New Years Eve 2016 and all that......

So here we are again folks. New Years Eve.

Jesus. I remember when the millennium was such a big deal. It's scary to think that was 17 years ago. I'm proper old now kids.

There's no doubting New Years Eve is massively over-rated. Pubs charge a fortune on the door, restaurants are packed and mundane parties are in abundance. False bonhomie is the drug of choice.

Many a time I have been stuck in a party I haven't wanted to be in, singing 'old lang syne' (badly) with people I didn't know who also couldn't remember the lyrics or what they meant.

Many give it a swerve. Staying in to watch on TV or go to bed before all the nonsense begins.

Others gather at houses to get wasted and eat yet more grub after the Xmas excess.

We are all different. I don't want appear a killjoy. I'm all for spending time with family or friends and seeing in the new year and also chilling alone and letting it pass. I'm not fussed either way.

It's much different from years ago where the night was seen as a good way to injest as much alcohol and drugs as possible, surfacing several days into the new year with a hangover that seemed to last a year.

My first sober new year in 2001 was truly horrific. I was 3 months sober, trying to hang on desperately to sobriety, in the grips of a full blown obsession with an ex-girlfriend (I didn't know what co-dependency was back then but fuck me do I now!) and running around London with a mate who was also in his early days of sobriety going to various meetings trying to keep away from the need to drink.

We ended up at an all night meeting in the East end, with a collection of old people dancing badly to some 60's hits. When the clock struck midnight, a dodgy piper in full kilt and garb walked in playing old lang syne. I looked at my mate. He looked at me. We shared each other's horror and thought. "Our life is officially over."

It was fucking horrific. I then spent the next 2 hours moaning to him that my ex-girlfriend hadn't texted me and created a scenario where she was out with a multi-millionaire having a great time, whilst I was stuck in Sadsville with no life or hope (she was in bed ill, on her own for the record)

My insane jealousy, alcoholic head and co-dependency was in full flight. But you know what. I didn't drink, we got home at 3am and I will never forget that first sober new year. It was the first of many. I'm glad to report they have improved over the years.

Some people are sad at this time of the year. Staying in alone wanting to be with others. Some are social creatures who love to be with people and enjoy the banter. Whatever you are, you are enough, you are Ok and you are a legend. DO NOT FORGET THAT!

So, what has your year been like? 2016 has been an odd one. We've lost some famous singers and artists. But does that REALLY affect us? It's not 2016 taking them it's the years of drug and alcohol use and the toll of fame and excess.

What has really disheartened me about George Michael, was a 53 year old man dying as a result of terrible addiction and a full denial of it from management, family and media. How the fuck can a 53 year old man die peacefully in his sleep. Why can't we have a proper open and honest society where addiction or alcoholism isn't seen as a negative or a dirty word but as a thing as normal as cancer? Why does it have to be hushed up or ignored?

The reaction to his death has been profound and interesting to say the least. His PR, management, press releases and family have asked to respect the privacy and not debate on such negatives if he was on drugs or how much they played a part in his death. HELLO?!!!

Was it not that denial of the truth that was part of the problem in the first place? The poor fucker was at the middle of it. Yes I know that the addict has to want to get well. Yes I know it has to come from within. Yes I know all of that. There is nothing you can do to stop them if the addict is hell bent on self destruction. But what you CAN do is accept it. What you CAN do is not deny it exists. What you CAN do is learn about addiction. What you CAN do is bring it out in the open as a problem no different from cancer.

It truly gets my goat that the ignorance and demonization of addiction continues, it seems celebrity deaths shine a light on such ignorance and denial further. GGGRRRRRRRRRR.

It may not save people from dying but it can certainly help family, friends, you and me be in a better position to help others help themselves if we know what we are dealing with. Surely it's time for a different dimension?

Anyway, rant over.

2016 for me was an odd year. Some good, some bad. I worked hard at a corporate job that was well paid, only to find at the end of the year corporate life isn't for me and I didn't enjoy it. That job passed and then the financial fear kicked in of course.

Another year passed without me achieving my dream. Purely because I've never really known or pinpointed what my dream is. If you don't know what it is how the hell can you shoot for it?

On the plus side, I have a little more money, I became a spin teacher, got a few more months sobriety under my belt, began writing again, met some wicked people and my life is better for it.

However on the negative side, the old habits of smoking, sweetener, diet coke, eating disorders, relationships, lack of focus, avoidance procrastination and fear based anxiety continued to haunt me. I began to realise they started to really affect my life at 44 in a way they didn't at 34.

I guess I've been like most of us. Go with the flow, get a job, get paid, do some enjoyable shit, do some less enjoyable shit, pay some bills, fuck around on Facebook, have family occasions and eat too many Quality Street at Christmas and then we arrive back here again. New Years Eve. Fuck!!

So, you know what? This year. 2017. I'm going to do some shit. I'm not going to say exactly what. But I will make 2017 a year of 'Into action'.

The blog will be written again, the book will form, I will make strides to become a motivational coach and my 'dreams' will be closer to reality than before.

I have spent so long in negativity. So many hours spent wasted. Time for a new way forward.

I'm not going to lie, I love a bit of procrastination and putting shit off until tomorrow. My bad habits aren't just habits but anchors to my living. They are not so easy to just stop. So I have to accept there will be a bit of that going on. But I make a commitment, right here and now that 2017 will see a year of action for The Nick Evans and it will look a whole lot different in 12 months time.

I hope you follow my journey. Because I am you. We are all in it together and if I can do shit, so can you. I believe in you. I just need to believe in me more!

I'm not going to suggest make resolutions. We have every day to do that. It won't harm you writing down some goals for 2017 though or planning things you'd like to achieve or do. It could be holidays, kids, marathons, fitness or health. Whatever they may be - let's just do them!

But lets do it holistically. So it becomes part of our life. As they say in AA, Easy does it but do it anyway.

The last thing i'll say for 2016. Something I've been thinking about over the past few days.

Why do I want to do things? If I smoke lots, drink tons of DC, eat badly at times, really screw my health up - is that not self sabotage? Many people who have kids or something big in their lives - change bad habits because of a higher purpose. Like a higher calling.

I was thinking for me, if I don't value enough in me as a reason to change and live a better life - what will be my higher purpose to do shit and change? To get on with things and stop waiting? To stop hiding behind fear and limiting self belief?

If my higher purpose isn't the best for myself then what? Get a child? Get a dog? I have seen people get these things thinking it will 'fix' them and it hasn't. I know that a purpose has to come from within. But I have witnessed two people do remarkable things this year for someone else because they had too. It was their higher purpose they would never have done for themselves. It was incredible to see. They would not have been able to do it on their own. But because they had a higher purpose it drove them through their fear and they did something they never thought they could and would do.

It showed me our limiting beliefs can be broken if we have a reason that drives us on. I've never really had one myself or known what it is.

And then it struck me. My higher purpose is you!! Yes YOU!!!

I love writing, I love doing blogs, I love speaking. I am desperate to turn it into something. Yet I have fallen silent for years because I haven't changed my habits. I haven't fixed myself. So I figured, I can't keep banging on about the same shit. So be quiet, shut up, concentrate on getting a job and crack on Nicholas. But I wasn't happy or satisfied.

Yes I am a massive show off. Arrogant, self seeking, attention seeking. Vulnerable, loud, full of issues, insane and slightly ridiculous. Who gives a fuck. We all are to some extent. And my moto for this year> To thine own self be true.

Well, you know what. I am not alone. I am part of the human race who struggle. Fuck me, we've seen some of the biggest names in the world die this year about the very thing I campaign about.

What is my reason for being? To normalise and de-stigmatise dysfunction, addiction, alcoholism and 'issues'. I don't stand for just addiction. I stand for all mental health and things that contribute people to suffer. Abuse, eating disorders, sex problems, addiction, alcoholism, families of alcoholics, illness, relationship problems. I'm for ALL of them.

In my experience, people who are unable to speak out or communicate their suffering make it worse. That's almost as harmful as the problem itself.

So, if I am to stand by anything. If I am to be anything. I am for openness. I am for honesty. I am for authenticity. I am for full disclosure. I will write, blog, video, speak and yell about all of these this year in the search for answers, for recovery, for solutions and for a healthier happier place around them.

Because if I can. Anyone can. And I will not rest until that's the case.

Fuck denial

Fuck suppression

Fuck bullshit

We are all in it together and let's give 2017 a good fucking crack, regardless of where we are at

Love you all very much

The Nicholas Edward Evans

xx

The Return of Me Versus ManFlu

It's Official. I've got Man flu for the 3rd time in 6 weeks. Kill me now.

Experienced ManFluers will know the three main warning signs:

Firstly the tickly chest and cough. As a smoker I put it down to years of Silk Cut, but I knew something was lurking. I soldiered on over Christmas. Stoically eating everything in my path and helping others have a good time, but I knew I was a dead man walking.

Secondly, the sneezing and blocked nose. This began on Boxing Day. Again I can handle this. "It's just a cold." I kept telling myself. Like a boy whistling in the dark. I carried on exercising and doing shit. "I'm not going to let some poxy cold slow me down." became my Mantra. How foolish I was.

You cannot beat The Man Flu. He is cunning and patient and a real bastard. "Just you wait knob-head. I'll get you" He sneers.

And then, it hit me. The Third element of the holy trinity. The knockout blow. The count to ten punch. The true sign of ManFlu. The aching bones and energy zap. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Please don't rob me of energy. Take my nose, take my throat, take anything just not my energy or my bones!!!" That's where the true misery kicks in.

He didn't do this at home. Oh no. He waited until I was out, in the middle of a packed central London before hitting me like a train. BOOM! What a cunt.

I slowed to crawling pace. Patience has never been my strong point, but when you add in huge crowds, people in the way, sub zero temperatures and an aching flu that makes you feel like death warmed up. The happy go lucky persona is replaced by Dr Death.

"Ah aren't the Christmas lights so pretty in Regent Street." is replaced with, "Fuck sake, it's too bright and hurts my eyes. Wankers."

"I wonder if I can get a bargain in the sales" is replaced with, "What a load of shit on sale. I hate shopping.Wankers"

And finally, "I love the West End, it's such a buzz at Christmas." is replaced with, "God The West End is a shithole and I hate everyone here."

It's amazing how in the blink of an eye, the man flu can rob you of all humanity, kindness, spirit and turn you into Hitler within minutes.

The wonder of the world is replaced with a self centred, self piteous whine that only fighting the masses will satisfy. If only you had the energy.

Instead, you have to contend with battling your way home to immediately post on social media that you are ill again and spend the next few days forlornly checking for likes and sympathy attention from friends who have no sympathy at all.

You attempt humour but the veneer of hatred is too much and you give in to re-runs of Harry Potter Movies and old Only Fools and Horses on UK TV Gold. Various updates become hollow and you become sick of yourself, let alone others. Then it really is time to suffer alone, in private. That's when the true horror of man flu begins.

It's the 3rd time in 6 weeks this little fucker is back. I doubt he ever really left. Sticking to me like some kind of Genetically modified super bug. Or a distant relative over-staying their welcome at Christmas.

You all know you hate each other, but there is no getting away from the fact they are a wanker and you're stuck with them for a week or so. Try getting rid of them for a week or two and then seeing them come back. That is truly disheartening.

So, I sit here at 5.41am. I can't sleep. I have no energy to go for a walk or exercise. Smoking hurts my chest. I can't boat tons of diet coke as I need water and I have nothing in me to even contemplate energetic sexual adventure (my get out clause for fun and excitement.) - So thank you Man Flu, you've pretty much robbed me of my entire life.

What else is there?

As a recovering alcoholic I am prone to bouts of melo-drama and over sensitivity. So a third bout of ManFlu is obviously is a disaster. All I see are days of empty vacuous suicidal nothingness ahead. Like Nomania on steroids. It's grim folks. Truly dark.

In addition I like to diagnose myself too. Dr Evans only needs to Google his symptoms before settling on a rare form of Lukemia and blood cancer with chronic fatigue syndrome too. Who needs doctors when you have Google.

Of course, none of this is reality. But why let the facts get in the way of a good self indulgent wallow in misery? It is after-all, the devine right and pleasure of the addict/alcoholic to wallow in it like a messy bog. Especially at 5 in the morning. Fuck me, that's the perfect time. Insomniacs and people with mental illness will concur.

The small hours cling to you like a suffocating cloak. Enveloping you. The minutes tick by at half pace playing with your mind. Everything seems worse. If ManFlu is added to the mix, (where everything is becomes bible black), what you get is a big old pot of shit black stew. And nobody likes to eat that.

So, what's the answer? How can you ride it out?

Well, perspective helps. There's plenty of people homeless this morning waking up (if they are lucky) frozen solid. There are plenty of people displaced in the world. There are plenty of people disadvantaged. Doing Crisis showed me that. I am very fortunate.

There are people in loveless marriages, or alone and unhappy or estranged from loved ones. There are people grieving lost family members or celebrities they didn't know. There are angry knobheads shouting at people for no reason or the just plan stupid. There are people unhappy and struggling

So many worse off than me.

I am lucky.

I had a Christmas.

I received presents

The Man Flu will go. (I hope)

And I will get through this.

Perspective Nicholas. Perspective!

That's obviously the logical public thing to thing and say. But when you are on the wrong end of 3 hours kip, can't breathe, bones are aching like you've been in a car smash (and I have, so I know how it feels) and blinking is hard let alone moving, NONE of that matters.

Fuck Syria
Fuck the homeless
Fuck those less fortunate than me
Fuck everything
Fuck everyone

I don't feel well and I want some fucking sympathy. (but not too much as that will be annoying)

Fuck you ManFlu. You can bugger off now

PS - I've decided to write again in 2017. I like it and so do others apparently.

Nicholas Edward Evans