The Nick Evans Mans Guide To The Pub

The Nick Evans Mans Guide To The Pub

These are worrying times for men. Our role in society is changing. Men up and down the land are being emasculated. Is it therefore any coincidence that over 5,000 pubs have been shut since 2005? They are closing now at a rate of 12 a week. As the Great British Pub diminishes so does Man's masculinity.

The rise of metrosexual 'new man' has been shaped by the decline in the Great British Pub. 'Bloke in the pub' is now an endangered species. A dying breed. So much so I have lobbied English heritage to make them Grade II listed and placed on the WWF endangered species list along with people who speak on landlines and hand write letters.

Pubs were not just places to drink, to meet or be sociable. They performed a valuable role in the development of man. You went into them a boy and left a man. Albeit a flabby single one. Granted it took several years but you know what I mean. They were places of valuable life experience, knowledge, information & social dis-function. They were a counselling service, Samaritans, business advice centre & social club all rolled into one. If ever man was in doubt about anything he could go to the pub to seek other men for sage advice & simply to talk shit for several hours.

No more. Pubs these days have to cater to an ever changing world. They are either themed, full of teenagers binge drinking, serving poncey food covered in 'Jus' or 'family friendly' meeting places full of noisy kids and soft furnishings. Taxes, rates, cost of beer and the double standards of Government has effectively fucked the pub right up. Drinking is now too costly hence the rise of the gentrified gastro pub. It's all 'eateries', 'kitchens', 'grills' and 'dining rooms'. In the old days the only dining room was an open packet of Ready Salted next to an over full ashtray. A sad demise.

The men only saloon bar has vanished. This Male haven is no more. It used to be an oasis of calm, where men could go to stand in silence. Drinking. No chat, no fun, no 'Pinot Grigio'. The only food on offer was pork scratchings. The special of the day, 'liver chirisos'. It was like a meditation centre for men as they could seek refuge from the pressures of the outside world, nagging women and be comfortable in the drunken silence of other men. Of course they are all dead now. Prematurely from alcoholism no doubt.

With pubs shutting and the role of modern man being questioned. I thought it would be useful to provide a Mans Guide To The Pub. It's sad that a new generation of men are growing up thinking pub etiquette is buying coloured alcohol drinks that taste of candy or slow roasted Devon Pork with an Bramley reduction. It's time to Man up boys and learn from our forefathers in the art of Pub behaviour. It's at the very core of what being a man is all about. We should never forget our roots or heritage. These men literally gave their lives so the new generation of pub goers could eat jarred Pistachios with carefree abandon. Enjoy;

Put down your 'Nuts' magazine (& nuts). Put the lid on your exfoliation cream. Turn off X factor and Man up. Its time for an unashamedly one dimensional old school nostalgia trip. It's Your Mans Guide to the Great British Pub;

1 - Choosing the right Pub.

Avoid 'happy hour' or worse still 'Gastro pubs'. The only thing gastro you should get from a pub is Enteritis. Pubs are there to drink. Not eat. That's why God created 'AbraKebabra'. For solo drinking choose a pub that looks like it's been recently committed for demolition. Perfect isolation. If you are feeling sociable feel free to choose a pub with music. Be careful not to venture into the Walkabout or 'theme pub' area. This is like a living hell for old school man and creates strong homicidal tendencies. It is a well known fact that over 80% of spree killings happen after an all dayer in a Walkabout pub.

2 - Match the Pub to Your social standing

A useful psychological trick missed by most psychotherapists and counsellors. Choose a place that is lower than your social standing. This will boost your esteem and help you to live under the illusion you are better than you really are. This is crucial for Male pride and self delusion. Two massively important aspects modern man has sadly lost. By choosing a proper shit hole (or as we like to call it 'Wetherspoons') it will mean you can bounce along on the bottom without ever feeling you are doing badly, there will always be someone in the pub worse off than yourself, creating false feelings of 'I'm doing OK', when everyone other than you knows your not.

Be ultra careful not to choose a pub with well to do clientele. Avoid 'All Bar One' at all costs. If you do end up in one of these places it could make you feel utterly worthless and less than, as you look around twenty some things all doing better than you and having more fun. This could well send you into a spiral of depression, however you may content yourself in the fact at least you don't drink coloured alcohol and pretend you know about wine. Leave these bunch of Foxton cunts to their pretentious fun and return back to the safe haven of The Red Lion. Your feelings of superiority will soon return and you will congratulate yourself that you have indeed put in the hard yards at the pub not like those lightweights who will probably leave All Bar one, get married, have kids and live happily like most normal people. Be proud that you didn't take this path and instead stick to heroic masculine solitary alcoholism. Well done.

3 - Attire

Get your pub clobber right boys. Clearly if it is a social occasion you may want to dress to impress. This involves wearing something not from Sports Direct. It's a well known fact 88% of women do not get turned on by tracksuit bottoms. Particularly with normal shoes. This doesn't signify eclectic individualism. It signifies mental illness. Instead choose something unique, individual and stylish. Perhaps a pastel coloured Ben Sherman shirt. Be careful not to tuck it in. If it's topped off with a spider gel hairstyle and enormous gut you will have women falling at your feet. You are now ready to proceed.

If you are a more advanced hardened drinker. You will have your tried and trusted drinking trousers. These are more stained than a Jackson Pollock. Most will have turn ups to catch any spillage, peanuts or flecks of vomit. By now they have been worn so many times they will actually walk you to the pub and home themselves. They are a skid stained Sat Nav or as hardened drinkers like to call them, 'Shat Nav'.

If you are in early stages of alcoholism you may hold up your drinking trousers with a dressing gown chord. If you are in advanced stages you may just wear a dressing gown. You have now officially given up.

4- Getting ready

For a younger generation you may put some effort into your appearance. It involves washing, shaving, gelling up that hairpiece and giving your cock a lucky wash 'just in case'. A splash of 'farenheit'' and you're ready to roll. This is the best time in a mans life. Full of optimism and hope. The evening and weekend is in front of you. The world of the pub is yet to fill you with cynicism and bitterness. It is as yet unborn. The limitless potential. Who will I meet? Who can I chat up? All possibilities are before you. Enjoy this time men, for it doesn't last. Hardened drinkers will know this.

For hardened drinkers, getting ready involves checking for a pulse & breath. Optimism has long since passed. it's now about survival. Good luck you are now ready for the pub.

5 -  The Pub Pecking Order

You have to earn your right in the pub. If you are young it will involve standing in a group with your mates. Usually taking the piss out of solo older drinkers. Then you graduate to a table, where you may entertain your lady friend or girls. This is your sensible phase. Here the pub becomes an extension of your living room. You still use it for social purposes and may even use it as a starting off place before going on somewhere else. You may even eat on occasions or nip in for a quick scan of the paper & pint. This is the best period of Mans life.

As you become more experienced and a regular you graduate to the stool at the bar and once the barmaid says the immortal phrase 'the usual?' - you know you have made it. At this stage you will be on familiar terms with the other regulars and feel you have found the secret of life. You have graduated from boy to man.

This is pub Nirvana and you can seek out advice from other regulars on a multitude of subjects. Relationships, money, investment, politics, work, career, job, romance. By now you have total respect for the older regulars and hang on their every word like it's the gospel. Do not be fooled by them spending all their time in the pub and living in a bedsit being twice divorced and pot less. These men have sage advice and life experience. Watch out though they are merely trying to get you to follow their path in order to sub a tenner off you before Giro day.

After a few more years. You will join this merry band of solitary drinkers. You will graduate to your own seat in the corner stool or for exercise, stand at the bar, with one arm resting on it and foot placed slightly raised on a stool. This is a textbook Pub position and is in perfect bio chemistry with your body mechanics. Plus it's easier to keep your trousers up over your gut that way. Which by now will be bigger than a Harvester. You have Graduated and worked your way through the pub positions. Well done. You are a human equivalent of a 'lager top'

6 - Conversation

It is a well know fact that all conversations in a pub are factually incorrect. Be careful not to come over as someone who doesn't know it all. You must claim to know everything in a pub. Never ever use the phrase 'I don't know'. All experts can be found down there. If you need relationship counselling. Go and see Barry. He's been married 5 times and his 6th is divorcing him. If you need money advice go and see Dave. He's filing for his 3rd Bankruptcy.  The fountain of all knowledge in life is in the pub you just need to tap into it. It has performed a counselling role for many years, hence why divorce rates have steadily increased.

Of course in your early days pub conversation is full of banter, quick witted piss taking and optimistic chat about the future, life, fun, shagging, cars and holidays.

Then as you become more experienced you will sit or stand with a group of men all night and literally talk shit for hours. Nobody will remember what you discussed over the course of the evening and when you get home your woman will ask, "what did you talk about?" - you will say with genuine pride 'I have no idea'. Good work fellas.

Never let a fact get in the way of a good conversation. All good pub talk is based on ignorance and ego. The best form is Bar room philosophy and be sure after a period of years to bore the arse off anyone who will listen to your views on life and the world. Be careful never to actually do anything about them but make sure you endlessly say 'I will do that tomorrow'. The art of good pub conversation is never to actually put any of it into action.

Hardened pub goers and drinkers will have exhausted any conversation over a period of years and will now drink in total silence for hours. A conversation for these is no more than 'the usual Shirley' or 'can you lend us a tenner'.

7 - Women

If you are looking to meet a girl. It's important to Impress her with how much booze you can handle. Ignore her all night and wait for her to come over to you. Behave like a proper twat and she is bound to notice how funny, larger than life and alpha you are. The fact she left long ago with her friends without noticing you just means she is playing hard to get. Do not be put off. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

If you are thinking of 'chatting up' a woman, it is essential to get 'well oiled' 1st. It is a well known fact that men are at least 80% funnier, cheekier, more direct & knowledgeable when drunk. You may also impress her by throwing down some shapes when a good song comes on. She will be putty in your hands when she sees how funny and out there you are. Of course getting the blend right is important. Go too far and all she will be thinking is 'twat'. Know your limits.

Beware though men, gender roles are changing. The highest rise in problem drinkers is in 16-30 female drinker. You will see packs of young girls hell bent on getting steaming, dressed head to toe in 'New Look' terrifying men up and down the country in pubs and absolutely rinsing them of self respect. It is a well know fact that most girls think blokes are total knob heads and girls on the piss are brutal in their dismantling of the Male psyche. Watch out boys and stay well clear of 'happy Hour' or any pubs that sell 'Wicked'. You may never recover.

8 - Closing Time

A sad part of any pub experience. Time to leave & face reality. If you've done a good shift closing time is not a choice but a necessity. Usually an 8 hour session will end in the words 'your barred'. If you've gone too far you will wake up in a police cell the next morning with no recollection of how you got there. It's time to accept responsibility and blame it 'on a dodgy pint'. Still at least it's another bullshit story to tell the other lads down the pub, unless of course you've been arrested for attacking them.

Last orders were usually called with the guvnor shouting something illegible like 'aint you got no 'omes to go to time please ladies & Gentlemen". Which you would hear as 'Ain you gt nhmzzzz toggg to time plze lazzzesss & gntnzzss".

If you are not ready for reality and the horrors of tomorrow. Simply get a takeout and continue the party (solo) in your living room. There is nothing like being a legend in your own living room. This is where all the best ideas are formed (and forgotten)

If you are really lucky, you will experience the ultimate in drinking. The right of passage for any man. As last orders pass, you may get to hear the immortal phrase 'lock in' and join the secret society of the very few and become part of the merry band of true brothers. Sadly Lock in's are now few and far between and if you are fortunate enough to have one - they are usually only to play Giant Jenga. Man up pubs.

9 - Health

The smoking ban has made pubs healthier places to visit. Nicotine stained walls are sadly a thing of the past. However it's not healthy for most old school pub drinkers. They have been relegated to Wetherspoons or the off licence. You can spot these by their mobility scooters parked outside. The modern pub has affected the health of this drinker badly. They are now free to slip into alcohol related ill health silently in the comfort of their own warden controlled flat rather than in full view of the pub. They do not have the safety of public drinking to slow them down. Modern Man should remember these poor souls who gave their life over to drinking. Tragic heroes who stayed true to their roots and brandy chasers.

10 - Future - Post Pub

So you've been through the stages of the pub. You've come out the other side. You've graduated and now have a normal life. You took the All Bar One route & got married. You visit the occasional pub for a drink with a mate, lunch or dinner with girlfriend/missus. You may even enjoy a pub quiz or occasional comedy night. The new pub is a meeting place. A 'lifestyle' experience. You walk in and say 'this is nice' 'look at those sofas'. This is the future. The pub is now an acceptable haven of soft furnishing. Like a Laura Ashley window display. You have accepted your role as a new man. You talk about your problems, you spend more time with your woman, you are a good dad, your priorities have changed. You rarely go out, you are a provider, a good man, a new man. You have a thin little beard and quite enjoy Top Gear.

Well boys just remember the next time you tuck in your kids, share a glass of Chardonnay with your wife, enjoy a Gourmet meal at the latest Gastro Pub with life long friends or listen to yet another girly boy with whispy beard and preppy hair sing a lame cover version on X Factor.

Remember those men who helped you get into that Gastro pub. They died for that Sofa. They dedicated their lives to completely wasting it, pissing it all away. Furnishing  brewery's with their hard earned Disability Living Allowance and Housing Benefit so modern man could eat and drink in comfort of the Kings Head Pub & Dining House.

These tragic heroes. These men who understood little about women but made up that they did. These men who abandoned their responsibilities and dedicated themselves to the fruit machine, quiz machine, pool table, darts board & the bar. They Did so, so we could learn from them. So we could live a better life. So we could eat pistachios at £3 a pop. We owe them.

RIP Bloke from the Pub. You may have been a wasteful misogynist bull shitter but you were a real man. Whiny little fuck heads of today who sound like girls and attempt to get on Big Brother should take note. They were twice the man you'll ever be. Man up metrosexual man and Dial in it's time to get on the grid and learn the lessons from our elders. Which is basically do the opposite and you'll be alright my son.

The Nick Evans

The Nick Evans Guide to.....Meeting your Girlfriend's parents for the 1st time

A Man's Guide to Meeting Your Girlfriend's Parents for The First Time

You've just got into a relationship. You're happy. Everything is sweetness and light. The sun always seems to shine. Birds tweet optimistically. Traffic parts. Even annoying people seem less so. All is well with the world.

You date for a few weeks. Things go well. She doesn't seem to mind your annoying habits, She doesn't complain about you eating like a rabid dog, merely smiling sweetly at the food you get around your mouth rather than in it. She smiles sweetly when you don't listen and speak over her. She doesn't even seem to mind the little bits of pee you dribble on your trousers when you nip off for a quick 'piss' after dinner.  YET. Sometimes she even lets you mount her, so the time is right to meet the parents. Clearly she's a keeper.

This is a marker in the sand for any new relationship. It moves it to the next level. Of course some relationships don't need parental approval. Clearly if you've just met in rehab and your new boyfriend is a crack addict and pimp then it may not be a good idea to rush excitedly home to mummy and gush undying love for your new found beau. Such relationships can provide awkward silences around the dinner table or crack pipe.

Likewise if you've fallen for an older married man with 3 kids or if you're a bloke and have fallen for the 'one' who happens to have 6 kids with 5 different fathers and lives on more benefits than a Jeremy Kyle audience do not expect gushing approval.

There are some relationships where the best time to introduce them to your new partner is at the wedding or visiting hours in her majesties jail. You will know the right time.

Getting together with the right person is difficult. Most parents (other than the weird ones who don't give a toss about their kids) worry their offspring will choose the right one. As I'm not a parent it is tough for me to identify, however it must be really worrying to see your child pick a complete moron you know is not right for them and hasn't got the brains they were born with. How can you tell your loved up kid they are dating a knobhead and the relationship is doomed to failure on the account their new partner is a total fuckhead?

I guess parents have to let their kids make their own mistakes. When you take the plunge and introduce your new love to your parents (or parent) it marks a sea change in the relationship. It's now getting official. Families are being introduced. You have moved well beyond being 'fuck buddies', through 'seeing each other' into the now 'going out' status and this, other than a Facebook status update of 'in a relationship' is the official stamp. Surely Facebook needs to provide more options though to it's status updates for the modern relationship - 'single' or 'in a relationship' is just too narrow.

It doesn't cater for people with commitment issues or the casual dater. It certainly doesn't suit the bullshitter who wants everyone to know he's still on the market but is keeping someone sweet just in case. 'In a fuckbuddy relationship but open to offers', or how about 'in a relationship but I'm a lying twat - inbox me!' or even 'Single - see my homepage. You'll know why - desperate'. Or the 'Would like to be in a relationship but have commitment issues but too scared to admit it to anyone so I will have to come up with a whole bunch of bollocks to make it seem acceptable that I'm a lying toad'. Or the female status 'Single Over 30 and clock ticking - PLEASE!!! I digress.

It's time to meet the parents. You can put it off no more. So settle back readers. Pour yourself a nice glass of milk. Kick off those laboutins or hush puppies and enjoy the Nick Evans Guide to meeting your partners parents. A Mans guide;

1 - Timing

Clearly as a man you don't want to hurry into anything. Despite constant hints let her do all the running on this. Do not dismiss it by any means but you can employ good old fashioned stalling tactics. Phrases such as 'I want us to do it when we're ready darling' and 'what's the hurry' can be useful. Never use other excuses like 'fuck that' or 'I can't meet then I'm busy playing snooker'. I suggest an appropriate time to wait before meeting the parents and seeing what your new partner will turn into when you see her mother should not be too early, but by the same token don't wait too long. 3 years is the average Man time to wait.

2 - Location

As a man you have no say in this. Obviously if you are loaded it is at a poncy restaurant which you will pay for in a vain attempt to impress the parents and buy their affections. Clearly they will see through your shallow and ultimately selfish actions and realise you are indeed a twat with a large flat. This will not work. You have to let her choose the location, venue and time. This is a big deal to her Men so you must support her, nurture her and make it as comfortable as possible for her. Therefore Gently suggest not to pick a Saturday or Sunday afternoon so it doesn't interfere with your sport however nobly say if she is going to pick this time ask her to choose somewhere with a Big Screen TV and Sky Sports. That way you are showing sensitivity and that you are thinking of her. She will definitely melt at your selfless actions and immediately give you a blozzer and bake you a cake. Guaranteed.

3 - Preparation

You want to be at your razor sharp best to make a good first impression so definitely drink heavily the night before. Your sparkling wit and humour as at it's best when slightly sizzled so make sure you have an all day session and really late night in advance. It's best to get to 10 or 11pm the previous night before tucking into the class A's. You know your too drunk and don't want to make a show of yourself and your new partner so in order to sober up for the next day and balance it out with a few lines of Peruvian's finest and perhaps some Ketamine. This will straighten you up. Once you get to 5am and the birds are singing you know you've over cooked it. That is when you face that cliffhanging decision. Rack up a few more and pull out an all nighter or try to grab some fit full sleep before walking into the unknown with the full tremors and chemical comedown. It's a tough choice. Either way you've fucked up and will spend the next 40 years being reminded of how much of a twat you really are.

4 - Gifts

It's always best to take gifts along to cushion the blow, soften them up and appear thoughtful and lovely. Most blokes will go for the safe option and pick something up from the Esso garage on the way. Here's a tip for you boys - A Ginsters Pasty for Dad and Tea Bags for Mum will not go down too well. Splash out a little, nobody likes a meany. These could be your future In Laws after all. Treat them. Buy some Oil & a Yorkie Bar for Dad, no synthetic shit though. Go for the Castrol GTX and some £2.99 carnations for Mum & a Galaxy. You can't fail then. They are bound to be bowled over.

5 - What to wear

Of course most men have the dress sense of a vagrant. Their idea of looking smart is taking off their dressing gown. You will have to up your game here Men. Obviously your woman will attempt to dress you. Dropping subtle hints all week in the lead up to it by pressing your shirts, asking if your suit is dry cleaned and buying you a tie. Ignore this. It is important you stamp your authority all over this one and show her you have style and can be decisive and thoughtful at important social occasions.

You have a number of looks you can rock. Obviously your favoured one is your natural habit called 'slob'. Dragging you out of your Tracksuit Bottoms or combats is like trying to get the US out of the middle East. Impossible. But for this occasion guys you will have to pull a gem out of the hat and go for gold.

Clearly a suit is too much, plus it's a weekend and nobody likes to wear a suit at the weekend. Only for weddings and then the jacket and tie comes off as soon as she's said 'I do'. No, for this occasion Men have to show they have made some effort whilst retaining some hint of informality and casual feel.

There is only one thing for it Men. You have to go with a Chino. It's inevitable to us all that at some point in our life we have to go Chino. It happens to us all at some stage and you know as soon as they go on, your coke snorting, hooker hiring, rock and roll days are over. Once you get in the chino and jumper combo, the one where your bird says 'you do look nice' - it's over. Kill yourself now. We have lost you forever.

6 - Punctuality

If you are meeting your girlfriend and parents at a venue or their house, it is important you turn up on time. Try not to stop into a boozer for a quick 'livener' on the way and turn up 2 hours late reeking of Stella. Punctuality is important on occasions like this. Remember Men this is a test of your responsibility so do not fuck up.

Being late is only acceptable under extreme circumstances or an act of God. Things such as Getting to the final of Fifa Soccer 2013 on the PS2 or a plague of locusts is acceptable. They will understand.

Alternatively if you are on your way and happen to bump into to Chas & Dave and they invite you for a pint, (as happened to a friend of mine) it would be criminal to turn them down. Rolling up 4 hours late slightly drunk singing 'you've got more Rabbit than Sainsbury's" is perfectly acceptable on this occasion. You can even take Chas & Dave with you for a real show stopper.

7 - Conversation

This is always a tricky one. Clearly you have to conform to the social situation and tailor your chat accordingly. You must come across as calm, knowledgeable, sensible and interesting. After all they are entrusting you with their daughter and you must prove she is in good hands.

Try to stay on safe ground initially with the father like what road directions you took to get there. This is safe 'Man talk'. Stick to the MAIN ROADS. Don't be too flashy and talk about back roads and short cuts you are just showing off then and NEVER EVER admit to using a Sat Nav. This will immediately put them off you. You must earn the fathers respect. Other Man subjects such as cars, Gardening, Sport, DIY, Booze & Top Gear are acceptable. Try not to veer into politics or extreme right wing views. This will result in argument and fighting with her father. Save that for the wedding day.

Immediately compliment the mother. Saying things like 'Now I know where your daughter gets her beauty'. This will earn you immediate charm points. Never ever say the truth that is in your head, when alarm bells are going off as you see the vision of your girlfriend in front of you in 30 years time. These thoughts are to remain firmly locked in your head. No matter how many pints you drink NEVER let them out.

Keep the conversation light and varied. let them do most of the work. Try not to crack too many inappropriate jokes, hog the conversation, talk about yourself too much or express sympathy for the EDL. Any admissions of severe alcohol or drug dependency is best kept to yourself at this point, as is any criminal record, past infidelities and issues with commitment. Save these for the 2nd meeting.

When you do excuse yourself from the dinner table for the loo, NEVER come back and say 'that was a monster, I'd leave it 10 minutes if I was you".

8 - 1st impressions & Etiquette

Remember these people could be in your life for the next 40 years so 1st impressions will help to form the relationship. Always look them in the eye, check you don't have piss stains on your chinos & try not to man handle their daughter. Tongue kissing is not advised at this point or any reference to your BDSM sado masochistic games you've recently got her into.

Instead be calm, quiet and do not in any circumstance suggest a round of Tequila chasers after lunch. It is advisable to switch your phone off, so you are not constantly checking it at the table, or if SKY Sports is on in the background try not to excuse yourself mid conversation to go and watch Rochdale v Doncaster in the Johnstones Paint Trophy regional Semi final. Sky Plus It.

Try to be present, accessible and respectful. Do not get drunk in any way unless of course her father is a hopeless alcoholic. In which case your on a winner as no matter how badly you behave you will always be in shadows.

Always be attentive to your girlfriend. Sit next to her, support her, put her at ease, hold her hand, laugh at her jokes but NEVER EVER try to finger her under the table. This is not the right time. At least wait until coffee.

Try to ask as many questions as possible of your girlfriends past, history, upbringing and glean as much information as possible so you can piece together why she's so neurotic and ultra touchy. This will come in handy in later arguments. Remember Men this is a reconnaissance mission. Use it wisely.

9 - Success or Failure

It is in Man's favour for the meeting to go well. If it does your are virtually guaranteed anal that evening. Do not fuck it up. If it goes badly you can kiss goodbye to any 'rough and tumble' for a few days/weeks and you will have to resort to the tried and tested old back copies of Heat Magazine. The pressure's on boys - you must deliver

10 - Your Future

If she breaks off the relationship you know it didn't go well. She wasn't right for you and you should immediately move in with Chas & Dave. On the other hand if it does go well and your relationship blooms, well done. You have clearly mastered the art of bullshit and they are yet to find you out for the selfish, self centred thoughtless slob you really are. Let that come out after several years of marriage. By that stage it will be too late. Well done Men you have passed with flying colours. Back to the Playstation 2. You can leave that creosoting the fence to your future Father in Law.


If you haven't yet met your girlfriend's parents, do the opposite of above and you will be fine. Do at least 2 of the above and you can kiss goodbye to her forever. Do all 10 and it is clear you will be single forever. Good luck men. Do your worst.

The End

The Nick Evans

The Nick Evans Guide to White Van Man

The Nick Evans Top Ten Tips to being a White Van Man

Yesterday I helped a friend move. It involved hiring a tranny (we've all been there boys) although this Tranny was a lot cheaper and more economical than previous ones I've hired. For a start this one was a white van.

Now hiring a tranny is difficult. You have to choose the right one and make sure it's of sufficient quality to carry a heavy load. Luckily we got the right one. £40 for a day and use it as much as you like. A real bargain.

We hired it from Kendals, although sadly it didn't come with free Mint Cake (despite my hourly updates on that particular joke my mate didn't actually laugh at it all day) but it did come with the 3 seat cab, drinks holders, long gear stick and when the guy got it ready for collection. He looked over at us, threw us the keys and said 'this is your little kitty kat for the day'. This revealed a great insight behind men's attitude to a white van.

Something strange happens to men when they get in a big white van and drive in it for the day. It grabs hold of the male psyche and turns you into something your not when you drive a normal car. It reminds me of my touring days when I spent 3 years driving a van around the UK on comedy tours. It is legendary and so I'd like to welcome you readers to my Mans Guide To driving a White van. It will deal with etiquette, attitude, rules, regulations, behaviour and of course Male pride. It's all in here, so settle back, relax, grab yourself a Kitty Kat, put down Exchange & Mart and enjoy 'The Nick Evans Guide to Driving a White Van';

1 - Preparation of Male Pride

Everyone knows Men are born to drive. It's in our nature. Nobody trusts a man who doesn't drive. Even men who cannot drive, drive. It's more important to men to be a good driver than it is to be a good husband or father. As long as you know the way to Cambridge along the A11 then your OK.

Every man worth his salt knows the true test of masculinity is not in providing for your family, treating your woman like a queen or being top dog. It's knowing your way around the country on the back roads and NEVER using maps or Sat Navs. That is just failure. Men would rather drive around for 3 hours lost then ask someone for help. White Van man will never use Sat Nav, maps, ask anyone for direction or admit they are wrong when lost.

Be prepared for your whole ego, personality and outlook to change once you enter into the cab of a white van, perhaps it's being slightly raised in height above all the other car drivers. However, entering into a white van effectively makes a man feel utterly superior to every other person in the world even if his IQ is single figures and he struggles to spell the word 'twat' let alone understand it. Be prepared for it Men.

2 - Pecking Order

White Van men know the pecking order on the roads. The lowest is pedestrian. An irritant in the way at zebra crossings or traffic lights. For the white van man, these are otherwise known as 'roadkill'.

The next are cyclists, or as white van men like to call them 'target practice'. Yes we know Bradley Wiggins won gold in the Olympics doing it, it helps fight obesity and is good for the enviroment but White Van Men generally hate these morally superior 2 wheeled wankers. Especially when they converge on them at traffic lights in rush hour clad in neon clothing and lycra, disrupting valuable smoking time with arm out of the window.

Next in line are car drivers. These can be split into females, females with sports cars, females on school run, men who can't drive, real men cars, and of course the top of the tree Men with massively unnecessary cars who are merely making up for their empty lives and lack of self esteem and cock size by having a showy car that screams 'Look at me'. Trouble is everyone does look at them and think, 'twat'.

Up next of course is White Vans. There are several kinds. Small estate vans, (these do not count as they are effectively long cars, the same height as a car so white van man doesn't hold them in the same respect) then you get into proper White Van territory with Tranny or a Sprinter, High cabs, 3 seats, long gear stick and endless room behind the seats to pile up your empties and pasty wrappers. Finally there are the Luton Van drivers. They think they are the bomb. They are not they are Merely HGV wannabes. These are the lowest. Watch out for these wankers.

Then you have the mini bus drivers. Usually failed coach drivers or paedophiles.

Then you actually have Coach and bus drivers. Usually these are middle aged obese men with comb overs who smoke roll ups and wear their trousers underneath their guts. These are salt of the earth men who think dieting is not putting salt on their chips.

Finally the highest in the pecking order is reached. The Lorry Driver. Men driving enormous cabs decorated with scantily clad women and their football team colours. These are the real kings of the the road jungle. They will of course endlessly talk about 'carrying a heavy load' and mix a liberal amount of sexism in with a slight glint of homophobia and racism, but that is expected.

They will usually drive their cab in their pants in the summer and nearly always have heavy skids. Their ego is larger than the Load they are carrying although they will usually live in a semi detached in Kings Lynn and be at least 3 stone overweight. Be careful girls you will invariably bump into these lardy ego maniacs at swinging clubs.

3 - Uniform

To be a white van driver, even for the day you have to look the part. Therefore you must immediately nip down to your local Sports Direct and kit yourself out head to toe in Lonsdale or any alternative cheap sportswear. The clothing must be ultra tight around the gut region and any trousers worn must show at least 2 inches of bum crack.

The look white van man must go for is exactly as Martin Amis once coined 'dressed for the track but built for the pub'. Smart wear or any hint of individual style is frowned upon by White van man and anyone wearing anything slightly weird is immediately shot down as 'queer'.

You may complete the look with some kind of double earring, a spider gel fringe, tattoo up the arm and neck and of course ill fitting sun glasses from TK max. You are now ready to own the road. Proceed.

4 - Etiquette

Once you are in your white van etiquette is crucial. Clearing your throat for the days road rage is important. You must get your larynx nice and lubricated with endless mugs of tea so that you are able to shout 'wanker', 'twat' and 'knobhead' loudly all day long.

Also you must keep your fingers nice and subtle so you can flick people the V and curl up your hand for 'wanker' signal several times.

Keep your neck loose so you can shake it at female drivers to inform them of your complete disdain of their driving skills.

The usual road etiquette for white van men is NEVER let anyone out, always weave in and out of traffic, rev your engine higher than Jenson Button on the grid, always have your window down and look disdainfully at anyone pulling up next to you, park across 2 lanes so nobody can overtake or undertake you, always drive too close to cyclists and most importantly drive too quickly everywhere.


5 - Inside the Cab

The cab is your domain. Your throne to sit up on high and look down on the world (well the road anyway). Any van driver worth his salt will know it has to be littered with empty coke cans, pasty wrappers, half eaten bags of crisps, scotch eggs, fag packets, well thumbed copies of The Sun or Daily Star and the occasional mucky mag (old school)

Any white van man who introduces salad, water, organic produce, The Guardian or any other form of literature than ones that have tits on it is immediately struck off the list of Van drivers and will live in penance for ever more (Or Cheam)

The Cab is a haven of white van man and should be adorned as such.

If you have a drivers mate, conversation should stretch no further than 'pass me the pasty' or 'look at the jugs on that'. Any further conversation should last for no longer than 2 minutes and be controlled to white van man subjects like football, asylum seekers and beer.

Subjects like feelings, emotions, politics, women, insecurities, fear, sex are strictly off limits and will result in an instant white van man ban and 3 points.

6 - Diet

To be a white van man It's important to get the diet right. Your day should start off with a nice mug of tea and 5 rothmans. Then you must of course stop off at the café for a full English. Throughout the day graze on crisps, pasties, scotch eggs, cokes and more Rothmans. Lunchtime is time to enjoy a picnic in your cab, Perhaps push the boat out and grab a KFC or Macdonalds. Always eat it whilst staring out at passers by and comment disparagingly at all of them.

Once done either stuff the empties behind the seat or throw out of the window. Then in the afternoon repeat the morning snacking until when you reach the end of the day you have done 10,000 calories and have to be winched out of the cab by a crane.

White van man is oblivious to things like heart disease, obesity and healthy living. Their Healthy option range is smoking silk cut. All good white van men think healthy is for 'mincers'.

7 - Attitude

It's important to have a healthy attitude in the cab, Therefore sprinkling a little racism with sexism and homophobia is encouraged. You may listen occasionally to LBC and get irate at all the 'fucking liberals calling up'. You may express sympathy to the English Defence League and most certainly pin the blame at the countries demise at illegal immigrants and other such like. Women should be viewed with a mixture of fear and disdain. Any white van man worth his salt will understand fuck all of women and get every relationship completely wrong whilst believing 'she's lucky to have me'.

8 - End of the day

Once you have been sat down all day, doing fuck all, complaining at the entire world, feeling superior, eating, drinking, smoking and generally spilling hate and bile upon the world. You have earned your night off. So what does white van man do to celebrate the end of the day?

Go home and spend time with their woman? Nah of course not, you must go down the pub, sit down all night, do fuck all, eat, drink and smoke and spread bile and hatred of the world - basically take the Cab to the pub. You have earned it.

9 - Spirituality

White van man is very fond of the spirit world. Especially near to closing time when he gets on the Jaegerbombs,

10 - Resting Up

Once you have completed your day, driven home from the pub drunk. You are ready to crash. Therefore you have to park your van for the night outside your house. Except you don't. Try to park it right in front of a neighbours, blocking their light and of course their drive ways so they cannot get out.

Your van is a status symbol. It is a bastion of Bloke ego. It is effectively saying to your neighbours 'fuck you. I drive a van and I'm a bloke so you can fucking fucking well fuck off. I'm the daddy of this neighbourhood' - It's definitely not any kind of signal for others to think 'knobhead'


Of course it is time to rest that weary body. Your throat is dry from talking shit and smoking. Your hands hurt from the endless wanker signals. Your belly is full from the mountains of shit you've eaten and the gel is drying from your spider fringe making you look like someone had just cum on your forehead.

It is time for sleep white van man. Tomorrow is another day. what fun awaits. The world can hardly wait to hear your wisdom and interesting worldly views. Thank god for white van man

The end

The Nick Evans

The Nick Evans Guide To Running Your Own Business

Running your own business is a challenge. I commend anyone who does it, has tried, has succeeded or is thinking of doing it. It is a leap of faith. Scary. Exciting. Inspirational. Difficult.

If like me you have grown tired of working for yet another faceless corporate entity that cares little for your welfare or personal development then you are in the right place.

No longer do we want to put in 30 years service to get a carriage clock and a wet send off party. Most companies simply don't give a toss. It's about the bottom line and they will stop at nothing to fuck you over at the drop of a hat. That's business. It's fair enough. Just the way of the world. No point in railing against it. The only thing to do is action. That action is do something yourself. Run your own business.

Of course you can go down the one man band 'consultancy' route. Which is effectively a cop out. Relying on your personal bullshit skills lasting longer than the company employing your services finding out. A game of cat and mouse.

Then you can go down the 'franchise' route. Which again is effectively working for someone else with a fancy title. A safety net helping you do your own thing. This isn't really running your own business. It's effectively riding a bike but with stabilisers. Man up.

The real hard core inspiration launch something unique. Whether it be a service, a manufacturing thing, retail, IT, new idea, product or launch. Your own business is for the hard core and my respect is absolute.

This is what I'm attempting to do at the moment and it's hard. It's One thing having a good idea, totally another to make a business out of it. So I thought I would share with you my top ten tips for running your own business. So sit back, relax, put Sky + on pause, put down that Iphone, close the curtains, slip into your onsie and enjoy The Nick Evans Guide To Running Your Own business. If you are thinking of doing it, this guide may give you some handy hints;

1 - Conception

You have to start with an idea. Usually these come to you in the middle of the night surrounded by friends in the middle of a long and heavy drinking session. This is where all the best ideas come. Everyone knows that. The trick here is to write it down in a reasonably legible state so you can read it the next day. If you are drinking with teachers or doctors don't let them write it down as a monkey with no hands has better hand writing than them.

2 - Run it past an Expert.

Once you have remembered your idea, shaken off your hangover you are ready to proceed. Be sure to run your idea past a professional, or if you cannot find one, 'a bloke down the pub' will do. It is well known that 'bloke down the pub' is the oracle of all information and running a business idea past him is sound advice. Forget the fact he is kitted head to toe in Lonsdale clothing and is trying to sub a tenner from you until his Giro comes. He knows his onions on the business front and claims to have taught Richard Branson everything he knows. It must be true. Another Bloke down the pub said.

3 -  Business Plan

To set up you need a plan. It's important to know where you are going, what you need to get there and how much you can earn from your business. Most new business' fail because of a lack of tight and clear planning. It's best to put together several concepts and ideas in your head and when someone asks you where your business plan is, merely tap the top of your head, smile arrogantly and say "it's all in these top 3 inches sunshine".

For the more undisciplined it is also good to write planning lists for what you need to do to make a plan. This is called a pre plan planning list. It is best to do this endlessly and bore the arse off anyone who will listen and say 'I need a plan' every day whilst avoiding doing one. In the end resort to saying 'Fuck it, lets play snooker. I'll do it tomorrow'.

4 - Start up

Any new business person worth their salt will of course spend endless hours, time and money and getting the uneccessaries right before anything else. This usually involves a fancy logo, stationary, website, twitter feed, office, mood lighting, sofas & most crucially business cards. These are crucial in the start up phase as you can then impress people with the fact you are running your own company. They don't actually know you haven't got any business, money, orders, plan, funding, idea of where your going but your name as 'owner' is on the business card so it makes you look good and that's the most important thing of course. Status.

5 - Funding

A massive part of any new business. Clearly you try to ponce off as many friends, family members and associates as possible. Blinding them with enthusiasm, bluster and bullshit but little in the way of hard facts and figures. This usually gives you a few months 'poncing' money grace before the cold hard reality of those boring things like 'cashflow', 'turnover' & 'sales' rear their head.

Don't worry about that now. That's for the future. Any good business person will tell you not to forecast 6 or 12 months into the future. Live for today and as long as you have enough money for the coffee machine you'll be OK.

If you need to see a bank to secure a loan or overdraft, be sure to take your carefully constructed business plan that you've just written on the back of an Indian Takeaway menu. This is sure to impress the bank manager with your cavalier attitude and irreverence. Be sure to also tap your top 3 inches and come over all smug and arrogant. They are bound to sign off a £100k loan there and then.

If this fails you can always go down the investment route. Try not to target successful hard ass business people who will grill you for several hours and expect lots of preparation. Instead target frail and vulnerable wealthy individuals who are either senile or on the verge of insanity. Tip here is to make sure you get the signature before they are certified insane.

6 - Motivation and Discipline

Once you have set up and you are trading, for all self employed people the age old difficulty of discipline and motivation crops up. When you work for someone else it is almost mandatory to loaf around on their time pretending to work. Safe in the knowledge you will get your pay check at the end of the month. When you work for yourself you can piss about all you want, take time off and generally mince about like lord of the manor. Trouble is there is no pay check at the end of the month which of course leads to huge financial insecurity and fear.

In order to motivate yourself simply do a few shots at breakfast time. This will get you firing for the day then end up passively aggressively calling prospects with a vague hint of desperation in your voice. If this doesn't work take to reading endless self help books and business guru books on how to make a success of your business. This will eat up the working day and mean that you can knock off at 5 safe in the knowledge you have done something constructive in the day,

I suggest the Power of Now as a great motivating book. I got it several months ago but haven't got round to reading it yet. Instead I'm thinking of writing an alternative 'The Power of Later'. But I haven't got round to doing that either.

7 - Working Day & Time Management

Another tricky one for the self starter. It's always best to start the day with a positive. As soon as you wake up write a list of things to do for the day. That way you can castigate yourself at the end for not doing any. Be sure to keep adding to the list daily until you have at least 1000 items by the end of the week & your brain is totally fried and esteem on the floor.

Then after a long lazy breakfast & read of the paper switch on your computer. It's now time to work. Well after you've knobbed around on Facebook for a while and checked out funny clips of Dogs speaking like humans on You Tube. Then catch up on the latest sports gossip and text some friends it should now be time for 'Sweeney' and 'Minder' on ITV 4 which should take you up to mid morning.

Here it is time to squeeze in a couple of emails before you head to the gym. After all a healthy body means healthy mind. Tell yourself you'll go hard at it this afternoon as you punish yourself with a 2 hour work out. By the time you have had a post work out sauna, shower and lunch/coffee with a pal it is now mid afternoon.

Head home in time to catch 'Bargain Hunt' and 'Dickensons Real Deal'. If your lucky you may catch 'Grand Designs' on More 4 or 'Midsummer Murders' in ITV 3. This is known as down time to get your mind rested and clear to begin your working day, It is crucial at this point to put in a work call, Anything just try and make it some kind of work related so you can feel better about things for the day.

By now it is teatime and you are ready for some crumpets, cup of tea and the crossword. It is so important to keep your brain active. The 6 O'clock news distracts you from this, meaning it is the end of the working day and time for 'you time'. 2 emails and a phone call mean it has been a productive day and you should reward yourself with a bottle of wine or a night out with friends. Well done. You deserve tomorrow off.

8 - Sales

These are crucial in running your own business. If you have some then you have succeeded in the 1st challenge. It means you actually have a product & business. The main tip in securing sales is to do the minimum amount of work for maximum money. Be sure to actually take money from a sale. Don't fall into the trap so many if us do of when someone expresses an interest, note this down internally as a guaranteed sale and start spending wildly before the deal is done. It 'ain't a deal until the money's in the till.

9 - Customers

An unfortunate by product of a sale. It means you actually have to deal with people and be nice to them. The problem with customers is generally they want you to actually do something for the money they pay you. This can have a massive effect on your day and will invariably mean you have to Sky + Midsumer Murders or watch Dickenson Real deal on Iplayer.

10 - Cashflow

The thing that closes most new business'. You may have sales in the pipeline or the P&L sheet may look good but if you haven't got any cash then you can't trade. The simple way around this is to borrow heavily, live entirely on credit cards, ponce off as many people as you can, lie or attach yourself to a wealthy partner who can bale you out and help you continue your image as a self employed successful business person in control of their own destiny.

11 - Plan B.
It is important to have a back up plan in case your business fails. Euro Lottery.

I hope you have found some handy tips in how to run your own business. All you really need to do is the total opposite of the above and you are guaranteed to be a success.

Good luck fellow Business owners. This time next year Rodney's we'll all be millionaires.

The Nick Evans

The Nick Evans Guide to Life - Being Born

They say there are only 3 things that are certain in life. Birth, taxes and death. I have dealt with the subject of death. Taxes are something I have as much interest in as Simon Cowell does to low hanging trousers, so that just leaves the subject of birth. here is The Nick Evans guide to Birth.

I can't remember being born. I know I was because I'm sat here in my pants writing this but my memory didn't kick in until I was 4. It is impossible to remember being born, your brain isn't fully formed yet - besides there's a whole lot of umbilical chord and other stuff going on. Everyone else remembers your birth of course. I mean your mother spent hours in absolute torture trying to push you out so that would stick on the memory a little.

Birth is an odd thing. Some people are planned, some are accidents. Some have easy births, others torrid difficult affairs. We are all delivered onto this planet as tiny little people. Screaming, bawling bundles of baby. Empty vessels with everything in front of us. So many possibilities, hopes and aspirations. So many experiences and adventures. And then we grow older and become IT Consultants and wonder where it all went wrong.

Some people claim we are merely passing through lives. That we live this physical life but really it is a series of spiritual ones we live. Some people claim that's bullshit and that this life is the only one we've got.

Me? I'm not so sure. I'm on board with the spiritual concept. I do believe there is after life and there has to be more than just here and now. I reckon it's a tad conceited, ignorant and arrogant to claim otherwise. If this is all we have what kind of evolution are we? If the best we can do is Argos, Cheese stuffed Pizzas and Sky + then I reckon we're doomed forever. I have to believe there is more to life than just this. Having said that eating cheese stuffed pizzas infront of Sky + is wicked and Argos does sell everything you need, it just takes 4 days for it to get to the counter.

And what of pre-lives. Pre birth? Again I don't know on that one but it's always spooky getting De Ja Vu, or the feeling you have been here before. Personally I believe I was a dog in my previous life. I think like a dog, act like a dog and if I could reach would spend all day licking my balls. It's a no brainer on that score. I was a dog.

Having said that I don't go in for all that birth affects the way you are as a person bollocks. Whether it be a water, hospital or home birth I'm not so sure it has any impact on how you are shaped.

I do believe the 1st few days or months as a baby have a bearing on you as a person? Many scientific studies suggest it does. How you are nurtured, fed, showed the way can have a massive impact on your psyche. You may not be aware of this, it maybe subconscious but I think it does have an impact.

Take me for example. I was the youngest of 3 boys. My Mother was desperate for a daughter. In those days you weren't told the sex so when I popped out in a Nursing home in Llanelli in 1972, she was immediately disappointed to see she's had another boy. My Mum is too lovely and loving to be disappointed. She was delighted and of course full of love for her child. However she desperately wanted a girl so she effectively pretended I was a girl for 2 days. Dressing me up in pink and talking to me like I was a little girl.

Finally she pulled herself together and started treating me as a boy, but for 48 hours I was in fact a girl. Obviously with boys paraphernalia, however I was dressed as a girl which technically rendered me a tranny for the 1st two days of my life.

So did being treated as a girl for 2 days have a lasting effect? Well I consider myself to be an old school bloke who happens to look like a modern metro sexual queer. I look pretty camp but underneath I'm an old school sexist misogynist (all guys are when it boils down to it) - Don't get me wrong I'm well up for equality of the sexes and all that but ultimately when it boils down to it. Blokes should drive their woman, open doors, carry the bags, sort out the rubbish, put up shelves and talk bollocks with other blokes most of the time. It's in our DNA)

Having said all that I'm quite partial to a romantic comedy, have been known to cry at the occasional Meg Ryan film and really like chicken drumettes. Sometimes I love nothing better than a long hot soak and I'm ultra dramatic and hyper sensitive. In mitigation I'm shit hot at reverse parking and I can generally catch something thrown to me.

I'm not sure if it did have an effect. I am very sensitive to a woman's needs and have spent many years being considered that dreadful term 'ladies man', which is basically another term for a low self esteem knob head insecure little boy who needs the validity of lots of women in order to make himself feel better and boost his male ego. I should know because I did it for many years. Not now though people. #NewMan.

So does it actually shape us being born? Are we born as we are or do we learn certain behaviours? Nature or nurture?

Some people claim they were born into the wrong family and didn't feel they belonged. Some people believe they were born in the wrong era. Some people were abandoned when born or endured a horrible childhood. Some were loved and some were not. Does any of this mean anything?

Clearly it must have an impact, however I'm not one to lay that blame game entirely at the door of birth and childhood. I believe we are born with certain personality traits or defects just as we are born with certain colour eyes. It is all genetically and spiritually mapped out how we are born. The rest just helps to shape you no matter what environment or situation.

Clearly if you are nurtured, encouraged, loved and taught it will have an enormous baring on your future direction and human code but it's not the be all and end all. Some people are born with terrible physical or mental disabilities. Some with genetic imbalances, addictions or other traits we did not ask for or know about. It is harsh and unfair. Why are some luckier than others? Why why why is the eternal question there simply no answer for and I believe the real pain is not being able to accept this. That is where the conflict comes. The internal angst. The deep unhappiness. Non acceptance for what and who we are.

I for one hated myself when I was a kid. All my family were Welsh and as I far as I was concerned spoke like a combination of Richard Burton and Ruth Maddock. I on the other hand spoke like a combination of a bloke who worked in Burton's who ate Haddock. I was home counties see.

My parents moved from Wales to Maidenhead when I was 9 months old. I never had a chance to develop that Celtic lilt that all the Chic's love. Instead I had an accent I hated, it sounded to me like I was in some kind of low grade Sit com like Terry and June. I was gutted. I wanted to sound like a poet, a scholar, an actor. When I visited family in Wales they thought I was English and when I went to school in England I wanted to be Welsh. I couldn't win. Even now when I go home to Wales distant family members ask me if I support England or Wales. I'm fucking Welsh. My roots, my soul, my family, my DNA is forged in Wales and I am welsh. I love mobility scooters and high fat sugary foods and girls in leopard print leggings who hang round Asda. How more Welsh could I be?

I held onto that resentment for years, well into my 20's without even knowing it. All spurned from birth and events I had absolutely no control over. So my point is birth does have an affect on you, but it's my responsibility as an adult to do something about it. Only recently have I learned or am beginning to learn who I am. That is where the peace comes from.

I hear people play the blame game for years and it's fucking annoying. I did it. Yes some have had it awful and hard and of course deserve empathy and sympathy but there comes a point when you have to draw a line and accept, recognise and use it in a positive fashion. I was angry for years because I simply couldn't accept myself or who I was. I never even knew who I was, still don't most of the time. But I'm beginning to get a better handle and fuck me, it makes life so much easier.

We are born with a set of cards that is up to us to play. You may believe in a higher power or not. My role is to try and play my best hand as often as possible. It's effectively a massive game of Life Top Trumps.

When you're born your given your hand. You have your trumps. A certain size, looks, hair and physical traits your genetics determine, You will have a mental capacity and personality that is pretty much determined. Of course learned behaviours, education, training etc will shape these but you've pretty much got your deck of Top Trumps already. They change throughout your life but For instance my top trump when I was a kid was height and humour. I scored highly on those so I got in the sports teams and was generally well liked. Ego was fed, security & status gained and I felt OK.

However I scored low on self esteem and man tits. These were very low affecting my inner confidence and ego. Those took a pummelling when I was young. I could do well in life until my Trump of man tits was played, usually in P.E and down my mental state went in a spiral of embarrassment and ego deflation. No amount of high trumps on other areas could win. I was doomed.

Point is they were the trumps given when you were born. I love how they change over time but these are the 1st trumps your given. It's up to us to change them over time. I'm glad to report my Man tit trump is gone. 

Then of course there are the people who are 'reborn'. To most people they are viewed suspiciously. Born again Christians have a bad press, usually because the people who are Born again Christians are ultra scary. If they were like David Beckham for instance or Beyoncé, well then Born Again Christians wouldn't have such a bad image - but they are usually the kind of people who rarely blink and wear alternative knitwear. Ones to avoid.

That is not to say we cannot be reborn. I'm actually onside with that whole concept. We can go from one thing to another. We can radically change, alter our lives and be 'reborn'. Either through religion, changing lifestyle, losing weight, altering an attitude, finding love, stopping drinking or other means.

It's just most don't preach endlessly about it, raise their hands to the sky with their eyes closed and be massively annoying. having said that reformed smokers who have been reborn can go and fuck themselves when preaching how bad it is for you. Though I do look forward to joining you in the future. #Hypocrite.

I'm not a parent so I cannot write about birth from giving it perspective or instigating it, though I've had a few near misses, but I'm told it's painful and amazing in the same degree. I guess when you are a parent it totally changes your view of the whole thing. Many say child birth is a miracle and I guess in most cases it is. Just in my opinion there's far too much of it.

I'm not too sure it's a miracle when 12 little child birth miracles come out of the same family.. Is that really a miracle. isn't there enough people on this planet anyway without bringing even more unwanted ones into the world? Another little child support miracle.

Some little fuckers don't have a chance. Born into problems and end up becoming one. No fault of their own, just a mix of genetics, circumstance and society. Anyway I digress, this is not a social commentary or a political rant. There are better qualified than me to tackle that subject. All I will say is that for me birth is to be cherished, wanted or loved, not to knock out another little miracle to add to the collection and be named after a Jeremy Kyle programme. (Lazy of me to lapse into stereo types there but you get my drift.)

On the whole I'm well pleased I was born. I like my life. I quite like me in most parts. Some days I have dark times but on the whole I'm pretty fortunate not to have terrible problems physically or mentally. I'm certainly fortunate not to have been born with them. Sure I was born with the alcoholic Gene but there is help for that. Of course at certain times when I was an annoying horrible teenager I would strop and say 'I wish I was never born'. The trick is not to carry that into adult hood. Nobody likes to see grown adults throw a strop in Waitrose. It looks ugly. Aldi is fine though. Almost expected.

If I was never born I would have missed out on so much. Chesney Hawks, Argos, McFlurry's, Cheese on Toast, Rubics Cube, the new Daft Punk album and 3 way sex to name but a few.

Thank god I was born. Thanks Mum for giving me life. Just why did you have to dress me up as a girl and address me as 'Nicola' for 2 days. Now I've got the urge to listen to Shania Twain and I must go, my bath is running and I've just lit my lavender and peach soaked candles. Still I'm so pleased those first 48 hours never effected me. Now how do you spell Laboutin?......

The Nick Evans

The Nick Evans Guide to Negative Thinking and Low Self Esteem

Have you ever suffered from negative thinking and low self esteem? I do. Not much of course. Only around 2-20 hours a day for 40 years. It's a little like an annoying friend. The sort of friend you hate but are familiar with and no matter how many times you try to shake them off they always come back. Either that or nasty haemorrhoids.

Everyone, even the most confident, suffer from self doubt and fear occasionally. We all do right? It's a natural human emotion. No different from joy, laughter, arousal, fear, worry or anxiety. Of course some people seem never to have it. Looking to the outside world to have the ultimate confidence and 'rule book for life', like they know exactly what they are doing and where they belong. Some describe these type of people as confident, focused or single minded. I like to describe them as bastards.

We wouldn't be humans unless we experienced a full range of emotions. It's what makes us alive. Invertebrates don't have a brain, or a mind and therefore do not experience emotions, feelings and thoughts. These can usually be found queuing up for tickets to watch Britain's Got Talent, or working in Aldi.

We humans have a brain that is as complicated as a flat pack wardrobe from Ikea. Millions of neurons and motor functions all working overtime to produce our movement, smell, senses, perceptions, information, behaviour, speech, feelings and emotions. Essentially we are all the same yet totally different. Varying personalities, characters and people. Most of us share a common cause in living daily on this planet, some to lesser or greater degree. What makes us unique is the DNA, chromosome and genetic structure that goes into making us unique, yet sharing a human experience.

So why do some of us who walk this earth suffer from such negative thinking and low self esteem? Is it a genetic imbalance? Is it a perception imbalance? Is it learned behaviour from an early age? God knows - I'll leave that one to the boffins. All that I know is that I have had it for as long as I can remember and it's a proper cunt.

So what is it? Of course a healthy dose of fear or worry is normal. I mean if your faced with a tiger on the loose it's natural to be scared. By the same token we all suffer from a little 'compare and despair' as envy, jealousy and fear just show we are human. We love to feel a little better than the next person, or a little worse. It's not healthy as I operate at my best when accepting of everything and myself and just get on with things.

But what happens when that head kicks in? People who suffer from low self esteem or negative thinking will know & understand.

The brain is such a powerful weapon. One not to be underestimated. You maybe experiencing something truly great, or just feeling OK, when that head will kick in and from nowhere the voice will come over the loud speaker in your head and say 'it maybe OK now but it won't last and your still a piece of shit'. Fucking hell, thanks for that head. Your a real help.

Sometimes the head won't shut up. It's Like a permanent Radio Shit FM playing inside. Classic tracks such as 'not good enough' or 'it will all go wrong', 'they are better than you', 'you'll never amount to anything' play on a constant loop with the current chart topper , 'might as well give up' played the most.

Radio Shit FM is dreadful, worse than Heart FM. Even the DJ's  are ultra annoying. It's like having Dermott O'Leary live rent free in my head. Still at least DLT has been arrested for noncing so that's one less problem.

The Breakfast show on Radio Shit FM  wakes you up nice & early with a couple of blinding tracks. 'Oh god not another day' and 'what will go wrong'. This sets you up nicely for a feared up, negative day. Of course you do everything in your power to prevent this. There are certain techniques you can employ to reduce the noise. Morning meditation, prayer, exercise, positive affirmations, ultra hard smoking or in some cases Tequila. Unfortunately Radio Shit FM has an answer for these playing the track 'oh fuck it why bother'. If your lucky these techniques may work but when the fear is on you, they are generally short term fixes and by mid morning FEAR FM is back on full blast.

The lunchtime spot is usually reserved for the subtle annoying tracks such as 'mild fear and paranoia' or the beautifully arranged 'loser'. Subtle and gentle negative tracks that chip away at your day.

By the afternoon, you may have got on with work, either in your office or at home. Of course it is always better to work with lots of people so you can't have the radio on. But if you work on your own, at home, in a small environment or if you don't work at all, the radio is generally on half blast. Tracks such as 'your going to lose this job and run out of money' or 'what you do is bollocks' waft over the airwaves. The only thing to do in that instance is take solace in Pot Noodles. Alternatively speak to someone and tell them about the radio. Trouble is nobody generally wants to hear someone moan down the phone so us British like to just bottle it up and soldier on alone in uncomfortable negativity.

One thing you should never do is turn the radio off and flip on daytime TV. 'A place in the sun' or 'Escape to the country' or worse still 'Vanessa' will undoubtedly get you reaching for the Vodka and Aspirin. So it is best to stick to the wireless. Better the devil you know.

Drive time on Radio Shit FM is a joy. Usually wittering on with some mundane low level negative chatter interrupted with stellar tracks like 'you've nothing planned tonight that's how shit your life is'. In those instances it is usually best to do something.

Some like to go to AA meetings, some to the gym, home to the family or in most cases to the pub/home for a night of heavy drinking. This of course is a double edged sword. It will undoubtedly get rid of the noise for a while. Even temporarily make you feel good enough, or even better than everyone else plus optimistic and relaxed as you drain more alcohol. However the Radio is just waiting to return even more savagely at a later date. This technique is just delaying the inevitable. Not advisable. I should know I did it for 12 years. For those of you who want to really go for it just add drugs. A stimulant such as Cocaine will heighten the feeling of being too good and amazing. However the crushing Shit FM will return even louder. Watch out.

The evening show is a heady mix of 'I wonder what my ex is doing' and 'I bet she's found someone better'. Always good to mix in a bit of blinding jealousy and obsession whilst comparing yourself to someone else and coming off 3rd best. This is standard fayre to the negative thinker. For those of you who really have a bad head a few minutes doing this is just not enough. In order to get yourself in a really dark space your head craves you have to sharpen that obsession for around 6-8 hours. By that stage your head will be satisfied with your complete lack of perspective and you will be nicely hyper ventilating and on the verge of a panic attack. Radio Shit FM has done it's job then and is ready for the night shift.

The Night shift is of course the money shot. The loudest part of Radio Shit FM. It's relentless and loud and naturally forces you to suffer from insomnia and stay up all night. This is where it really fucks you up. The middle of the night is when the head really cuts loose. Tracks such as 'you really are useless', 'everyone else has a better life than you', 'why do I deserve this?' and the 3am favourite 'kill yourself'.

These are of course mixed with the late night phone ins - Radio Shit FM loves you to have multiple voices after all. Then there are the other special Night Shift features such as 'Action replay', where it constantly replays bad incidents from your life over and over again. Then a new feature is added, usually at 4am called 'Social Media'. This is a new edition over the past few years, where they guide you through people's Facebook, Twitter or web pages so you can see how good a life they are having, how an ex is better off with someone else or how bollocks your life is compared to yours.

By this stage Radio Shit FM has got you exactly where it wants you. Of course you can try many things to prevent it or fill up that low self esteem. (none of which work) These include;

• Drink and drugs (short term fix long term destruction and desolation)
• binge eating (short term fix but long term obesity causing more self hatred but the Pringles taste good)
• Pacing around (good for Obesity bad for your carpet)
• Pornography (Potential RSI of the wrist and ultimately ends in dissatisfaction)
• Endless one night stands or twisted sex (satisfies that need to be desired and self destruct - but is tricky to find constantly and ultimately soul destroying)
• Gambling (just very dodgy ground and best to avoid)
• Love (Big subject - I don't love me so if you do I'll be OK. Wrong! Doomed to end in failure)
• Relationships (as above, a very common one this - surely hooking someone in will fill that need in you and make you feel enough? - Yes in short term but placing too much importance in another person will ultimately drain them of any feeling for you and force them to reject you making you feel alone, unhappy and even worse long term.Radio Shit FM will come back worse than ever)
• Outside affirmation (Can be received in many ways - From 'Likes' on Facebook updates, compliment fishing from strangers, members of the opposite sex, appearance or prestige. Ultimately worthless this one. yes of course it's great to get recognised for something good or looking good but if the reason you do those things is for a pat on the back it's just not going to satisfy you. Works for around 2 minutes then you go back to feeling shit again. Next!)
• Power, prestige and money (Not something I have experience of but very common. Easy to feel good about yourself if you earn fuck loads, have a massively important job or are defined by your career. This may work for years but ultimately if you're a piece of shit inside it won't fix it)
• Material goods (Love this. Surely loads of clothes, cars, gadgets and cool stuff will make me feel good? For a few days or hours yes but then it soon wears off. What then? If you are defined by what you own and how you feel the world outside perceives you then you really are a shallow cunt and a piece of shit. Either sell everything or kill yourself)
• Fitness (a tricky one this. Of course being healthy and looking good is commendable. Doing physical goals or tasks can help with motivation self esteem and make you feel good about yourself but if you are doing them to run away from yourself, your head and your feelings it will only make you feel OK for a short while, the process of training will help you avoid your head for a few weeks or months but it will come back. Can be boiled down to running away from yourself - 2 Ironmans and 9 Marathons can testify to this. I know my onions)
• DVD box sets - (A great way to lose yourself and weeks of your life. I hate me so I'll make that box set my family for a while. Again nowt wrong with enjoying something but if you watch back to back series one after the other for 72 hours straight your avoiding life and the head is just waiting until the final episode before it says 'All finished - I'm back again you cunt!!!')
• Group sex and swinging (sounds good doesn't it? Well it isn't. Ultimately soul destroying and dull. Like a cheese and wine party with PVC. Avoid)
• Medication (advisable if doc prescribes it and you have more than just a negative head - like depression or bi polar. seek medical help and don't feel weak for taking it. I know people who's lives depends on it, just don't let a mate or you prescribe yourself.)
• Positive affirmations (Advised by counsellors in the past. Look in the mirror and say I love you' you are good enough. OK in principal but in practice you feel a proper knob and Radio Shit FM just comes on loud and drowns it out with 'No your not your a cunt'. Not for everyone)

These are just some of the techniques you can employ to overcome low self esteem. I have tried nearly all of them and I can safely say none of them work long term. Some work short term more powerfully than others. But you have to go through this experience for yourselves before getting to the bottom of the list. Before you are so utterly desperate and ready to try anything you do the one thing you always said to yourself you would never do. The one thing you just know will not work. You finally give up and turn to;

• Prayer/God/Faith (Oh God, surely not. Your kidding me right? You know the worst thing about prayer? It's the last thing on the list. The final throw of the dice. When you have exhausted all the other things. Sending up a few prayers to something you don't know exists isn't going to work is it? Well everything else doesn't so why the hell not. May as well give it a go. Guess what. It does work. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not in a direct way you can see. But the annoying thing about prayer, God, Faith, no matter what in, is that the fucking thing does work. It maybe through someone coming into your life to help you (Eskimo) or through a change of mindset or circumstance. Whatever it maybe faith and prayer can certainly help to nourish you inside and change your thinking.

After a life long battle against low self esteem and negative thinking. I still have my bad days. My head is still out to get me. It still wants me separate, feeling less than, giving up, avoiding, not doing the things I want, should or could. It wants me alone. It wants me negative. It wants me miserable. It is a destructive force.

Is it because of messages when I was a kid? Is it because of a dysfunctional childhood? Is it because I'm an alcoholic? Is it because of circumstance?

The answer is who knows. Does it really matter? I know many people with awful childhoods who do not have this head. Alcoholism is an inside job so I know that doesn't help. But I know people who are not alcoholics who have this head. So I guess it's just the way it is. I was born with blue eyes just as I was born with a dodgy head. There is no point running away from it, trying to find out why, bemoaning it.

No, I think the best thing to do is accept it. Shrug it off, say it's there, lots of people have it. Be honest and open about it. Write about it and learn to try and live with it and employ certain things in my life to help it.

Good diet, rest, positive actions, exercise, social life, interests, spiritual connection and thirst for learning all help. Isolation, sloth, drink, drugs and all the other things above I listed do not. It is easy when you are in it to want to self destruct and not look after yourself. After all if you hate yourself so much why on earth would you do good things for yourself or others? It's logical.

So I do not blame or criticise people for their behaviours if they are in it. It's just something some people have. Ultimately though you have to put in some action to arrest it. Change it. Alter it's course. That may take a few hours or days but ultimately it's the only option and it can work.

I have spent 40 years pursuing outside things to fill up the large empty black hole of self hatred and low self esteem. I've been looking in all the wrong places. All along it was inside. It was in me, in a faith. In a higher power. For me it's not in a religious sense. Nor am I being all preachy and wanky here. Just that in my experience in the last couple of weeks I have been thinking long and hard about my head, my patterns of behaviour and what I do because of how I am. It's come as a massive shock. Those who don't know me wouldn't know anything about all this. Even the ones who do rarely know what goes on deep inside.

I hide it well but trust me deep inside is a soul sickness that's so utterly powerful it rules my life and determines my behaviour. It's deep, it's subtle and people can go for years undetected - but it's that low level unhappiness, dissatisfaction and esteem can work. It makes you do behaviours that cause ultimate unhappiness. It's just that some of us hide them better than others and never show the outside world.

This may not last for long and Radio Shit FM may be back tonight or tomorrow and I am sure it will dog me for the rest of my days but just for today it's abated. It's turned off. There is a new noise in town and that's one of openness and light. I can't explain it. I'm not sure what it is. I'm scared it will go and to feel good enough on the inside is a new feeling. Is this nonsense? Will it go? Am I just fooling myself? Don't worry the head is still murmuring and ready to pounce but for now it's locked away like a little gimp in a cage and shan't be let out today.

An American Psychologist William James once wrote something that makes sense to me now. He wrote;

"A man has to be physically, mentally and spiritually crushed until he can take on new ideals. Once he has been placed in that position it is easier to employ new principles. To be crushed is not the end. It is the beginning".

The crushing does not have to be dramatic. A rock bottom in any type of behaviour doesn't have to be the worst dramatic thing. I had so many when I was drinking. Arrests, hospitalisations, fights, arguments, dramas. Yet it wasn't the big thing that brought me down it was just a realisation one day that I was fucked & didn't want to do that anymore.

I have learnt in the last 2 weeks that you can have a rock bottom in other areas of your life. In emotions, Inside. In your head. It doesn't have to be big and bold and dramatic. Just small little pebbles of understanding dropping. Ultimately it's just sometimes you have enough of being the way you are and want to change it. I have been praying for years for a change and it feels that way at the moment. I really hope I'm not tempting fate here and making myself look an idiot and setting myself up for a fall. But right here, right now. Today this is how I feel and I hope it continues.

I love everyone who has a dodgy head. We're all in it together brothers and sisters. You are not alone.

The Nick Evans

The Nick Evans Guide to Shitting Yourself During the 2013 London Marathon

**WARNING**

 

THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED. INCLUDES REFERENCES TO ILLNESS, TOILETS, DIARRHEA & SELFISHNESS.(I will warn you when the grim parts are coming)

 

 

London Marathon. Sunday April 21st 2013. This is my account of the day from morning to night. Some parts are touching, some parts grim, some parts you may find boring, some parts full of vim. However you can guarantee one thing. It is a brutally honest account of my 6th London Marathon. It wouldn't be my style unless there were parts of it you wish I hadn't  written. Here goes. Strapped in? Comfortable? To paraphrase the great Dylan Thomas, To begin at the beginning...

 

The Alarm went off at 6am. I woke to the most beautiful bright sunshine. Not a cloud in the sky. Everything was set for a truly iconic day. It was here. It was now. It was sunny. It was London Marathon day, Hooorayyyyy!!!

 

This one was going to be special. The eyes of the world were on London. The memories and solidarity of Boston were bright. The pain and suffering caused by the tragic bombings still fresh in our minds. Today we would all be in it together. Runners, crowd, media, elite, the whole marathon world was coming together to show human solidarity over human vulgarity. It felt a special day.

 

I had registered on Friday at the huge Expo at the rather annoying located Custom House (Royal Albert Docks). You get the buzz when you register. Lots of messages on the vast Adidas wall to do with Boston and personal messages of why people are running in memory of loved ones. That is when the sheer scale of the day really hits you and you get a special sense of emotion, excitement and adrenaline. This is what it's all about.

 

 

 

There are also stands and stalls selling everything from running products to massages. It's like a huge airport departure lounge except with fit women in Lycra & energy gels. For me it is awful as i am the worlds most gullible impulsive spender. I'm not happy unless I've done £200 on something I may only use once. It gives me a proper thrill (I am an addict after all)

 

I came away from the Expo (bearing in mind having done loads of Ironman triathlons and marathons so I'm fully stocked with 'kit') with a new bag, running compression socks, shorts, hat, rock tape and sweatbands. I had to pull myself away from the compression shorts with in built ice pack for £85. God that was hard to do, however i left in good spirits & £100 lighter. I was in though. An offically registered starter. Number 33,480.

I was excited for the big day. I prepared properly. Cut out the diet coke, reduced my smoking from ultra heavy to heavy, ate clean, did yoga, stretched, slept and rested like never before. I felt good.

 

On Saturday night I feasted on salmon, veg and sweet potato. Then i did mistake number 1. I ate lots of things i hadn't eaten before and wasn't used to digesting. Flapjacks. Those little fuckers are like crack cocaine and boy did i tuck in. Before I knew it, this little over eater had done 6 of the sodding bastards and felt stuffed. No matter, i consoled myself with the fact they would give me lots of energy on the big day and slept like a log.

 

And so to Sunday. I woke early to bright blue skies & immediately tucked into some porridge. Then mistake number 2. I finished off the flapjacks. Oh god those bastards were so good. I couldn't leave home for 90 minutes though. 3 goes on the khazi until i was satisfied i had completed the traditional marathon runners morning Constitution. I won't go further but it is a much under rated part of preparations. A full carb loading stomach means the propensity for stomach problems is rife. Little did I know this was to prove my undoing hours later.

 

Then Mistake number 3. A clever dick ironic funny post on facebook .A kind of fake prayer. It said, "Please God let everyone who is running & watching have a safe day, to enjoy it and feel at one with each other. Oh and please god don't let me shit myself and ruin my self obsessed carefully crafted image". Oh how I invited trouble. Will I ever learn?

 

Then it was off to Greenwich Park for the start. I hopped on the tube and was immediately impressed with the London code of not saying anything to anyone on public transport. Even though there were other runners, we all ignored each other like it was a commute to work. Not a lot of Marathon spirit on my tube. I tried to strike up a conversation, but that was met with short shrift so i settled into listening to hardcore drum and bass to get myself hyped up. Mistake number 4. Never listen to pumped up music for a marathon. That should be for an explosive event. Instead i now realise i should have gone long and slow in my music. Something like REO Sppedwagon or even The Verve. Instead this hardcore got me dancing around the train like I was on E and i couldn't wait to run. Needless energy expended.

 

Mistake number 5. I popped a couple of Ibuprofen and Lemsip Max to iron out my annoying cold and painful back. I'd taken some on my long run a couple of weeks ago and it was fine, but you should never mix medication. Despite me doing 5 London Marathons and 2 Ironmans I am still a knob head and sometimes just lose my brain and think i know best when really i don't. I should have just stuck to the basics but oh no, The Nick Evans had it all under control. Or did he?

 

I refrained from my usual routine of cramming in several cigarettes on the 10 min walk from station to park. Once in the park it is a sea of mass hysteria and excitement. People rubbing, prodding, changing, warming up. It is a great sight. I changed and was ready to go. I changed next to a guy called Steve. He took a little longer than me but it pretty much summed up what the day was all about. Although I'd be gutted if he beat me.

 

 

 

Then you throw your bag into the truck, have several pees, jump over the barrier towards the front of the mass group (15,000 people) and wait for the countdown. This is when it hits home how big the race is. It's huge. An Incredible amount of people. We all put on our black ribbons in honour of those who were killed or injured in Boston and had a 30 second silence in their honour followed by 30 seconds applause. It was poignant and emotional. A moment I was proud to be part of. Solidarity to you Boston.

 

It was now 10am and the Virgina London Marathon 2013 officially started. Well the elite did. Mo and the boys went off first and my group took about 5 minutes to get over the start line.. We were off!! Let the fun (and pain) begin!

The start is always a nervy occasion. There are so many runners it's hard to get any kind of pace. I had left my watch at home so I decided to run 'on feel'. I had my previous best of 3 hours 37 in the back of mind. Someone had bet me £400 for my Charity if i could do it. I'd been injured for most of the winter, was under cooked in training but I felt good. I felt strong. I felt euphoric and I really enjoyed the first few miles. I would see how i go. Taking in the scenes, the crowds, the sound systems. It really was a celebration of life. The crowds turned out in force, almost in defiance of what happened in Boston and it was the busiest I'd seen in my 9 years of doing it.

I kept a steady pace. Not too quick. Saw some friends on mile 2, fed off the crowd. Keeping my head down, doing the occasional High Five with a little kid on the side. Really the marathon doesn't start until Mile 13. The first half is all about pacing yourself and enjoying it whilst you can. Keeping energy in reserve.

I got through Greenwich on mile 6, Cutty Sark and the crowds were just enormous. Even through Rotherithe and Surrey Quays. The noise just intense. Then you get to Tower Bridge on Mile 12 and you float across. I saw my family and had a quick hug and then it was eyes down to half way in 1 hr 54. I decided to slightly quicken my pace a little just to see if I could get ahead of the game. This is where it started to go wrong and so the story turns.

I had been getting a stomach ache from mile 10. Thinking it was a bit of wind, i carried on but it kept getting worse. Worried i may 'do a Radcliffe' i refrained from trying to shift it - the consequences were dire and I couldn't trust myself. I'd just have to live with it.

On mile 15 i found my energy draining, getting the sweats and stomach worsening. 'Oh god I'm in trouble now', i thought. Mistake Number 6. I took an energy gel and ibuprofen to get through it. In hindsight an idiotic move.

**WARNING. THIS FOLLOWING BIT IS GRIM. YOU MAY WANT TO LOOK AWAY **

By Canary wharf and mile 18 i had slowed considerably and was in big trouble. I needed a toilet. I was definately going to shit myself. Gurgling, cramping and pain shooting through me. I felt sick. I was ill. Oh fuck me no. Not here. Not in front of 30,000 people. Not with 8 miles to go. I thought to my Facebook update - 'Please God don't let me shit myself..hahaaa.'. Well here it was Nick. You were about to. Who's laughing now. With your self serving supercilious updates. Fuck you facebook!

I looked around, people were lining the course. No toilets, no quiet places, no pubs or restaurants as the crowds were 20 deep. Oh god no, you're going to be Googled as 'the bloke who shit himself at Canary Wharf'. I could see it now. The carefully crafted self obsessed image. All the hopes of being taken seriously as a writer, comedian, compere, comedy club host, businessman, actor, David Beckham look-a-like. All dashed, I'd be forever pointed at wherever i went as that bloke that squatted in front of crowds, families and kids and shit a river. Oh god, please no. "I can't do it in front of people2, i thought. They've come to watch their families running and support runners, not my arse with torrents of brown laser".

I was in a world of pain, just about carrying on through Canary Wharf until Mile 19 then there I spotted A miracle, A mirage. 10 portaloos!!!. Oh my God. It was like a mirage of green in a desert (they were actually Green) - I staggered up to them mouthing gratitude under my sickly breath.

Opening the first door I was confronted by a scene from turd hell. Oh god it was like a shit grenade had gone off in there. I immediately recoiled in horror, slammed the door shut and tried trap 2. Exactly the same. "Oh fuck what if they're all like that?" Trap 3, 4 and 5 were rendered 'impassable', i was running out of options and panic was rising. Then I saw a girl come out of Trap 6, "nice one, i thought, A girl is bound to only use a clean one". My theory was proved correct and in I went, Thank God. AHHHHHHH.

To give you an idea, I was averaging 8 minutes 40 a mile for the 1st 18 miles. I took 23 minutes for Mile 19. 14 minutes of that mile was spent in the portaloo. A World of pain.

I came out and started running, thinking, "well that's not so bad I'll still try and beat 4 hours, that's cleared the decks". And so i thought for 1/2 mile until the stomach gurgle came back, the energy went and I felt sick. Oh god 6 miles to go and I'm in bits here.

The urge to shit my pants was strong but i held on. Performing a world record clench. I carried on a slow run for the next few miles until i was forced to stop and walk on mile 22 for a few yards, leaning over the barriers and retching. "Oh Christ I can;t be sick in front of 1000's of people", i thought. That's not a good look. Luckily i didn't but i felt so very rough,

I started running again, along limehouse onto the embankment. By now the crowds were fever pitch and huge but there was a sheet of glass between me and them. I couldn't engage. I couldn't take it in. I couldn't feed off them. I had nothing left. I was spent. Thoughts of quitting seemed so good, but then i couldn't face anyone then. No i had to continue. Another slow jog until mile 23 when another sanctuary in the Blackfriars Underpass. More portaloos. Oh fuck me YES! Thank you Lord of Portaloos.

Same scenario as before, but this time I wasn't so fussy. I would have shat in a sewage tank the state i was in. Another 10 minute pit stop and then out,  chugging away. I saw people I knew but i wasn't really aware or able to communicate, heavily cramping and dehydrating i passed the London eye, (I was going slower than it) and saw the Houses of Parliament. Only a mile to go. Oh please help me make it. Please don't let me finish up the mall with turd down my legs. I'll never get on tellie then.

I turned into Parliament Square and the runner in front of me buckled and collapsed to the floor. Legs gone. Eyes rolling he was delirious. I knew the feeling. For a moment i thought of joining him, but i stopped with another bloke to check he was alright, we gave him a gel (Please i don't want to see another fucking energy gel as long as I live), squirted some water on his face and then i have no idea why i said this or where it came from, but i heard the words come out of my mouth to the other guy 'lets carry him. We have to get him to the finish'.

We hooked his arms around us, flanking him either side, carrying his weight and trotted on. Fuck me the crowd went wild. All runners passing us saying 'well done' patting us on our backs. "good on you mate", "That's the spirit of the marathon"

"Oh fuck me yes. Of course. This is it", I thought. "This is the reason I've done it. This will pull this horrible marathon out of the bag. Forget about selfish personal bests. Forget about individualism and selfishness. This is human spirit. We have to get Josh across the line. It's going to be the enduring image of the marathon. It will be huge. Front page photo. Tellie. Interview with Colin Jackson. The true meaning of humanity was right here, right now" and then he started passing out.

Nightmare. I talked to him, kept him awake, telling him it was OK, willed the crowd to shout for him. Bless him his legs stopped working. We were 600 yards short on Birdcage Walk. Less than half a mile to go. We could actually see Buckingham Palace.

"Fuck, don't wilt here Josh. You're our fucking saviour. Hang in there pal". I said. The other guy said 'no more', his legs had gone too. I considered for a moment carrying him on my shoulders, single handedly. That would definately make tellie and the media. I reckon I would get a few interviews and speaking tours out of it. Together we are Stronger would be my Mantra. I would be the spokesman for humanity and togetherness. Me, with a stomach bug, sick, dehydrated carrying a half conscious man over my head across the finishing line. That's a front page right there.

And then Josh started to fit. Fuck it was all over. The dream had ended. We got the paramedics, they sorted him out, wrapped him up, got him conscious. He was OK but his race was over. Mine had 500 yards to go and i was disappointingly forced to finish at a crawl anonymously, with no fanfare, no sick man on my back. No interview with Colin Jackson, no media photograph. Just me, my ill body and dodgy guts. Barely able to stand.

I staggered across the line, apparently had my medal hung around my neck, collapsed into the portaloo's (Heaven, they were sparkling fresh) My London Marathon was over and I didn't shit myself.Thank God.

I collected my bags, got changed, staggered to the meeting point to see my family, collapsed into them and couldn't speak for ages. I was spent. Totally gone. No pictures, no videos, no joy. No euphoria. Just need to get home to a toilet.

I was ill for the rest of the night (and next day) and if I'm honest embarrassed by my time. I expected a lot quicker but on reflection it was probably one of my greatest achievements to actually finish. When you are Ill like that the place to do it is on your sofa in front of 'Loose Women' and 'Flog it'. Not with 8 miles to run on a marathon course in baking sun in front of Half a million people. It was harsh. Never again.

I made some stupid mistakes. I'm a right twat sometimes but never did i think i was going to get that reaction. In hindsight i wouldn't have taken anything, kept it simple and gone old school. Still never mind. It's over now. I raised £1500 for Action on Addiction, my superb charity who were there supporting. I enjoyed half of the occasion, i got called David Beckham 16 times on the way round and i helped another human being for 700 yards. Not all bad.

If only Josh hadn't  whited out it could all have been so different. Instead 125 people will read this blog instead of 125,000. Oh well at least it's good for my ego. God knows best. I did learn though that deep down i am a good person and did practice what i preach in helping another human, but what is really fascinating is really deep down, so deep you wouldn't see, is an inherent selfishness and sense of delusion that is quite staggering. Only an alcoholic can think of speaker tours and TV under the guise of helping out a stricken runner. My selfishness makes me smile.  Weirdly I can only see it when sober and that Ladies and gentlemen is why I run it for Action on Addiction.

No more marathons for me now. 9 is enough. I'm sorry for a lot of toilet talk but that was my experience of the London Marathon 2013. As i said, it wouldn;t be me unelss brutally honset.

#TogetherWeAreStronger (that would have been world wide trending on my speaker tour Twitter page if only Josh hadn't fucking well passed out - he was so Selfish!)

Peace and Love

Nicholas Edward Evans

xx