Day 231 - Fri 31st Aug - Hol Blog Day 5

It’s the end of the month, transfer deadline day, Full moon, beginning of September and day 5 of the holiday. Fuck me, that's an awful lot of things in one day. There must be some kind of weird lunar spiritual axis going on. Maybe that's what happened in Jan 2011 when Liverpool FC spent £35 million on Andy Carrol. Maybe that's why I've been so out of character peaceful and mild. Something is clearly happening in the cosmos.

 

The moon was stunning last night and i can’t stop looking up at it and thinking of Neil Arsmstrong. It reminded me of a nice joke i read on Twitter yesterday, ‘Neil Armstrong kept on cracking bad jokes about the moon and when no-one laughed, he would say “you had to be there”’ It made me giggle.

 

The tan is coming on nicely. I’m basically Dickinson Light. Yesterday was whats known in the professional sunbathing fraternity as 'turning day', You've done all the hard work early doors getting a base tan, now it's time to cash in & crisp up nicely. A light mahogany/beige is what you are aiming for in order to launch yourself into a full Dickinson tomorrow and then essentially go the colour of a turd on days 7 and 8. I’ve got the goose fat from the buffet so we’re all set.

 

I did a cheeky little mountain run for 35 mins at 11am in extreme heat, i know it sounds insane but i really like it. Went a new way and it was totally stunning. I truly love it. Followed it with 5 hill sprints on the entrance drive to the hotel. The guards were looking at me like i was a total knob, thinking ‘what the hell are you doing that for?’ – To be fair i was thinking exactly the same though it makes me feel better. Sort of purifies me, flushes me out if that makes any sense? Like a healthy senekot.

 

Then it was down to a hard afternoon of laying on the sun lounger with a book about psychopaths. Nice chilled holiday reading, though i just couldn’t settle. Everything was all wrong with the lounger. The angle just wasn’t right. All the way up, or half down, so you lay down horizontally but at a slight tilt. Just couldn’t get comfortable, so i lay on the front but the loungers are at just an angle that it cricks your neck after 10 Min's.

 

I spent 2 hours fidgeting and trying to get the perfect angle, slowly getting more annoyed. Finally in a fit of temper i abandoned ship all together and lay on the floor. That was concrete though, so i soon abandoned that. I was having serious sunbathing rage, apparently it’s a common condition and one on the increase. Nothing was comfy so i went for an ocean swim in a huff. A good idea when looking out to sea, but not so good when in it. I swam half a mile out before realising i was totally knackered. Pride stopped me towing a lift from a passing pedalo full of large women and kids, so i slowly swam back looking more like a dog doing a front crawl.

 

I thought of all the heroes in the pool of the Paralympics. Of the guy with no arms competing, i thought of all the pride and courage and dedication and i’d like to say that spurred me on, inspired me to kick for shore, but i though ‘fuck that i bet they were elite athletes before i’m struggling here’. See even on holiday i’m still a selfish self obsessed ungrateful arsehole sometimes. I must be getting better. The insane fury's returned.

 

I finally hit shore, feeling like i just swum the channel, i looked back expecting to see the marker i’d reached to be way the distance, i was ready to congratulate myself on achieving such a monumental feat, but it seemed about as far away as the pool bar. Deflated and defeated i trod back to my uncomfortable sun lounger, which on closer inspection i discovered was broken, which was the reason it was at a weird angle all afternoon.

 

I could have discovered this earlier with a little patience and thought, but oh no, cunty bollocks here would rather make life well difficult for himself and create misery and anger for 3 hours than simply find a solution. Point is, no matter where i am or where i go in the world i always take me & my head with me. Sometimes me is just a total fucking div. But that's Ok.

 

The Rest of the day was spent trying to write material for my comedy night. Especially about turning 40 and the Olympic games. I struggled but got 1 decent joke out of the 2 hour session. It’s so hard for me to discipline myself and sit down and try to write, you just have to do it but King Procrastinator finds almost anything else to do rather than what i should be. Time for a change maybe?

 

We had a quick bite to eat in the buffet restaurant before going into Town, and we came across God getting stuck into the Kebab Grill. He had a massive white beard, like a sort of hippy Uncle Albert. I thought this hotel was good, but that just sealed it. It must be if God stays here.

 

I also noticed the diet buffet, a small, stand alone buffet segment, which was empty, naturally. In fact i’ve not seen anyone near it all week. It has really plain rice, chicken and fruit. I suppose anyone paying all inclusive is going to give that a massive swerve. It is conveniently placed in between the huge desert buffet and the grilled meat, pizza and chips section, all of which are packed out every day. Perhaps they are ticking a box, but it's not very appetising.

 

 

 

I'm not really sure why they have it though, i mean the food here is naturally grilled and BBQ'd meat, fish and the salads and veg are amazing. I'm doing Paleo (mostly meats, fish, vegetables and fresh ingredients) but that is mostly whats on offer here. Of course there is all the usual shit too, and I've noticed in ALL Inclusive most people go for double helpings of everything, basically eating around 6 platefuls and a double desert. Still good luck to them. I would certainly join them if i could.

 

The evening was spent doing the Turkish Bath thing (got to really havent you?), which after a hard day in the sun is excruciating. It's a bit Like getting rubbed down with sandpaper, though the foam and massage was groovy. Then it was a Turkish shave at the Barbers, where they burn the hairs in your ears and nose off – Now that i’m 40 i’m getting plenty of those. Weird, but why at a certain age does your hair decide to grow from places you really don’t want it too. I mean where the fuck is it coming from? Is it dormant for years before you wake up 40 and your body says ‘aha. I’m gunna fuck you up now and grow mutant hairs out of your ears, nose, back and join  your eyebrows so you look like a rapist’. Yuk.

 

Picking my nose is like rooting through a hamster cage and my bogeys are like furballs. Oh joy is this what i have to look forward to, now i rapidly head towards middle age? Nightmare.

 

I kept up with transfer deadline day, an odd day when it's reported minute by minute like it actually matters, but you are weirdly compelled. Will my team sign anyone? Who's leaving? Lots of fake rumours on Twitter and wall to wall coverage. I kept in touch on the beach and certainly didn't see any action. In the end Liverpool signed no-one and sold a few so all in all it was dull.

 

In fact that last sentence was dull. I don't know why i wrote it. It's because i didn't know how to end today's blog, which if I'm honest is a bit too long. Erase the last sentence from your mind. pretend it didn't happen. In fact i deeply apologise for wasting 12 seconds of your precious time. You could have spent it doing anything. Watching a repeat of the 100m final. Doing 10 press ups or quickly masturbating. I'm so sorry. I'VE LET MYSELF, MY FAMILY, THE WORLD OF FOOTBALL, THIS BLOG, TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY, SKYSPORTS, THE LOT down. I'm so sorry.

 

I'm off to admonish myself for such pointless sentences. I must learn. Keep it short. Keep it simple and end in a straight to the point way.

 

Bye

 

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