immediately pay off but it's better than being a miserable bastard right? God knows I need that sometimes.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 5 - The Inside Job : Ego v Meditation

"There are Good Days and Great Days"
Anonymous, AA

I heard that in a meeting last week. Good days are when everything goes for you and you don't drink. Great days are when everything turns to shit and you don't drink. Yesterday was a great day.

It was spent largely in miserable and grumpy state. The Contributing factors were pain, man cold, lack of sleep and little food.  All good quality Lab conditions to make SHIT FM loud in the head.

The good news is I didn't act badly. I didn't piss anyone off. I wasn't nasty to my girlfriend. I didn't take it out on her or anyone else (OK I shared some angry misery in an AA meeting) But largely the storm remained in my head not outside. A significant victory, plus of course I didn't drink. It was a great day

I also heard another belter which has made me think; 

"Recovery doesn't happen between the preamble and serenity prayer (i.e A meeting) It starts between the serenity prayer and preamble (I.e outside the meeting in every day life)"

I can honestly say I have rarely thought that in 12 years of recovery. I guess I took it for granted and tried to weave it into my every day life. If I'm honest, I have fallen short on many occasions.

They do say if you want to see about a man's recovery. Go and talk to his girlfriend, wife, family. It's how you act in every day life. It's no good being like The Pope in a meeting and Saddam Hussein out of it.

How many times have I heard someone share like a spiritual guru, only to see them throw a volley of abuse at an unsuspecting cyclist 10 minutes later. There are lots of spiritual bull-shitters around. My goal is not to be one.

I know at certain times I completely forget I'm a recovering alcoholic. I forget I'm wired up weirdly. This is largely when I act 'in the disease', in terms of my thinking, reactions, instincts and behaviour.

All I've ever wanted to be is authentic. You cannot pass on something you haven't got. My experience is my experience. There is little point pretending to be something I am not. I can't tell you how to change if I haven't. Though to be fair at many points of sobriety I have taken the old maxim, 'Do as I say not as I do.'

I remember delivering a sermon to my Mum on tolerance, love and understanding and finishing the 12 minute spiritual tirade by shouting, "GO TO FUCKING ALANON!!!" That's proper tolerant and loving for you. Recovery in action?!

Growing up and learning about life is about growing into it spiritually and mentally. It's about learning through mistakes in my case. Sometimes I make these over and over again before learning. If I'm not spiritually connected and serene I never pretend to be. I am where I am. It is a constant journey.

Then of course you have to factor in the alcoholic ego. The one which says, 'I know' to everything. At various stages I have offered people unsolicited advice on their marriage (I've never been married), their health (Never qualified as a GP) their house (Never had a mortgage) their kids (never had any children) their relationship (I better not go there) and everything in between. I'd probably have a go at Quantum physics and South American Fiscal policy such is my exaggerated sense of bullshit sometimes.

I am finally concentrating on changing myself. I'm quite liking this whole 'how am I operating my programme in daily life' thing at the moment. It challenges me and my behaviour. It makes me accountable to myself.

Yesterday was spent largely in pain. Whilst I try not to do the whole man thing and moan like fuck. I moaned like fuck. I felt guilty as I  was raised  by strong little welsh female Matriarchs who never moaned about anything. My Nan went through Oesophagus cancer last year and the biggest grumble I heard from her was, 'I don't feel too well today'. She set the bar high.

When I'm tired or in pain my head doesn't work in such ways. I immediately think the worst. I am a chronic hypochondriac and drama queen (though I rarely say these thoughts out loud for fear of being laughed at). At some points I thought 6 months of lower back pain is bound to be cancer. The neck injury will never clear up. I will be in a collar before long. I was even eying up people on mobility scooters, thinking, 'that's me next'.

I thought, 'thanks God, that's my penance for laughing at all those mobility scooters. Your going to make me live in pain forever & make me sit in one. Nice one omnipitence'. (Told you my head was a bad place sometimes) Come on admit it, especially you men, how many times has your head run away with you when it comes to injury or illness?

Clearly what is happening to me at the moment is a direct result of the shit I have put into my body over a number of years. Starving myself of the right nutrition, hydration and placing terrific stress on it from heavy exercise. Perhaps it is my Higher power's way of grabbing my attention to make me sit up and take notice.

That sounds about right. Given half the chance I would carry on as normal. Feels like God is giving me a real slap across the face here.

I think women have a much higher pain threshold than men (Childbirth) and I am certainly prone to massive bouts of huge babyism. Sometimes I act all stoically when in pain. Carrying on like a martyr with a little boy look on my face, desperate for a round of applause when I carry out the most menial of tasks.

"Ah well done, you washed up a mug. All with a bad back and neck. You brave little soldier. Here's a biscuit. You sit down and let me fuss on you for several hours. Bless you." Is what I crave deep down. Dreadful isn't it?

Of course life doesn't work that way, so I was forced to carry on yesterday and in between constant moans to my girlfriend (and not the ones she would have wanted). I did a meeting, wrote the blog, went to the gym for light exercise/stretching, then I went to chanting/meditation and finally I went to my girlfriend's who spoiled me, looked after me and cooked this grumpy sod a lovely meal. Not a bad day was it?

Chanting in the evening was interesting. First one back of 2014 and it was packed. I found it hard, as I had to sit cross legged on the floor and my back/neck was giving me gip. I also struggled to let myself go. I am too self aware. My ego didn't want to give up that easily.

'That guy next to me is waving his hands round and looks into it. I'm not'. 'That girl stinks of B.O'. "I can't sing properly". "My voice sounds shit". "I look a knob". The endless chatter of SHIT FM.

The whole point of chanting is to 'get out of your head'. To connect with your higher self, to move out of ego. When I looked around the room I wondered if other people were having the same mental battle as me. Did their heads talk so loudly and savagely?

I was able to let go for a short time in the first chant. I didn't  know the words in the 2nd chant, so I found it challenging. Drifting in and out of it, feeling stupid of not knowing the words.

It was fascinating to observe my ego though. It needs to feel part of, good at something, like it's doing well to feel happy and whole. Then I'm happy if 'I'M in the gang, If I'M doing OK. It is always comparing, matching, looking for approval. When I didn't know the words I felt less than, stupid and uncomfortable - SHIT FM was shouting 'You're stupid. IDIOT. IDIOT!!

It's like I have to be good at something to be OK. I checked the dude next to me who was all bangles, long hair, cross legged, eyes closed, hands in the air, clapping, chanting. Totally free. My ego thought, 'Wanker'. Then I immediately felt jealous because he was free. I wanted to be free but I just couldn't let go.

It's like sober dancing. Particularly for men. You feel absolutely terrified &  self conscious. Like you can't let go as the whole world will stop and look. Someone will video you and the embarrassment of being the biggest dancing twat in the world will go viral so that everyone will know your a knob. That's the kind of self cent redness, self conscious fear I was up against. Plus my back and neck was killing me.

The 3rd chant got better and I had glimpses of being free and letting go. I think at one point my arms actually went air born, but the ego soon realised this terrible malfunction and lowered them immediately. My ego thought that was far too uncool.

The battle was exhausting and does impact on my enjoyment of chanting. But it is a really interesting observation of what I am up against and how savage my ego and SHIT FM is. Changing is hard work.

Then we were introduced to Johnathon who was to lead us in a 30 minute guided meditation. This is where the real fun began. We were told to sit bolt upright, on the floor with legs crossed. Fuck me, 30 minutes like this with my back? Are you kidding me? I'm toast.

I'd just like to point out at this point my meditation usually lasts around 3 minutes before my head starts doing cartwheels. It's something I want to do, that has been recommended but I find it easier running 26 miles than sitting still in meditation for 30 minutes.

We began. It took around 2 minutes before I wanted to give up. Breath in (HOM) breath out (SOH). He said, "Concentrate on the breath. Sometimes the mind will wander Catch it, go back to your breath and let it go".

"Let it go!!! Let it go!!!Easy for you to say Johnathon in your fucking fleece, You serene cunt", my ego chipped in, My mind was now on fire. "My back hurts,. This is shit. She fucking stinks. I hate his voice. He's wearing a shirt from Primark how can he be a fucking meditation teacher. Go and and smoke. NOW!!" This meditation lark was exhausting stuff,

I got back to my breath. Fuck me this was painful. I wanted to leave. I was having an argument with myself. SHIT FM was playing 'LEAVE!' on full volume. I was in bits. Why does it have to be who's the only one to get up and leave?

I laid down on my back and rested my hurting neck on a pillow. Oh god, bliss!!! This is when I actually did let go & concentrate on my breath. I forgot where I was. I had reached that point!!!! Fuck me I was meditating. Look at me Momma. I'm meditating!!!! I concentrated on my higher self, on the open expanse of the spirit. How much my brain on a human form limits my past, my future. How little my brain can comprehend.

Holy fuck this was awesome. I know now what all those meditators are on about. This was the crack cocaine of spirit. I loved it.

And then it was gone. Back to my head. "Fucking smelly B.O. What shall I do after? I haven't eaten yet. Oh fuck me what about running out of money in a month. Where am I going to get a job?" Welcome back head. God I missed you, I actually felt quite happy and optimistic for a minute there.

And so the class ended, Johnathon and his spiritual fleece guided us back to reality and the 90 min class ended. I was knackered. What a ride.

I felt proud not to run out of the room. I toughed it out but I wondered if other people's minds were as messy as mine? It was tough, but I got a glimpse of the benefits and just enough to make me want to practise more.

I'm determined before long to earn my spiritual fleece and once I get that level of serenity. There will be nothing to stop me, so I'm going to keep coming back.

Namaste Mother fuckers

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 4 - The Inside Job - Raw Truth of SHIT FM

OK it's time to lay out some raw truth. I'm grumpy as fuck today. Proper miserable. I know this blog is all about the journey of change and inside job. But I've got to be honest and today I am a right miserable bastard. Why? Well many reasons, some of which are physical, some mental.

It's pissing down. It has rained for days. The sky's are grey. I've put my back out, my neck is hurting from an old injury. I cannot run or exercise and I'm fucked off. I've spent a week eating myself stupid, or effectively drinking through food, so I'm feeling lardy and body dysmorphia tells me I look like Bernard Manning/Dawn French combined as Siamese twins, when I look in the mirror. My chest is wheezing from smoking too much, I stayed up until 4am to watch England get absolutely shit on again in the Ashes and I'm coming down with a bad throat/cold. Today misery is not optional - it's compulsory.

Not the sort of energetic, vibrant positive launch to 2014 I wanted is it? More a flaccid cock type start to the year. I need some Viagra for the soul.

When I'm like this I'm dangerous. Both to myself and others. My character defects really come to the fore when I'm unwell or in physical pain and they go off like a firecracker. The negative alcoholic ego lurks, waiting to drag me into the gloom. Radio Shit Nick FM plays loudly in my head;

Looping the Christmas Number 1# - 'Fat Cunt' - "You haven't been to the gym for 4 days and you've put on 4lbs. You  fat cunt. Oi, fatso we're going to have to get specially widened doors in your house you lardy wanker." .

Or how about the popular hit - 'Loser' - "You can't stop smoking. You're never going to change. This blog is a massive waste of time. Your a loser'

Fuck off Negative Ego. Time to retune Radio Shit Nick FM.

I could feel SHIT FM it coming on yesterday when I could hardly move because of a back spasm. I went to Marianna, the Eastern European Chiropractor with hands the size of shovels. She just laughed at me and took great pleasure  throwing me around, cracking various parts of my body for 20 minutes. It felt like 3 rounds of WWF with the Rock.

It didn't give me any relief. She didn't even give me any hand relief so I was double gloomy. I went home, started to feel the onslaught of Man cold so I retreated to my sofa for the day and got on with the serious business of isolating. That's almost Guaranteed to make you feel worse. SHIT FM was warming up.

I crawled to an AA meeting braving the wind/rain and spread my impending gloom on the poor souls in the meeting. Then I came back home to put in a serious shift of masochism by watching England get mauled by the Aussies in the Ashes. Finally I went to sleep at 4am. Waking at 8.30 this morning.

SHIT FM was right on me. The head was low. Negativity oozing from every pour. I had to Retune and Reframe SHIT FM. It was time to put in some action.

I stretched, got on my foam roller, did my back exercises, meditated, breathed in and out, prayed, had my tea (No cigarette) wrote down 3 things to be grateful for (sobriety, recovery and people in my life) did my daily readings, then I strapped on the waterproofs/Ipod and seeing as I couldn't run, went for a walk by the river whilst chanting loudly to the headphones.

I got some strange looks from people. Fuck them. It was only Isleworth after all. My back was twinging but I really enjoyed the walk. I never walk I always run, so I was able to appreciate the river, the surroundings, my area, the massive houses people seem to live in, how everyone with a nice house seems to box themselves in with a huge fence and gates.

We are rather odd us humans. There are so many of us on the planet yet we fence ourselves in, effectively saying to our fellow man, 'Fuck off'. It looked odd as I walked along these huge houses, chanting to Indian Kirtan's, trying to get connected with my higher spirit and  seeing row upon row of people living in separatism. Perhaps that's what I do when I slip into the gloom?

I got back home, had another cuppa, fixed up a fresh cucumber & carrot juice and went to a meeting. That whole routine took me 2 hours. I was pretty impressed with myself. I didn't have a smoke. I didn't have a diet coke. I did everything I set out to do in an attempt to shift 'the head' and become a 'normal human being'. I tried my best to retune SHIT FM

Did it work? Did it fuck. I rocked up at the meeting, seething in resentment at all the V-neck jumper wankers. I poured myself a lukewarm cup of weak tea from the pot,( can nobody make a strong cup of fucking tea in Kew) I eased myself into the chair, feeling sorry for myself that my back was so sore, washed the soaked rain from my head and tried to tune into this meeting. This medicine for my soul.

I looked around the room and hated everyone. Thinking they were all middle class wankers. I hated the chair as everyone was laughing but didn't want to laugh or enjoy what he was saying. The Secretary shared back to the chair for 12 minutes and I considered kicking over a row of chairs in sheer frustration. I was twitching, My head was screaming - "You cunt, a secretary's job is to open up the meeting and shut up. Stop making it about you!!" - I was nice and serene. (Please don't think I've missed the double irony at this point that by getting angry that someone is sharing for 12 minutes and I'm judging them thinking they're making it about them, is that I'm actually making it about me. So I'm guilty of doing exactly what I'm judging that other bloke I think is doing. I think they call that reflection projection, something that comes so naturally to this little grumpy soldier)

The sharing went on and I tried my best to look for the differences It seems that everyone was sharing about their wife, marriage or semi detached house. It felt like a sit com from the 80's. 'Fucking cunts the lot of them', SHIT FM grumbled.

I shared. Not in an ultra positive way I must admit. But I let out my head, my fears, worries and rendered the room totally silent. Feels good to let it out but it's slightly scary when you feel totally alone, as if nobody else is thinking like you. Perhaps they weren't.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I in the dark here? Am I wallowing in this? I'm confused, frightened, worried, scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel a little overwhelmed. This inside job is a lot to take on. SHIT FM has been tuned in for so long.

But you know what. I know it's not the speaker's fault. It's not the secretary's fault, or anyone at the meeting. It's not the meeting's fault or the people who live in the posh houses. It's not even my fault. It's just the way it is for today. For now. It's easier for me to jump straight to anger, criticism, judgmentalism than it is to change me.

The buck stops with me. I'm the one who has put all the things in my body to cause it to break down. I'm the one that has created my life. I'm the one who has chosen to live in my defects for so long. I'm the one who lives in my skin. I create my reality and I'm man enough to own up to it. It's changing it that is going to be a hell of a journey.

The committee love me to beat myself and give myself a hard time. But you know what, I refuse to today. From right now I accept it's just where I'm at today. It's OK to be like that today.

Fuck me I'm sure an awful lot of people are feeling low or flat or just a little overwhelmed by the New Year or from a festive hangover. It's OK.

I said my truth in this blog. I shared my honesty in the meeting. That's good enough for me and all I ask of others. No matter where they're at. Good or bad.

Today it's a case, 'tell me anything as long as it's the f***g truth'.

The web, Facebook is full of blog posts, articles giving advice on how to be better, what to do, what to cut out, how to think, top 5 tips of this, top ten of that. None of them have said - share your truth. That real gut wrenching inner truth that is hard to get out.

Well I have folks, and you know what it feels fucking good. It's me. Raw me. No shit,. No fat. No padding. Nothing to sell. No tips or packaged self help it's my truth of where I'm at today.

And you know what it will probably be different tomorrow or the day after because everything passes. All I have done is vent the head. Grass up SHIT FM. Take the power out of it. See it for how ridiculous and savage it is. How much it is out to get me.

Now it is 2.31pm and i can get on with my day. Yes I maybe grumpy that I'm in pain, that my back is still fucked and that I cannot do yoga, exercise or fuck like a demon, whatever it is that makes me feel good. But my head is clearer and I'll be less of an arsehole to my girlfriend/world/people today.

The truth really has set me free. This shit works. Now that is what this blog is all about. I'm very happy with that post. I'm not trying to impress. It feels real and right. I hope you did too.

My tip for the day - Tell someone your truth today about something/anything - big or small and let me know what it did for you (obviously don't tell your partner you're sleeping with their best mate if you are cheating. Sometimes too much truth hurts and that's bad right?)

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 3 - The Inside Job : Morning Routines

"The Journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"

Lao - Tse

 

The Inside Job continues. The journey of change is daunting sometimes but as it says above, it starts with a single step. Small little victories every day that mount up make it so much easier to cope when broken down into piecemeal chunks.

 

I have made the public commitment to change and although I'm frightened I will not succeed (old familiar negative thought patterns of failure that come to me as naturally as breathing see) I've made a decent start to the journey and taken that all important first step.

 

The behaviour I want to challenge myself over today is the Morning routine. How important is it to your day? How do you get up? Do you have a routine? Are you a 'morning' person or does it take you a nuclear siren warning to get you out of your pit?

 

I like getting up super early. I love the early morning. There is a peace about it. You feel like you can get so much done in the day. Plus of course as you get older you tend to wake up earlier. It's the inevitability of getting older. Random hair and early rising, if not with morning glory.

 

However, I have two problems about my love of early mornings;

 

1 - I love staying up late

 

2 - I love smoking and drinking tea in the morning

 

Not good is it? Kind of destroys the object of the morning or feeling good. I stay up late smoking and faffing (killing myself) then get up early to smoke and faff (and kill myself some more). It's A DOUBLE bubble self sabotage full of faff. (whatever faffing is, but men tend to faff, women tend to potter)

 

Of course my intentions for the morning are good every night. To exercise, juice, meditate and get going - as I have on sporadic occasions, but somehow when the morning comes and I've put in a 3am shift, exercising sounds as appealing as a 3 some with Charles Saatchi and Nigella.

 

Of course at this point, married people with kids will be saying. Get married and have a kid FFS then you won't be able to sit around smoking & faffing. It is a fair point.

 

However a good pal of mine (you know who you are) enjoys nothing better than packing the kids off to bed, then the missus (later) and staying up for a top class procrastinate. Thank god I'm not alone! It's not so much the act you do, it's the thought and behavioural pattern behind it. Ultimately it is self sabotage.

 

So in the spirit of the 2014 'Inside Job' blog. It's not just my job to report the bad habits, or the problems. It's my job to report the solutions and my experience in trying to use them.

 

According to the excellent website www.brainpickings.org a recent scientific study by University College, London found that on average it takes 21 days to form a new habit. However there is a disclaimer - only if it is something exceptionally simple like drinking a glass of water with breakfast, 21 days is about right, however if it is something more complicated or active (running for 15 minutes after dinner for instance) then it can take up to a year or even longer before it becomes standard practice in ones life. Here's the link - http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2014/01/02/how-long-it-takes-to-form-a-new-habit/

 

So let me cut to the chase. My morning habit is clearly governed by my behaviour and what I put in my body/mind the previous day. If my standard evening on my own is, yoga/gym/meeting. Home 10pm. Eat. Text, message, TV, write, email. Surf Internet. TV, 2-3am, plus smoke, tea, diet coke. Is it any wonder I don't sleep until 3am or even later sometimes?

 

Therefore my morning routine varies. Awake 7-8am. Up, pray, hand will and life over to god (still half asleep so it doesn't really sink into my soul) kitchen, tea, cigarette, write journal or morning pages - how I feel, gratitude list, put on chanting, more tea, smoking. Think about the day. Think 'how am I going to get out of doing work today', plan day around exercise, smoke more, drink tea, get ready for work at 9.30am, then out the door by between 9 and 10am, without a plan for the day.

 

Brilliant isn't it!! I've pretty much fooled everyone that I'm in control, I'm a confident go getting man in charge of his future. That's not what is under the bonnet!!

 

When I write that down and read it, it's hardly any wonder I'm in the position I'm in. Not making it easy for myself am I? I have honed this habit over years.

 

My natural inclination is to engage in the bad habits. I am drawn to them by will, desire and craving. So doing the opposite takes work, dedication and effort. I hate effort. I just want to feel good automatically. On a bad day I may think, 'why do I have to put this effort in?' - at this point my attitude is not right, it's destructive. A better way of thinking is - "If I do this I'll feel good and can do anything I want". This is freeing, more positive and will ultimately make me happier. So why so much resistance to do it?

 

Is that resistance deep rooted? Does it come from childhood? Is it just learned patterns of habitual behaviour? Is it self sabotage? Is it my alcoholic ego? Is it my demons out to get me and keep me miserable or more lethally kill me. Is it self hatred on a deep level?

 

Maybe it's a combination of all of them. Usually most people want to find out the answer and then do something about it. Me? Well I can't just sit around waiting so I'm going to have to employ the old school AA maxim of having 'Smart feet'. Which is to put the footwork in and the head will follow.

 

If I'm honest I take a sick enjoyment out of living in bad habits/character defects. I thought it makes me non-conventional, rebellious, unique, a character, special and different. It fed my ego in a weird way.

 

And today? I think that's a crock of shit. It's embarrassing. That attitude is utterly stupid. It doesn't make me special and different, it makes me addicted to nicotine, caffeine, sweetener and unwell. It makes me negative. How's that for unique Nicholas! I've busted my Ego! Hooray.

 

It's pretty basic stuff isn't it. But to me it's like rocket science!! The real special and different ones go and make an impact in the world not try to kill themselves. It is about harnessing this super powerful ego in a positive external way not in a self sabotaging self indulgent harmful way. I see that now. See what I mean about living in the ego for so long that you couldn't actually see that you were in it. That's how clever, subtle and powerful it is.

 

So - how can we change it? How can I move out of this habitual behaviour?

 

Lets start with the morning routine. As I spoke about yesterday, Doing something repetitively until it becomes habit. Well in the morning, I'm going to try the following routine;

 

• Wake - stretch and pray immediately in knees bent stretch lower lumbar position
• Hand will and live over to go and try to be mindful about doing that so it sticks in my mind and I feel it
• Glass of water + hot water & lemon
• Get on foam roller and do 15 stretching back and meditating
• 10 minutes of chanting
• Tea (cigarette optional but obviously going to try and get rid of that)
• Fresh juice from the juicer (vegetable mostly)
• Prayer
• Checklist for day/gratitude list - write down head stuff
• Ready to  go

 

If I can heal my body, spine, neck then I would love to add exercise onto that for early morning routine, whether that be running, cycling, swimming or gym. It's a great start to the day,

 

The whole point is to do the things that turn my head from negative to positive. To feed my mind as well as my body to prepare for the day. To make me happier to make me healthier.

 

It's a tough one as my instincts are to smoke, drink tea and piss about. This will be a big test. It is huge to me, so lets see how I get on. I may drop some of them if it's all too much but the aim will be to get a morning routine I am comfortable with and helps me get into a good mind set for the day.

 

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it! I hope it becomes habit within 21 days, though I suspect it's going to take a little longer of trial and error. We shall see.

 

On a more mundane level, yesterday I put my back out in the gym. 1st time I stepped in there in 2 weeks and the back went whilst doing box jumps. Now I have a lower back, upper back, shoulder and chest problem. It is a unique way of pain management, get a new injury to take your mind off the original one.

 

Clearly my body is grumbling at me. If I don't take notice of it screaming out to change I really am an idiot. I'm pretty grumpy as I cannot exercise but maybe it's God's way of grabbing my attention. I'm that engrained in my habits. It takes something severe to make me take notice. And even then I have ignored in the past.

 

To have a dodgy back is also good for my ego. It Keeps me in check as I'm walking around like a man who's been f**d  and has just sh*t himself. It's not a great look. But I make people laugh by my ridiculous attempts to move with any kind of panache or swagger. I don't so much as walk as stumble with my arse out.

 

The bad news is they're laughing at me not with me, but when your as self obsessed and needy for attention as much as I am, you'll take any laugh you can get.

 

Together We Are Stronger

 

Nicholas Evans

 

 

 

 

Day 2 of The Inside Job - Did I really Commit to that?

"We are what we repeatedly do - Excellence is not an act but a habit"

Aristotle

 

It's all over. The madness has ended. Christmas and New Year has passed and for most of us it's back to reality. The insanity of over eating, over drinking, over spending and over everything or simply just lolling about doing nothing is at an end. It's time to get back to face work, life, routine, reality. Oh god! How awful is that?

 

The adrenaline of a New Year and  mass public holiday is over and it's time to face up to the cold hard reality of what you agreed to do on New Years Eve. Come on, be honest how many of you made some kind of pledge to follow in 2014? How many have you have broken it already?

 

It is a month/time when most of us commit to some kind of change. A New Year, New Me. The usual suspects being stopping drinking or smoking, losing weight, getting healthy or changing jobs. The list can be endless.

 

Some believe in Resolutions, others in goals. Some don't believe in them at all. After all every day is a day to commit to a new goal. We only ever have 24 hours in the day. So why wait until January 1st to try and affect change? And then January 2nd when many of us have fucked the resolutions anyway?

 

It's daunting to completely change something in a snap decision when the whole year stretches out ahead of you. In most cases it's already doomed to failure. The pressure is too great. 12 months is a long time. Lets face it 12 hours is to much sometimes.

 

Making the commitment to change is not the issue, it's the HOW you do it, how you CONTINUE it, until it becomes a habit and NORMAL way of living. That's the money shot right there.

 

I find it easy to talk about change but tough to do it. "I'll do it tomorrow" becomes all too familiar. This causes low level frustration/mild unhappiness.

 

The other problem is consistency. I love a good binge see. I binged on alcohol, food, exercise, sex or pretty much anything I fancied. I do it as much as I can until I cannot take anymore. Then the pattern is to go back to a kind of denial process until the next urge to binge comes along. There is almost a sense of excitement and freedom from the 'fuck it' syndrome.

 

How many people will lose weight and then celebrate by going on a 4 week eating binge  Or stop drinking for a period of time and then congratulate themselves by getting totally shit faced? It's madness isn't it?

 

Short periods of change are good but when they quickly revert back to old ways it is demoralising. You almost resign yourself to this pattern of behaviour forever.

 

 It can also apply to creativity, work or hobbies. How many times have I said, "I'm going to learn the guitar", or "I'm going to learn a language", or "next year I'm going to do stand up comedy." The guitar will be purchased, the lessons booked and then put down again after a month because I'm not a genius and it takes effort. How many of us have a guitar, a bike, a pair of running shoes, yoga mat or a gym membership that we bought with the best intentions but have rarely been used? 

 

Sustaining change or learning new ways requires effort, discipline, diligence and continual practice. None of these come easily to me naturally - nor to most people I would guess.

 

I'm coming round to the way of thinking that denying oneself something is a short term fix. It's almost as if a psychic change or a pattern/life habit change needs to happen so that you are not missing it. Instead a more natural organic process of elimination takes place so that good habits replace bad. So that whatever it is you choose to do just becomes a normal part of your life.

 

Sounds logical doesn't it? But is it easy to do? You're joking! No way, otherwise there wouldn't be multi billion dollar self help, nutrition, fitness, counselling, pharmaceutical industries, or blogs like mine. Instead we'd all be super human machines powering on.

 

It's clear to me that change requires great effort. Habits are difficult to break but the good news is they are not impossible. We don't have to resign ourselves to being a certain way. Nor do we have to deny they exist. Instead recognising the patterns is a crucial start. The next important process is to learn how to change them. (the whole reason for this blog)

 

I believe this is a process. It takes time to realise your patterns and identify the problem habits. Whether it be physical ones or emotional/mental ones. Then the process of changing them can take place.

 

The trick is not to be too hard on yourself but be firm at the same time. We know ourselves when we 'give up', or sit in a problem. In AA there is a great slogan, 'Easy does it but do it anyway.' I like that. It's gentle, loving but firm. At the end of the day change is an action not a desire. 

 

A pal of mine sent me a link to a belting piece about William James, the American Psychologist & Philosopher I mentioned yesterday. He was one of the great inspirations of AA and wrote a book in 1887 called 'Habit', a short treatise on how our behavioral patterns shape who we are and what we often refer to as character and personality.

 

The link is below if you're interested, but essentially his description of it

 

"What is so clearly true of the nervous apparatus of animal life can scarcely be otherwise than true of that which ministers to the automatic activity of the mind … Any sequence of mental action which has been frequently repeated tends to perpetuate itself; so that we find ourselves automatically prompted to think, feel, or do what we have been before accustomed to think, feel, or do, under like circumstances, without any consciously formed purpose, or anticipation of results."

 

In essence our habits rule us, our behaviours, character, personality, life. They become instinctive. Grooved behaviour over a long period of time. So a simple list on NYE is never going to change them. We are fooling ourselves if we think we can affect this change ourselves so quickly & simply

 

He also went onto describe how to change habits;

 

1. The acquisition of a new habit, or the leaving off of an old one, we must take care to launch ourselves with as strong and decided an initiative as possible. Accumulate all the possible circumstances which shall reinforce the right motives; put yourself assiduously in conditions that encourage the new way; make engagements incompatible with the old; take a public pledge, if the case allows; in short, envelop your resolution with every aid you know. This will give your new beginning such a momentum that the temptation to break down will not occur as soon as it otherwise might; and every day during which a breakdown is postponed adds to the chances of its not occurring at all
2. Never suffer an exception to occur till the new habit is securely rooted in your life. Each lapse is like the letting fall of a ball of string which one is carefully winding up; a single slip undoes more than a great many turns will wind again. Continuity of training is the great means of making the nervous system act infallibly right … It is surprising how soon a desire will die of inaction if it be never fed
3. Seize the Very first possible opportunity to act on every resolution you make, and on every emotional prompting you may experience in the direction of the habits you
   aspire to gain. It is not in the moment of their forming, but in the moment of their producing motor effects, that resolves and aspirations communicate the new ‘set’ to
   the brain.

Here is the link to the whole piece of your interested;

 

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/09/25/william-james-on-habit/

 

 

In essence to me, that means - create momentum of the change/habit you want to make. Make it public if possible. Commit to it. Practice it every day. Train the brain to think a particular way about it. Never falter and if you do, get straight back on the horse and don't lapse back. Seize the opportunity to make it 'normal' in your every day life. Until the brain makes it habitual. Until it becomes you.

 

Simple huh? Is it fuck but I'm prepared to give it a try. What else do I have to lose? Apart from face/dignity/pride?

 

As the quote from Aristotle said, "we are what we repeatedly do". So if I've been used to waiting, beating myself up, being negative, projecting the worst, thinking I'm not good enough, avoiding, procrastinating, being indecisive, feeling sorry for myself, under-earning, being jealous of other's success. That is what I become. It perpetuates this into the truth. It becomes my reality. Coupled with a massive ego and high expectations it creates chaos, unmanageability, unhappiness and almost perfect laboratory conditions to act out in addictive ways. It keeps me 'down there'. In the madness for want of a better term.

 

Yesterday. New Years Day was a good day. I wrote the blog. Got great feedback. Was ultra positive and hopeful. I did nothing all day (isn't that what your supposed to do when it's pissing with rain and you've got to bed at 7am) and it felt good. My head was calm.

 

I decided not to commit myself to giving up smoking, DC, sweetener & cutting down on this and that. I figured I will try to do it organically. Weaving it into wider changing habits/life/thinking patterns. There is much work to be done. I am aware 'The Inside Job' will not happen overnight, (though some nights I pray that I will have a spiritual awakening in my sleep, wake up with a new brain and be happy, joyous & free. But then I do actually wake up and sigh, 'fuck, still me then')

 

As it turned out I didn't drink diet coke yesterday and my desire to binge on sugary shit at 10.30pm was abated with a few Custard Creams, when everything in my body was screaming out to binge on 2 litres of ice cream, a trifle (large), a cheesecake (large) and 4 mars bar ice creams (my usual binge which would probably be puked back up.) Instead I had an inner conversation and for once exercised some self control. It felt good. It felt unusual and new.

 

On more mundane matters I was awoken by my girlfriends English Bulldog called Bentley at 4am this morning. He was trying to get on the bed and barking. I was in a deep sleep and remember thinking to myself, 'this is unusual', which was followed by, 'man he's farted and that smells of shit'.

 

I woke up and there really was a smell of shit, so I went downstairs to be confronted by what looked like an IRA hunger strike from 1976. A dog shit grenade had gone off in the kitchen. It stunk and was all over the place. Fuck me how could such a small bulldog create so much turd?

 

Welcome to 2014 Nicholas. In case your ego was running away with you as some kind of writing guru. In case you were focusing too hard on spiritually change there's nothing like a mountain of stinking dog shit to bring you back to reality.  

 

There was really only one thing to do that all good 41 year old sober men practicing a solid 12 step programme of recovery could do it that instance. I locked myself in the bathroom and let my girlfriend clear it up. I'm not that well yet. After all it's progress not perfection.

 

Together We are Stronger

 

Nicholas Evans 

 

 

The beginning of the Inside Job - Day 1, 2014

As the great Dylan Thomas once said, "To begin at the beginning."

It's New Year's Day. January 1st 2014. I'm sat at my kitchen table. It's 7am. I haven't been to bed yet and I'm demolishing my 4th can of Red Bull, 8th cup of strong tea (with 3 sweeteners) and 34th Silk Cut of the evening/morning. (May have something to do with the insomnia)

I'm 13 years sober this year, 41 years old, a recovering alcoholic, regularly attend 12 step meetings and in better shape than ever before. Everything on the surface looks Rosy. In fact at the party I was at last night, several people said, "you look like Beckham". Although a 13 year old boy slightly punctured the ego by saying, "You look like Beckham's dad." (I'm 41 Beckham is 38 so that's a bit of a blow, mind you Beckham never went through 15 years of alcoholism or been addicted to caffeine, nicotine, sweetener, sugar and sex - to my knowledge)

With every passing year of sobriety I have changed the way I look. The more sober I've got, the more I've exercised, changed diet, lost weight and looked better. When I hit rock bottom at 28 and went to AA I was a 16 stone ball of sweaty angry drunken bile. Now after 12 years, I look better than at any point in my 20's, 30's or indeed my life. Before sobriety people said I looked like Elvis, but not at his peak, at his addicted worst 'fat Elvis' just before he died. So in sobriety 'Beckham's dad' is a bonus at 41.  

What has this to do with this blog? Well, I'll tell you why. Because in 12 years of sobriety, regular attendance of meetings and what I believe to be a firm grip and insight into alcoholism and family/personal dysfunction, defective characteristics - I have placed nearly all my focus on outside forces to get personal happiness.

I have used exercise, food, sex, women, relationships, money, holidays, attention, DVD box sets, shopping, pornography - almost anything other than 'looking within for deep rooted change. It's so much easier for a quick fix. The Slightest hint of pain and self pity? Find a relationship, Quick. Feelings of low self esteem & fear? Push out a marathon & 50 bicep curls quick to head off the pain.

 

I am not diminishing 13 years of sobriety, careful not to wallow in self pity and self criticism. Beating oneself up is also a character flaw so easy to fall into. But there are certain traits, habits, thought patterns, behaviours I just can't shake or have picked up along the way.

 

Some change has taken place which is good of course. But I know it is an 'Inside Job'. The journey from head to heart is a long one. I am beginning to understand why the old timers said. "I wish you a slowbriety Nick." Deep change comes about in instalments. Gradually over a period of time. It is, as the American psychologist William James called, 'Spiritual Experience of the educational variety'.

 

Most human beings tend to change only when needed. I certainly belong in that category. It's stupid really. Why wait until something is broken before you mend it? Surely the wise ones head it off at the pass and avoid the pain. Me? Well I tend to have to smash myself into a million pieces before I even consider the possibility of doing something different.

 

I regularly go to my spiritual advisers and say, "my head's hurting and bleeding it from bashing it against the wall so much." They will ask, "Have you had enough pain yet and do something different?" I will usually reply, "Well the other side's not bleeding yet."

 

It has happened many times during my 13 years of sobriety and is happening now. This is the reason for this blog. I will write every day for 2014 to chart this journey of change. Let's have a quick look under the bonnet and see what's wrong with the engine shall we before we can try to do something about it.

 

As I said before I am 13 years sober, attend meetings, pray and consider myself a caring human being. However I imagined that when/if I reached 41 and 13 years sober that I would be much further advanced in my life than I am right now.

 

Professionally I'm a little rocky. The company I tried to get going last year is stumbling, money is tight and I am applying for jobs. 45 CV's were sent out and nothing came back. It made me evaluate my 'career'. Where is it? What is it? What do I really want to do? I am crippled by low self esteem, regret, financial fear and other beautifully helpful and complete waste of time emotions. I am in debt. Not hugely. But I have several outstanding loans and debts. Money will run out soon and I am worried., My relationship with money has been irresponsible and unmanageable. Feelings of failure are never far away. The awful habit of 'compare and despair' is far too easily accessed. All of these are a waste of time and designed to keep me 'down there' and in misery. You design your own life, create your own reality and that is one of my challenges in 2014.

 

I smoke heavily, drink massive amounts of diet coke, caffeine and shovel huge amounts of sweetener into my system every day. I gave up some of these for a short period of time but substitute one thing for another and have find it easy to fall back into old familiar harmful habits. I have occasionally suffered from bouts of bulimia and body dismorphia.

 

The result of all this? My health is suffering. My teeth are rotting, my gums are weak, my chest is wheezing and my body is breaking down on me. Years of abusing it, pouring chemicals into it, not sleeping and running marathons have taken their toll. My neck and back are in constant pain which is effecting running, exercise and my daily life. Whilst my body could withstand this abuse in my 30's, now it has hit it's 40's it's starting to say to me, "what the fuck are you doing? I'm not having that. have constant back pain you idiot and stop abusing me."

 

But none of that matters as long as I look good on the outside right?

 

I have been in and out of relationships. Veering between co-dependency, inability to be on my own, feel good enough as myself yet pretty much terrified of commitment. At regular stages I have courted attention, sex, women, relationships. Love me, want me, need me. If someone makes me the centre of their world that must mean I'm OK right? These have plagued me throughout my sobriety but boy have I covered that up. It's weak for men to admit that right?

 

I am currently in a loving relationship and attempting to change my ways, become honest, open and understanding. I like compromise, as long as it's on my terms. I clearly have a long way to go yet!

 

But one of my biggest Achilles heels? Negative thinking and low self esteem. These really pull me down and force a lot of the above behavioural patterns and habits. If you hate yourself at a core level then it makes sense to try and kill yourself by smoking as much as you can, drinking, ingesting, overeating, not sleeping, battering yourself with inappropriate relationships, situations, casual sex. It makes sense to under earn in your career. Not follow your dreams or stay lazy at the fear of trying something new in case you set yourself up for failure.

 

It is a powerful combination to have the highest expectations of yourself yet think your not good enough to get there. It is then the alcoholic ego is in full bloom. It has controlled me for much of my sobriety without me even noticing. But no More!!

 

I am noticing the ego now. I am acknowledging it's destructive power. I want to do something about it. I don't want to be driven by it so much. I am scared of what I will become. I have sense of security in the familiar. But fuck it, let's see what happens. Who knows I may become like one of those happy successful bastards, God help me  (and everyone else) 

 

I challenge my ego. I challenge my bad habits. I challenge myself to move out of them. This is what this blog is all about.

 

This blog is to chart the journey. I'm not sure if it will be a success. If I will stop smoking or harming myself. or move out of bad habits. I'm not sure if I will follow my dream of becoming a successful recovery coach, commentator, writer and help many people set themselves free of the pain of self.

 

I was asked several times last night by friends who have known me for years and call me 'ironman'. Having done several marathons, triathlons, ironman events, what my mad endurance goals are for this year.

 

This year my goals are to work on the inside not the out. I have to heal myself and my body before looking to do other endurance events. I have done all the ultra endurance stuff in the past to test myself and show physical facts that I can actually do what my mind said I couldn't. This year I'd like to take that process inside and heal from the inside. If I spend half as much time working on my spiritual condition as I do on my guns I'll be up there with Gandhi. Look out Depak Chopra, The Evans is on your case! (Nice outbreak of grandiose ego there) I'll be walking on water by Christmas.

 

I have begun chanting, starting a meditation course and am looking at yoga and other practices. This coming from someone who was barred from Bikram Yoga Richmond for arguing in class (I have written a funny piece on that) I am essentially an ego maniac cynic. My natural default setting is contempt prior to investigation.

 

But let go I must. And let go I will. The alcoholic ego is determined though. The committee firmly established, so it will be a tough job to shift them. It will be an interesting process. A fascinating roller coaster journey I hope you follow.

 

Why am I doing it? Is it because I'm such a show pony that I need the world to hear? Is it because I'm so desperate for attention? Is it because I want to be someone more than 'that bloke who looks like someone famous?' Maybe. I'm not so sure.

 

I have been driving myself mad searching for my direction. For my calling. Do I write a blog? Do I make it recovery based? Do I create a brand? Do I become a coach? Shall I write a self help book? Is it under my name? Do I try to become an expert? Shall I call it something clever? is it funny? is it smart? Do I build a website? Will people follow me? What do I say? Will it be good enough? And the list goes on ad infinitum. I could sit there forever and keep questioning myself until I do go mad. Disappearing up my own arsehole. Being self absorbed is so 2013.

 

The bottom line is how can I write a self help book if I can't help myself. How can I coach people in life, recovery or fitness if I'm not doing it myself? So I decided to write this self confession blog. This journal of self help. In the hope that it will help you. The rest will take care of itself. There is only one power who has the answer. Higher self, Higher power, God or Simon Cowell. Whatever you wish to call it.  

 

So that is what 'Don't You Know Who I think I am' is all about. I hope you join me on this journey in 2014. This is self help through edgy and funny self confession. If I can do it you certainly can because as I truly believe. The truth will set us free and together we are stronger.

 

So strap in, buckle up, sit tight and lets go on this crazy little journey called life together and see where we end up in 12 months time. I like the process of us being in it together. I like the fact people identify with my thoughts, my mind, my worries. People have mailed me, got in touch to share their experience. There seems to be a sense of freedom in me saying what others feel but have been scared to say.

 

This is my attempt to be totally true to myself, to fuck the fear and do it anyway and also become a world famous successful writer/coach in the process (OK that was my ego speaking) If I can help a few people along the way then that will make me feel tip top and if in 3 years time people can say, 'there goes Nick Evans, David Beckham looks a bit like him'. I'll be well chuffed

 

 

 

Happy New Year

 

Together We Are Stronger

 

Nicholas Evans